I totally understand the generational thing. I also understand my Mom's reaction back in the 70's when I was a teen. I didn't agree with it then and I don't agree with it now, but I do understand. Some people are just raised that way and pass it on to their children. Didn't work on me though, thank God.
The main reason my parents said they were upset was if we had children although I don't believe that is the only reason. That is what they told me. If our future children were mixed they would not be white or black and who should they then eventually marry. They felt it would be hard on the children. My boyfriend has a daughter and son. His daughter (who is dark) does not date or want to date black men. His son is very white with blue eyes but I'm not sure what his preference is.
My daughter has a beautiful friend (she could be a model) whose Mom is white and Dad is black. She is not interested in dating black boys. I asked her why and she says they are weird. She is a young teen and doesn't know much about dating yet. There are very few black people in our city. For some mixed race people there are problems that come up for them that they may not have if they were either white or black. But it is also that way for people of different religions. Wars of course have been started and continue in the name of religion. What I'm trying to say is I understand how some people don't agree with races mixing but...they need to realize eventually that this attitude is flawed. Religion, race, whatever, we need to all get along and love one another....amen.
As I mentioned before what I can't understand and what hurts me the most is the fact that my mother has never met and refuses now to meet my boyfriend. She is judging him totally on the colour of his skin. She is the one missing out though and I am sad for her.
Kate

Kate,

What a beautiful post. I think parents often take those kinds of stands because they don't want their children to get hurt or to not have a difficult life.

Your mom has had her racist feelings for a long time and may not even really know 'why' she feels the way she does. Even though we don't agree with her view, we know it's hard to change those old beliefs.

Could you try talking with her from that standpoint? "Mom, I know you love me and want what's best for me and that our beliefs are different. What I'd really like is for us to be able to at least be open about this..."

Diane is right. You can't make her change and confronting her will probably only alienate you.

I wish you well.

Although she hasn't even mentioned anything to me, she did tell my Dad that she doesn't understand how I can lower myself.
She also said she will never, never meet him and wants nothing to do with him. She will not talk about it with me. She gets her messages through loud and clear through my Dad and my daughter. I don't want to judge her and/or be like her. I'm really struggling with feelings of anger which I'm trying to turn around. I don't want to judge my Mom but it's hard not to. I know my Mom. She will not talk about it. There is no point going there. She is right and no one will change her mind. I have lived with her negative judgemental attitude all my life. So, at this point I am not going to discuss it with her. Even my Dad said not to say anything as she will explode. She was so mad the other day when she confronted my daughter about who I was dating that she actually got in a car accident on the way home. She did not tell me. I heard through my Dad. She hit someone, probably while she was in a rage and now has higher insurance because of it. I call that Karma.
I am praying for her and praying that I stop feeling anger towards her. I'm working on acceptence and trying to take the higher road. It's really tough timing as I am going through another struggle with my addicted son. I'm trying to keep everything in perspective and stay positive.
Kate

Some more advice would be appreciated. I just got back from a six day vacation with my boyfriend in his city. For my 50th birthday he bought me airplane tickets and took me to a resort for the week. We also celebrated Christmas early together. I told my Mom that I was going away on business to avoid having to deal with her mad looks and disapproving comments. I had a wonderful time and each time we are together we get closer and closer. I was trying to keep my guard up (due to my painful divorce and ten years alone) I was being careful. There is no going back now, not for either of us. We talked in detail and both want a future together. This part is great, the tough part is how I deal with my Mom. I am not happy with myself for lying to her about my trip. I was so overwhelmed with stress over work related issues etc. that I just didn't want to deal with her. I know she knows that I went to see him. My Dad told me she doesn't believe me. I talked to her yesterday and she did not ask me about my trip. She sounded distant and I know she is hurt that I lied to her. I just can't do it anymore and want to tell her the truth. I am a much better writer than talker in a confrontational situation and can articulate better in writing. I know that it's possible if I talk to her in person that I will get angry and protective of my boyfriend. I want to be respectful to my mother and feel that if I send her an email explaining that she has a right to her opinion but that I have a boyfriend and that we are serious. If she doesn't want anything to do with him, and even if she doesn't want to talk to him, that is fine with me. I don't want to put him through that anyway. My Mom is 80 and of course I love her but I feel that I should be upfront. Do you ladies feel that a respectful, thoughtful email to my Mom would be appropriate, or do you think I should talk to her in person? Her way is to say "I don't want to talk about it" so there is a chance that this will happen.
Your thoughts and comments will be greatly appreciated.
Kate

I think a respectful, HAND WRITTEN note to your mom would be best. Since she's 80, I think she'll appreciate more the time and effort you took into sharing your thoughts with her.

