I have heard of a few people who are separated, but stay together for the medical and financial benefits. Anyone else heard of this?

Yes and here where the elderly retire you see it all the time. Its cheaper for them to live together rather than live married.... Now if married and they divorced then the wife couldn't be covered on the ex husbands medical insurance. You can receive alot of difference benefits from help organizations if you're income is less, than that of most single retiree's. Rent compensation, food stamps, utility subsities etc. So there is alot to be said in staying single and living together....Some areas you say separated but live the single life and go their own way except that they share expenses which helps them both financially and the wife can still benefit from his health insurance. I find it sad somehow that the elderly are forced to make these compensations just to survive in some cases.

Chatty, I agree that it's sad for people to live this way. Everything is so expensive these days that people are forced to make these kinds of arrangements. The people I'm thinking of aren't even the elderly.

It must be hard to move on with a new life when you are to some degree still together.

At what point do you make the break? When you find another to share expenses?

Seems like our generation of women is one of the first to be able to live without financial support from a male. That's a lot of responsibility and seems like we are dealing with it without a lot of preparation. Our mothers had never experienced it and couldn't prepare us.

I have so many women friends who stay in brain dead marriages with no love at all because they fear losing financial support. One of my best friends is married to a very wealthy man who has been unfaithful for years. I think she stays for practical reasons. Socially and financially she is better off, but I think the real reason she stays is that she is afraid to be alone, yet she is more alone than anyone I know.

Maybe fear of being alone is another topic for Toni's book.
Onward
smile

In all to many instances a loving husband and wife drift apart yet stay together for many reasons, one is for the children, second is for appearances for family and friends, and yes the third is for financial reasons. Most men would rather stay in a failed marriage because of a certain comfort zone he has established, his meals are prepared, clothes laundered, kids well cared for, and most of the time his time is his own as the wife doesn't want to be bothered with him either. She stays for the support, I mean the money. He becomes nothing more than a paycheck....sad but true. I know because I am in a similar position myself.

My husband and I each make equal amounts of not much money, so neither of us really qualifies as a paycheck for the other. If we split, we'd each have to pay for housing which is EXPENSIVE in SoCali. Cooking and cleaning are done together or they're not done at all, so no one here is getting maid service either.

Chatty, you have the divorce papers and I don't, but other than that I'm not sure our situations are that dissimilar. I've always believed in substance over nomenclature, so I'm probably as divorced as you are in the non-legal everyday sense.

News Flash!!! My biggest problem is that after the divorce was final he had no job and no where to go, he has no living relatives at all. I agreed he could remain here but he was not to bring his bad attitude and negativity into my home. It is my home too which I had before he and I married. He had nothing when he showed up here but a duffle bag full of clothes. We were married five loooonnnggg years. We've been divorced for nearly four years. Acually having two incomes is fine but he keeps losing his job. Every time he is suppose to move out, bang, job loss. This is a man thats afraid to live alone, he hates it. I should be totally honest here. This man is kind, generous and will do absolutely anything I ask of him (I have to ask however.) He doesn't see when things need doing. I know of none of my friends husbands that support their writing like he does mine. He reads everything I write and loves it. He's a good sounding board because he is a literary college major and he reads all the time. He is a Political Historian and extremely bright yet he has NO common sense. Its amazing to me. He cooks breakfasts for us and dinner at times, does the dishes, he runs out to the store to get me things no matter what the time is in fact he does most of the shopping and is better at it than I am, and washes the floors and takes the rugs to the laundrymat. If I never dust he doesn't care. I suppose all of this constitutes love of some sort. Oh, and he likes all my animals. He adores Rosee and Reeta and trys to make friends with the ones I foster. He has always been a gracious host to anyone in our home and people like him. I suppose my worst complaint is that hes a slob, clothes on the floor, untidy about himself unless I complain. Theres alot of good here, alot that most women want in a man. He does try most of the time. This one problem doesn't matter to me now but it did and has left an emptyness in me towards him. We have never, yes NEVER consumated our marriage. This is so personal but hey what the heck we're sisters right...We met over the phone and after about 8 months decided to meet. I told him I didn't need money I was marrying for passion. I missed that part of a relationship. I had been divorced 14 years and celibut at my own choice. So my needs were not a surprise, he pretended to want the same things. Once he arrived we spent time together NO sex. He insisted I was a lady and he treated me like one. We already really liked one another, he was funny and we laughed alot. We got married in only 2 days. On the wedding night he just wanted to talk and talk and talk. We did finally get around to it and nothing. He couldn't. Said it was nerves. I said no problem, things will calm down. They did but he still never did. I was sure it must be me and my self esteem went directly into the toilet, did not pass goal, did not collect $200.00. Finally when I got mad and asked what the hell was going on, he threw a fit, screamed that all of us women were the same, want, want, want. Its funny too because he wants to introduce me to everyone and doesn't go anywhere without me. Always says he loves me and is affectionate. So this is my situation. We live in the same home as a couple. My friends and family know we're divorced but he refuses to tell his friends or anyone. What he earns put together with mine makes for a nice pleasant living so whats a person to do? We do fight but I have to say I usually start it over something dumb hes done. I hate dumbness. I find myself wondering if he ever loved me or just wanted a soft place to land....any ideas ladies?

chatty, what do I know? Just thinking here.

You mention lots of great qualities. Qualities that many married women wish they had. I guess it depends on what you want in life. If you are somewhat content and the situation works for you, stick with it. Would it be a hardship for you if he left, or would you be ecstatic?

Do you find yourself feeling frustrated and angry because of him? If so, it could harm your health. You mentioned he had a bad attitude and was negative. Does that rub off on you?

You also mentioned laughter. Do you still laugh together?

Is he keeping you from meeting other men if you choose?

Just some thoughts. You sure don't come across as an angry person so perhaps having the security of someone living with you is a good thing.

Plus, if you keep cooking and serving him all your delicious fruits, veggies, and gourmet recipes...he's never going to leave!

Thanks for sharing. I hope you get soem feedback form others that will be helpful.

This is a difficult one, but I'll try. Are you positive he's heterosexual? If so, is there an underlying physical problem he's not telling you about?

Need to think about the rest...

Thanks for trying Meredithead and to answer, I don't know. How can anyone tell. Look at Rock Hudson, so manly and handsome etc. and he was asd queer as a 3 dollar bill. I'd say he is heterosexual if I were to venture a guess. I do believe there is either a medical problem or a deep mseeded mental one. Since I no longer believe its me, I have accepted it and life goes on. Now if I were independently wealthy would he still be here, NO and thats the truth. I'd rather live alone, I enjoy my own company, no one to argue with. LOL