Kate you have a long road ahead, however time is shorter 'cause your Mom is 80. This type of anger she feels inside herself ...might actually shorten her life.. I'm serious.

I know the pain...

There was tremendous pressure for all of us (5 girls & 1 boy) to marry someone else who was Chinese. My sister is married to a Caucasian and yes, my parents did disown her for first few years. They never went to her wedding. It was awful..and I was a mediator "delivering" message between sister and parents. It took ....10 years for my parents to fully accept my sister's marriage. The acceptance came with birth of her daughter,, followed by her son. They are also fortunate that their son-in-law is a mild-tempered, naturally friendly guy himself. My sister and her hubby will be celebrating their 25th wedding anniverary this year.

I can attest, that it takes tremendous persistence to stand firm, but show your love as a daughter...somehow in the midst of heart-wrenching family conflict. My mother turned grey haired within 1 yr. Well, her fault, she brought on herself. My father is fluently bilingual English-Chinese so it's easier to break the ice.

Yes, my sister paved the way for me (her elder) and yet for another sister where 3 of us are with Caucasian partners. But a terrible cost initially. A 4th sister is happily married and has 3 children to someone who is Chinese.

May I suggest a self-help book: "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. I found it helpful to keep perspective.

Your father may provide some comfort. Don't create a situation that pits him constantly against your mother. It's abit tiring for him.

Attend family functions with parents around but you might be wise to visit parent(s) alone to engage in ..talk.

It is quite important that your happiness be not infected and that your daughter understand..you still love your own mother...for other things.

Your visits with your boyfriend and parents should for first while be kept low-key. Maybe have a large family dinner where there's lots of people distraction, so your mom doesn't overfocus on "him".