You need to be honest. Especially if you feel she already knows what's up. Tell her that times have changed and this type of relationship is more common than she might imagine. Tell her that this man treats you better than any white man you have ever been with, and that's more important than his race or color of his skin.

Tell her how happy he makes you, and doesn't she want you to be happy and loved?

Give her a big hug, tell her how happy you are that she cares enough to be worried about you, but that you're a big girl now and this man makes you very happy.

My 2 cents....
Kathy

I think a letter is better too. I jsut want to address a couple of your comments.

You said - I know that it's possible if I talk to her in person that I will get angry and protective of my boyfriend.

You should be protective of him. You have every right to do that.

You said - If she doesn't want anything to do with him, and even if she doesn't want to talk to him, that is fine with me. I don't want to put him through that anyway.

I wouldn't mention this to her. I would only state what you want her to know. I would not address how she may respond.

I'm sure you'll handle this well. I can tell you are sensitive to ALL feelings. Think about us sending prayers and well wishes your way!

Write her, NOT email though, and speak to her as you would to someone who means the world to you as I'm sure she does. Say nothing negative, tell her how important she is to you and that you love this man, use his name, and say that you want him to meet the woman you admire (her) and you so want her to meet the man who makes you happy etc. Don't give her any excuses what-so-ever. Then sit back and wait, the ball will be in her court. If a week goes by with no answer you may want to call her and just ask if she would like to take the next step. Maybe lunch with all of you. Remember though its hard for someone 80 years old to just change horses in mid stream and break old habits. Give her time to adjust but not at the expense of your new love. Keeping my fingers crossed. Oh and be upfront with him about whats going on, he should know and hopefully understand.

Ok, thanks, a hand written letter, well I type 90 words a minute but write like a doctor. No one can read my writing it's become so poor from lack of writing. But, that is a good idea. We are approaching Christmas very soon and I have my parents over for dinner on the 24th (our Christmas) so I thought an email might be better as we send each other emails on a regular basis. I understand that she is 80 and it will be tough for her to change. I also know that she dislikes and judges most people, hasn't talked to her own brother in years and has basically written him off as he doesn't live up to her standards. I really don't think that she will accept this relationship. In fact I'd bet money on it, sad but true. She won't want to talk about it, I just want to address the lying on my part. I need to stop acting like I am still a teenager. These are different circumstances now even though they bring up memories from years ago when I was dating him. Getting together with this man from my past brought up anger issues for me with my mother so I have not wanted to discuss it for fear I would say the wrong thing. After taking the time to go through what I needed to, I feel that I will handle it better now especially in a letter. I respect my Mom's right to her own opinions, even though her opinion of my boyfriend is based strictly on his colour as she has never met him. I guess I could type her a letter so she can at least read it but with the mail this week (Christmas rush) she may not get it quickly. Is it better to discuss it before or after Christmas? I will have to give this some thought as it's a touchy situation.
thanks for your comments,
Kate

Kate, would your boyfriend be willing to give your Mom a call? Of course it depends how well he can cope with the situation. But if he should have a pleasant phone manner, then it might develop into more. It may be worth a try.
Hannelore

Oh boy I would bet money against that one, especially when she finds out who shes speaking to. She sounds like a die hard bigot. Its her way, or the highway and thats so sad...Since rereading your last reply it sounds more like you already know what her reaction will be but you just aren't comfortable lying to her, so don't! You're a grown woman, not a teenager as you said. Sometimes we know what we hate to admit. Just stop lying and hope maybe a miracle will occur and she'll come around. If not, enjoy both worlds even if they must remain separate, and RELAX!!!