There have been women in my life who have been ready to throw in the towel on their marriage, but didn't.

Now that a couple years have passed they're glad they stuck it out.

Who believes we go through funks as adults and come out a better person?

And how do women know if it's just a funk their spouse is growing through?

I say communication is the answer, but not all men communicate. Heck, not all women communicate.

Thoughts?

see the post under "valentine's Day" it purtains to just this subject.

Speaking from experience, my husband has been verbally and emotionally abusive to the point where I really wouldn't care if he dropped dead tomorrow. He has ruined our marriage, like throwing large rocks at pottery, and the pots are broken beyond repair. He thinks that by being nice now and then he can resurrect the shards.

I believe that in the eyes of God we are no longer married, despite a piece of paper that says otherwise.

Back 2-4 years ago when the problems were at their nadir, when my husband was starting 50 fights a day over absolutely nothing, when we were screaming 24/7, I said that the biggest problem with our marriage was that only one of us thought there was a problem.

I gave up trying to fix things about 3 years ago. I got tired of constantly screaming and fighting, of nothing ever getting better. I learned to walk out when he started fighting, very hard to do because by nature I'm a fighter, because that was the only way to stop it. I told him, "You want to fight? Carry on without me" and left anywhere from two hours up to a week. Since then, I've told my husband at least 20 times that I'd be happy to get divorced. I tell him that I don't love him and don't want him. We both work at home and I barely even talk to him.

Most of the time I live as if he didn't exist. I have a great circle of friends and my own activities. He lives his own life too. I don't understand what's in this marriage for him because I don't give him any hope at all, but he says he loves me. When he asks if I love him, I say "Not really."

The pottery shards are our marriage, not me. I never felt like a victim because I always fought back with a vengeance. However, I had to learn to walk away from the fights because they were a lose/lose situation. He did not damage my self-esteem, but he forever damaged my opinion of him.

At least I've gotten some great poetry out of this toxic relationship. Not that he'll ever read it.

Meredith, I'm sure the cold conflict of your marriage hurts you, but at the same time, I see so much warmth and happiness within you. I think inside is where happiness always resides anyway. It is our life long task to find it and free it to live in our lives. Circumstance can create temporary pleasure, but happiness comes from within. You seem to be finding it every day.

I have no solutions for your marriage. Maybe there are none. I've 'stuck marriages out' (for a while) and I've left marriages and either way difficult. All we can do is pray that you find the happiness that is there and allow it to surround you and make you strong.

smile

Thanks everyone for your love and support. I feel strong, and most of the time I'm happy with life (barring occasional minor depression) because I know I walk the path I'm meant to be on.

Meredith, your strength is obvious. By defeating cancer, you have conquered a terrible foe. Only love could empower you for such a horrific battle. It must be very strong in your spirit.

Now you have another battle and the love inside you can again empower you. If you look through the eyes of love at your husband's anger, maybe you can see the pain that fuels his fury. Maybe the pain is from an unconscious fear of losing you either to illness or to your creative ability or maybe it is from some ancient wound inflicted during a defenseless childhood or maybe it is physical pain that ignites his anger. There is so much pain in life and if it is turned to anger, it inflicts others and becomes stronger for its battle with peace.

Not to condone his anger, but to avoid the injuries to your spirit, maybe you can find a way to help him heal the wounds and ease the pain. I'm sure you have already tried to approach him with love and he probably struck out. Like an injured animal the instinct of pain is to strike out, even against those who try to help, but like that injured animal, he cannot heal himself and somehow the fortress of fear that surrounds his must be torn down. Maybe you can find a way to charge the walls or inspire him to allow you in.

If only all the world's wounds could be healed and all the pain eased, all the anger in the world could be calmed and peace could prevail.

Not sure what all that means. Just some thoughts.

smile

I loved him and tried for years, and nothing was ever enough, or good enough. Emotionally he's a black hole and I had to pull out of that hole or get destroyed with him.

His father left when he was 5. He's still that abandoned little boy who will never be loved enough. Well, he's 53 and it's high time he grew up. Lots of people survive a lot worse. I asked him to go to anger management classes and he refused.

My grandmother had a saying, "God helps those who help themselves." My husband will get his life in order if --and only if-- he decides to. I can't waste any more time enabling his life-long pity party, or waiting for him to grow up. I tried love, and that didn't work.

Meredith,
Despite what all the philosophers and poets and songwriters (Including me) say, I really believe that people can exhaust their supply of love and that there comes a time when we must simply love ourselves first. Your husband probably loves you deeply, but won't show you the affection you need.

You seem to be finding it with or without him and I applaud you for that. And of course if he mistreats you more, you can always call Bubba.

smile