I haven't been able to pinpoint the sadness I feel at Christmas time. One of the things that puts a damper on all holidays or special events, (ie, Birthdays or anniversaries) comes from my Mom. She always says "It's just another day." My husband says that my parents don't like to give gifts and when they do they expect you to just be thrilled and thankful because they were so gracious. I agree with him. We went to Hawaii with friends 2 Christmas's ago. I would like to be out of town again this year, but DH wants to go to his parents. They are 85 and 90 so he wants to spend time with them while he can. I love them both and get along with them so it isn't a problem being there. Except the BEDS are not good. I sleep on the couch (OUCH) and he sleeps in the twin bed that sags in the middle. Three nights and I have to go home I hurt so much.
Well, I know it shouldn't matter what my mom says or thinks and I shouldn't feel guilty not wanting to spend time with them. I know that I can and am free to do whatever I want to do. I think what I want is for the past to still be here when it was fun and the whole family was together. But, alas my foster brother is gone, my favorite aunt is gone, feels like my mom is half gone. We are trying to set new traditions of our own and haven't come up with anything yet that works every year. Hope springs eternal and I pray that God will show us what to do.
Thanks for listening.

Lionsheart, I send you my sympathies, and wish you strength to help your husband through the holidays. Your name Lionsheart eminates that. Bless you.

Lion,
I'm so sorry for your loss. this is the worst time of the year to deal with that. We lost my SIL Dec. 23, 2 years ago and we all still feel it.

I'm sure you will make the right decision Ruby.

Yesterday I found a gift that I had bought for my Dad, early Christmas gift, that I forgot about when I left to go care for him. You can imagine how my day went after that.
Anyway, I'm glad we are all here for each other!

Oh Carolyn, I'm so sorry about your sister-in-law! That will make the Christmas season difficult to struggle through. I'm continuing to carry you and your husband in my heart-prayers throughout the coming weeks.

Ruby, I'm glad you posted. The only thing I can say out of my own on-going experience is that we get the Christmas we plan for. In other words, whatever our focus is, that's the Christmas we make for ourselves. If we focus on it being "just another day", that's all it will be in the end. If we focus on the extravagance of gifts, it will be a day of gifts - and over when the gifts are all unwrapped. If we focus on being together with family, all of our preparations will be centered around making sure the family we want there will be there. It's tough when others try to steal our joy, but somewhere along the way, if we truly want to have the Christmas WE want, we have to put our foot down and declare it to be so.

I know, I know, I should be practising what I preach. It's hard when there are conflicting family dynamics at play. Somehow we have to stay focused on what's important to US and how we choose to view Christmas. For me, it's a joyful spiritual gift from God, but I'm the ONLY one on hubby's side of the family who is so spiritually inclined, so it makes it difficult to bring that aspect to the forefront. But in my heart, I refuse to give it up, and am making my way to the point where I will - one of these years - declare it to be so, that if my in-laws want to celebrate Christmas in my house, they will celebrate it WITH me, not against my beliefs and spiritual values. It's coming...for the past two Christmases, the most prominent Christmas decoration has been the nativity scene and everything else has focused around it, so the rest of the family know now what's important to me.

So stay your own course, and decide what YOU want Christmas to be, and even if the actual circumstances don't completely jive with that vision, you will still carry in your heart your own core "reason for the season".

TVC15, my Dad died two weeks after Christmas of 1999. He never had a chance to use the Christmas gift (a fancy nut cracker he had asked for) we had bought him - or the birthday gifts we had wrapped for his birthday in February. It was painful to see these things that we had lovingly bought for him, but in the end, we decided to use the nut cracker ourselves in memory of him - to this day, whenever we use it, especially at Christmas when all the family's here, we think of him and thank him for the lovely nut cracker!

Eagle,
My SIL said almost the same thing. She said it will be a nice remembrance of him. It just hurts too much right now to think of it that way.

TVC15, I so understand the pain. Your post reminded me of how long it took for me to be able to even look at a picture of my Dad after he died. We had a beautiful portrait of both Mom and Dad hanging on the wall above the piano. So whenever I would play, I'd look up and see them. But everytime I looked into my Dad's eyes, I would break down and sob uncontrollably. This continued on for weeks and months, until I stopped playing the piano altogether. Finally we had to take the picture down from there and move it to our family photo gallery along the staircase.

It's not as painful now, but even after six years, my eyes still leak whenever I really look at the photo and see those beloved eyes that I miss so much.

Holidays are tricky for me...they're the time when I miss being a part of a traditional family the most. I thought I'd share the tips from this month's Bertha-Zine with you. Some of them may seem a bit glib but there are some useful tips in Bertha's 'splaining!

The trickiest one for me has been to be flexible about when we celebrate because that often leaves me over and done with everything by Christmas Day!

Here goes....


Holidays got you down? Join the club. There seems to be so many places to go and so many things to do...cooking, eating, eating, eating...did I mention eating? Then there's shopping and decorating and visiting with friends and family...all on top of your normal responsibilities. It's like taking on another full-time job!



In fact I mentioned to Bertha...I don't know why I keep doing that...you'd think I'd learn to keep my mouth shut...but I haven't, so I mentioned to Bertha that this year I'd be happy just to survive the holidays! I mean I've got the new radio show and my coaching practice is growing...thankfully...my journal is due out any day...my re-writes on Putting Your Best Foot Forward are over-due...I'm going out of town for 10 days and then I'll have family coming here...I'm getting tired just thinking about it!



My whining was enough to make Bertha take to her soapbox...which she gladly does at the drop of a Santa hat anyway...to dispense her words of holiday wisdom.



