I'm not sure she wants to change. We used to be really close but I don't talk to her that often anymore. I read about Borderline Personality Disorder and some of the things described fit her but not all of them.

I'm trying to remember when it started and I'm not sure. More than ten years ago. She was molested as a child but I don't know if that is the cause or not. She won't talk about it.

She's going to church again so I hope that helps. Reads her Bible. I think she believes the world owes her something or at least, her family. I don't help her anymore financially. That ship has sunk!

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm...
Maybe this saying works the other way around as well.
Anger is merely depression with enthusiasm.

Dianne, I think you are at a crossroad yourself. You've chosen; "That ship has sunk"… good for you.
Believe me, I know it's easier said then done.

We have had our share of worries with my youngest son. One thing I noticed with him was when he needed us, especially to get him out of financial binds; he was terribly bitter and angry towards us. Now I understand. Our son tried to preserve his self-esteem and show his independence of us. He's back on his own and financially independent, and our relationship has never been better. So I gather his dependence was his reason to be angry. ( At the time I wasn't so understanding)

I have no idea about Borderline Personally Disorders. I'm just suggesting that your daughter's struggle with self-esteem could be a reason.

Hi, Dianne: I second what has been mentioned by previous posts, that anger is a defense mechanism. It is, however, very subjective to the individual who experiences it. Until your daughter opens up to discuss the triggers to her anger, the only way to deal with her right now would be with patience and love. Not an easy thing to do but, given time, it does turn things around for the better. If your daughter has gone back to Church, then it could be the path upon which she could find the breathing space out of whatever troubles her right now. A good sign and a good choice of sanctuary to be in. In spirit, I wait with hope and pray with you for your daughter. In the meantime, here is a link which greatly helped my sister which I hope offers a view of the situation from your daughter's perspective: www.apa.org/topics/controlanger.html

My sister had to cope with a very angry son for a few years. Like your daughter, my nephew would not talk about what angered him. He was not violent nor destructive but his cynicism was a harder pill to take against my sister and her family's efforts to understand him. As it turned out, my nephew did not like being an army brat. Although he was born into that kind of life, he could not cope with the constant move and the threat to his Dad when called to serve active duty in hotspots. As an army brat, self-imposed discipline bottled up emotions that needed to be discussed with his Mom and Dad. He has calmed down now and it has only been fairly recent that my nephew speaks of the angry years. Ironically, like his father, he is with the armed forces. Now he understands.

I've been pondering this for awhile, because I've been a very angry, bitter person in the past. And while I do agree that it can become a habit to be angry, I think that the roots of anger often lie in a pain (whether real or perceived) so intolerable that one builds this mask of anger in order to cope with the pain and in order to keep moving.

Unfortunately, as a child, I was not allowed to - and therefore didn't learn how to - outwardly express my anger (my anger was firmly rooted in an intolerable sense of constant rejection stemming from very early childhood)...eventually it expressed itself through severe depression and a suicide attempt. Once I learned how to express that anger, it no longer became my enemy but a vital part of who I am, a part I needed to learn how to manage and discipline. It was a long, hard road, learning how to manage, discipline and control my anger and bitterness, but being here helped me to turn myself around and change my focus. I had to stop focusing on all the past hurts and disappointments and focus on all that I have here and now. Forgiveness was a huge part of my progress, not only forgiving the people who caused the pain, but forgiving myself for all sorts of imagined indescretions that scarred my self esteem for my entire life.

Anger is very hard to deal with, and I personally think that there comes a point in time when you may have to walk away from an angry person before you yourself get sucked into their mangled thinking. At the same time, for me, it was an epiphany of love that broke through my walls and helped me to see that there were other options besides staying angry for the rest of my life. Maybe the best thing you/we can do is just pray for your daughter, that God will bring into her life the right people and right resources that will help her change direction and focus. And I'll keep you in prayer too, Dianne, that you just don't get sucked into feeling guilty or bear the brunt of your daughter's behaviour - love her, but don't feel guilty when you have to distance yourself from her anger in order to preserve your own equilibrium and positive focus.

Dianne ,
I do hope that things will get better with your daughter and I agree with the girls on here . I try ot have happy thoughts and that helps .

Renee

Dianne, yes, being molested has everything to do with her anger. And it also depends on who molested her how deep the betrayal went. If she won't talk about it, she can't change. I understand not wanting to help her financially anymore ( I recall you were at a cross roads with her on this several months ago.) I believe that love and patience is all you can offer her now. I had a really stressful job early in my marriage to my current husband. I would come home from work, slam the door, peel off my clothes, plop in my chair, and suck down goblets of wine. He would ask me how my day was and I would go on a tirade about all the evils and ills of my job. After witnessing me behave this way for 2 years, he asked, "Why are you so hostile all the time?" I took his question seriously. Why WAS I so hostile all the time? I could not be happy for more than a nano-second, even when I tried. I was about 34. Anyway, his question led me to another round of counseling. I was not yet ready to talk about being molested as a child, but that round of counseling helped me to get in touch with my anger at a crappy childhood in general. I also had PMDD, and a visit to the endocrinologist helped me to manage the moods of wrath brought on my hormones. (We used meds which helped A LOT!) As Vicki said, cognitive behavior therapy helped. Your daughter may have angst about her own ability to parent. At 34, I knew I did not have the coping skills to parent. In fact, I say that by the time I was emotionally mature enough (to parent) it was biologically too late. Also, depending on who molested her, she may have pent up feelings that are in contradiction to what she says. I mean, she may say she forgives the abuser yet her actions of anger tell otherwise. She needs long term therapy. And, like Eagle says, an epiphany of love. My husband asking me "Why are you so hostile all the time?" was LOVE. He loved me enough to know that the anger was masking the authentic self. He loved me enough to go to counseling with me when I asked. He loved me enough to pay for therapy. He loved me through that round of counseling, and the next, when I was 43 and ready to disclose CSA. CSA is a deal breaker for a child, a life thief, a soul shattering experience. That's why she's angry all the time. Also, trauma like CSA re-patterns the brain. One of my remaining problems is a diminished capacity to experience joy. The studies show that molestation directly corresponds to brain cells that rule emotions. Your daughter's wires got tangled (mangled) during trauma, and they need to be undone! I wish I could take her hostile hand and lead her to a therapist and a more loving life.

