Oh, I almost forgot. I own my anger, accept it, and am actively working on constructive measures to direct the anger. I can no longer allow it to affect my decisions, health, work, nor my joy and those I love.

Mustang, the issue of trust and instincts is HUGE for CSA survivors. We thought we should trust our family, yet they betrayed us in the worst way. We were born with instinct and insight, yet it gets clouded for the above reason re: betrayal. So our instincts become confused or clouded. Books such as The Artist's Way, Simple Abundance, etc. help us to learn about trusting our instincts. I have a recommended reading list on my web site. Reading for self help is "bibliotherapy" which comes in handy when we can't afford or simply don't want psychotherapy. I can't tell you the number of times I did not trust my own instincts and got into real trouble.

Mustang, not that I want to use the forum for sales or solicitation, but may I recommend my book to you? I would do this privately but I see your email is not in your profile. Or, you can cruise through the Featured Author section here and look for April 2005. I think you'd be surprised and comforted to know that what you experience, you are not alone.

Bathbuddy, some families are so mentally skewed that it is hard to make sense of a situtaiton that makes no sense!

I agree that many people get stuck in the anger mode, but what if it's a chemical imbalance? What is their rage is caused by something that happened in childhood and they are blocking it? How would you convince someone to have it checked out?

I for one have difficulty with anger and angry people. It makes me feel physically ill and lasts for days. SOOO years ago I decided never to allow it to happen again. I am not saying I haven't had good reason to be thoroughly pi--ed off because thats not true, but I chose to just walk away. Now when and if someone gives me reason to feel true anger, I drop them. I look at their tantrum for what it is, usually stupid and self serving, so I ignore it, except that the person is forever more dead to me...I merely move on to happier, kinder people and feel just fine...Works for me! I have to clarify something. It takes a WHOLE LOT to get me even a little disturbed, let alone angry enough at anyone to have to walk away. I pick my friends carefully and hate to find out I was wrong.

I'm not ignoring this thread. Just returned from NYC.

Mustang, you should read Lynnie's book. It will help you a lot and is very good.

It's difficult to walk away from your daughter because you don't want to watch her continue to lead her life angry. You want the best for your children. Her molester was a family member and she doesn't want to hate him. She still has a relationship with him and his family. She wants to forgive and forget. But, the pain is still there for her and she has blocked a lot of it out. I confronted the abuser and it was a very ugly confrontation at that. She doesn't believe in dragging the past behind. But, it is still being drug behind her whether she believes it or not. She was a happy go lucky little girl. I believe the abuse began when she was six or seven. I have great difficulty even thinking about it because it makes me sick to my stomach.

I spoke with her therapist after a suicide attempt. She said she didn't want to die but just didn't want to wake up. She was having anxiety attacks at that time too. Her counselor said that my daughter refused to delve into the abuse. She did help her with her poor body image tho.

Sometimes, I just want to scream and cry at the same time.

Oh Dianne, I can feel for you wanting to scream and cry at the same time. You're right in saying that even though she SAYS she wants to forgive and forget, what was done to her is still preying on her psyche. Some experts call child sexual abuse '"SOUL MURDER." Intellectually and psychologically she is saying forgive and forget. But she needs to be healed on a soul level or the anger will continue. She did the hardest part: she disclosed. However, she does not want to delve into it in sessions. Maybe she will get sick and tired of being angry and sad. The anger is hurting her, as if the abuse is still hurting her. She's abusing herself and others with anger. I didn't tell until I was 43 although I'd been in counseling many times. Sexual abuse colors everything black. I hope she will someday see the love and light.

Lynnie, how angry were you and how did you act out? Did you pretend to be happy or did you outwardly show it?

She called me yesterday and she has a roommate who is a close friend of mine. He's one of the nicest men I've ever known. I said something about him being such a good guy and she told me he was no nicer than the rest of us. I don't get it. It's wrong to talk about others being nice? She can find the bad in anyone, not the good, only the bad. She's throwing away a great life by feeling this way.

I lived in fear for about five years worrying about her trying to kill herself. I broke down during a session with my therapist about this. It think this is why I tried so hard to keep the peace with her. He convinced me that suicide would be her choice and if she chose it, it's because it's what she wanted. I had no control over it.

My uncle committed suicide years ago and the family still hasn't gotten over it. It altered all of our lives.

How do you decide that life is no longer worth living? How do you decide that death would be better? I'm at a loss here and talking with all of you is really helping me and I deeply appreciate your thoughts.

If you know anyone thinking of suicide take them to the neasrest hospital childrens ward and let them take a good long look, I am dead serious here. Let them seee the ones dying without a CHOICE. Tell them to step into the adult cancer ward and ask each and every terminal patient what they would give for one more month, one day or even one more hour of precious life? Not all, but most of these suicidal people need a reality check. I'm truly sorry but they piss me off feeling sorry for themselves. I think we have all felt or feel true despair in our lives but our belief in God was stronger than our doubt in ourselves. I pray these suicidal people get a grip and realize that when things seem to have hit rock bottom, theres only one way left to go and thats...UP!!!