She's up there now dressed in red velvet capris with a matching fitted, low-cut jacket trimmed in white faux fur, red jingle-belled stilettos and of course a Santa hat. By all appearances she's ranting and raving although she says she's just 'splaining...'splaining that it's not about surviving, that's for hurricanes and wars and when they run out of size 7s at the 2-for-1 sale at High-Heels R US. Holidays are more about being kind and finding ways to love yourself and your fellow man...



She's on quite a roll so I think I'll just share the highlights with you here...



Bertha's Holiday Loving Tips



Get a festive manicure and pedicure. Bertha's favorite is Deck the Halls...you guessed it...green with red dots! Manicures and pedicures are always the first on Bertha's list but you can choose anything that strikes your fancy...even a Saturday afternoon nap in the midst of all the hurry and flurry counts! The main thing is to take care of yourself during the holidays.


Set an intention to have the best time ever...no matter who gets to be there or what you're doing. Bertha says it's harder to get the whole family together these days than getting the cat to...than getting the cat to...than getting the cat to do much of anything! She recommends learning to be flexible and creative...a Saturday afternoon skating party...get together for a day after party where you play Dirty Santa with the gifts that you'd otherwise be exchanging...have a Partridge in a Pear Tree Party on the first day of Christmas...start a fun new tradition...


Don't go for broke...leave home without it for a change. Bertha says the best gifts really are from the heart and don't involve taking out a second mortgage as many of the commercials lead you to believe. Personally, Bertha thinks having Santa hock the title to the sleigh to buy presents is wrong...and for once, I agree with her! Some ideas include: shopping for or driving an elderly family member or neighbor, baby sitting for new parents or caregivers, visiting shut-ins, invite your favorite child for a day of cookie baking or football tossing, and for that special someone...be creative...ohhhh, la, la naughty can be nice!


Become forgetful. Huh? That's right. Forget about June Cleaver! Think about Jane Carroll instead. What does she really want? Go for the essence of your desires. Fast food served on Christmas china can be a lot of fun and you won't be so stressed from cooking.


Decorate for yourself. If you love it...go for it...if you're like me...a wreath and a poinsettia do just fine...besides who has room for a tree with Bertha's soapbox in the middle of the living room...hmmmmm...maybe I could find time to put up a tree?!


And last but not least...Bertha says to be grateful. It's next to impossible to feel stressed or sad and grateful at the same time. The only problem is...it's hard to jump straight from stressed to grateful...thankfully, Bertha has a solution for that...take a small notepad and jot down as many things as you can that you are grateful for (do it on a day when you feel great!) then tuck it away in your purse...next time you feel sad or lonely...pull it out and have a look...you'll feel better in no time!

Bertha's climbing off the soapbox now but she asked me to remind you that she would love to join your family and friends for the holidays. So order lots of books because everyone is going to want a copy!



Happy Holidays!

Today hubby and I were doing some more Christmas shopping (almost done), and I decided to drop into the VON headquarters office that's located in that mall. (VON is the Victoria Order of Nurses - they provide a wide array of home care services). My brother was confused about whether or not he's still under their care since nobody's visited him since the end of September (and I kept forgetting to phone). Anyway, the co-ordinator of my brother's care network met with me. I don't know what set me off, but I began sobbing uncontrollably right there in the waiting room while she was giving me the phone number of my brother's actual caseworker. I was so embarrassed, but she took me into her office and made the phone call that will hopefully help my brother get some in-home care. Not that I want to relinquish any of what I'm doing for him, but it would be so helpful if someone could go in once or twice a week to cook him a meal.

We're looking into Meals on Wheels as another option, perhaps for the month or so after he finishes chemo (in February) but we think that a real live person would be better for him right now.

The sobbing gave me a clear indication of just how stressed I really am...not so much because of my brother, but all of the other things going on in our lives right now, including "Christmas anxiety", or maybe it would be more accurate to call it "in-law anxiety!".

Sometimes, caring for my brother is actually an oasis of calm for me, but the time-demands of everything else going on (very energy-draining) at the same time seems to be what's overwhelming me.

I've been trying to find a spare hour or two to go and get my hair done - it's a mess. I finally called but because of having to work it around chemo, doctor and other family commitments, I can't get an appt until the 18th.

I don't know where I'm going with this post. Just thinking that it's not easy to just stop and get off the roller coaster. I guess we have to try and find those small pockets of calm amidst the chaos of whatever ride we're stuck on. Stress, in-law anxiety, family commitments, time obligations, expectations, grief, sadness - some of us are bombarded by too much at once and it does threaten to steal our joy and energy. I cried some of it out in that VON's arms today, but I guess I'll have to find better ways to ground myself while this roller coaster continues to throw me around the curves.

Eagle,

Sounds like that cry was way overdue. Sometimes we need that sweet release. I'm also glad that you have more care options for your brother.

Please find a few minutes every day to do something nice for yourself...you deserve it and you need it.

Take care...

On the list of things you have on your mind, I know your hair is down nearer the bottom. But I just wanted to suggest what I do. I have my "first choice" hair salon, which takes appointments and it is hard to get one during their busy season. But then I also go to one of those "walk-in" type salons that don't accept appointments in-between. Here in NJ it's called "Super Cuts", but I know they have other names in different states. There I don't go for a new style, but when I need just a basic trim - they just follow the style I have and neaten things up. At Super Cuts I can call ahead and they'll tell me how many people (and how long it'll take) are ahead of me.

If you get your hair trimmed, it'll help you feel a tiny bit better. We always tend to put ourselves on the bottom of the list. Chin up, Eagle!