Lynnie, could you elaborate more on CSA? Being molested as a child is horrible, it happened to me and I've carried a lot of anger. The thing that angers me the most is that my parents DID NOT protect us girls from the molesters, who are two uncles and a babysitter. Thus, people we thought to be trusted, yet we said nothing until adults and were never believed. Thus, I wonder if not believed, how could one trust authority figures? For instance, doctors, police, clergy, or our family? At least, this has been my experience. I never wanted children b/c of the abuse and also having been married to an abuser. Therefore, the abuse was never acknowledged, except by myself. Maybe that's why I've been so angry, wanting the abuser and those who were to protect us accept the blame, rather than the victim? Dianne, I wonder if this might be the case with your daughter, too? I apologize in advance if I'm wrong.

Anne, I can't speak for Dianne, so let's take a hypothetical situation. Let's take a 34 year old woman and work backwards in years. At the age of 24, she may have remembered the abuse, and even spoke about it. However, if the abuse was not talked about in long term therapy, then speaking about it to a parent or friend is a band aid, and not a cure. (there is no cure, but the abused can manage symptoms such as anger.) From 24 to 34, the barely acknowledged and insufficiently dealt with abuse festers psychologically and spiritually and even physically (via eating disorders, alcohol & drug abuse, suicide attempts.) Then, the anger becomes the issue, and not the abuse, because the abuse itself has been stifled, stuffed, & snuffed. I try to go to churches to do presentations on CSA. Most churches are not equipped to deal with this topic. Any good minister will refer the victim to therapy with a counselor who is specifically trained for CSA. Mustang, I will surely elaborate on CSA. I am so sorry to hear that you were molested. Being a victim colors everything in your life. Unfortunately, this is a victim-blaming society. Accountablity and responsibility should be on the abuser, and the covert accomplises, which includes people who did nothing to stop it. Many people will say they did not know. Maybe they didn't know, but how can children tell if 1) they do not have the vocabulary for telling 2) they have been threatened not to tell 3) they think they won't be believed. In all 3 of the above, the burden is on the victim! The abuser gets away with it. You are one step ahead in that you have acknowledged the devastation of abuse, whether or not the abuser takes responsiblity. I'd like to validate that anger is your right, although I am so sorry that you had to endure the molestation that caused anger. Oh, when I was 14, I declared that I would never have children. I did not know it then, but my subconscious was saying that I did not want to bring another child into a world where fathers and brothers (and uncles and babysitters) sexually abuse their children. Mustang, what else would you like me to elaborate on?

This is a good topic for me at this time as my whole biological family seems to be angry all the time and they ALL profess to be CHRISTIANS in the biblical sense.
Let me tell you ladies, I am so angry at the moment and not really sure where to put it, so to speak.
My oldest sister is here in Missouri with my husbands sister (we all grew up together and I am the youngest) Well, my sister is the one that just had a tumor removed from her brain the end of September, I have been on the phone with her for hours at a time comforting her through a prescribed medication recovery.
She got addicted to prescribed drugs and was a Pysch tech nurse for over 15 years. Well she and my sister in law drove out here from California to stay with MY MOTHER IN LAW that lives NEXT DOOR to me and she has called my mom (lives across the street from me) to let her know that she was coming for a week and was not coming to see any of her family members.. LOL
ME, my sons, my mom and my other sister live here in Missouri and she has not came to see me yet and told my daughter in law that I owe her an APOLOGY!. (for what?) being supportive? .. lol
I am so mad as my mom is VERY hurt and I am used to this type of behavior from ALL of my family, but I AM SO ANGRY THAT SHE IS HURTING MY MOM this way. For NO reason. my mom has done nothing to her and they sit next door and start trouble and tell lies. It is so evil to do this to your family. She didn't even have to call anyone if she didn't want to see us. She made a point of letting us all know that she would be staying next door and would not be seeing any of us. She went to my moms today, which I was hoping to apologize to her and NOPE she tried to start problems.
I did ask my mom to let me know if she gets nasty with her as I will not tolerate her acting like that to my mom.
My mom is going to be 78 years old and needs some respect.
My sister is 53 years old for goodness sake!
I have tried to read scripture to get me out of this but do not understand this evil behavior.
You talk about angry? They never communicate to each other about what they are mad at each other for and blame each other for things that happened in the past.

I don't know what I am supposed to do.
I have been really sick for two weeks now and just dont get it.

I am so glad that me and my sons are not that way.
Oh and by the way.
My Grandson is coming to see me the 10th thru the 16th for Thanksgiving as my son can't get leave this year for the real one. It should be fun! I can't wait to sqeexe that little boy! he is 5 months old! and cute as all get out.

Nancy

Lynnie, thank you! For myself, my anger has clouded decisions. For instance, not knowing who to trust, and often times choosing the wrong situation or person, and mostly not trusting myself or instinct. Also, I thought moving or changing my climate would help, yet it only follows. Yes, this is a victim-blaming society where the victim suffers b/c the individual(s) at fault will not acknowledge their blame. Thank you for explaining, I hope this helps Dianne's daughter, too.