I was "lucky" that an affair was not involved in the ending of my marriage. However, I strongly agree that it is the lack of trust that will cause the biggest struggle.

Once you lose trust in the person you planned to share the rest of your life with, it is sooo very hard to continue in that relationship.

I lost my trust in my ex because of his actions and just could not get past it. Through counseling and a lot of work on my part, I tried to get past the feelings that came from having someone I loved do and say things to me that caused an incredible amount of hurt. How do you get past that and trust that it won't happen again.

I'm sure there are those who can and do... but I wasn't able to and we divorced despite how against divorce I was. I knew, despite what I had been taught, that God would not want me to stay in a marriage that was hurting me.

Dotie,
I am proof that if you do things the right way good things happen. I had to believe in myself and be patient and raise the bar and well, everyday I look at my prince and know that it's all because I refused to settle. Good men are out there. We have to be willing to do what it takes to find one and now that I've found him I show him how much I love and appreciate him eveyday. He knows he's loved and cherished and respected and in return I'm shown the same. He's a good, good man and I am so blessed.

How long is it to be in the survived an affair category? And are you surviving an affair, or working through the stuff that caused the dalliance in the first place? And how much comes down to character, what if being dishonest is not in your(his) character and you knew that being dishonest was truly killing him?? IF you trust his character, believe it was a one off, can you still work through the pain and rebuild, not as if the affair did not happen, but as if the affair was a pointer to get your combined acts together and move forward together?? Is resorting to an affair the way he chooses to get out, or is it the way he chooses to make a point??? Lots of questions I am still working through after 18 months.....Listening to all these opinions is great for different perspectives.

Dear Debshines,

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Sorry to hear you're still struggling. I wish you the best...Everyone has their own way of dealing with this. As for the "one off" it didn't matter to me. If he did it once, he could do it again...trust, for me, is breakable, and unmendable in a situation like this. I would never, ever be able to get out of my mind my husband lying there with another woman doing things with her that he'd made vows to only be and do with me. I believe there are ways to make a point without having an affair. But, that's just me. I am praying for you sweetheart.

DebShines,

Your name describes you well, you do shine. It sounds like you are well on your way to rebuilding your relationship with yourself and your husband. My only words of wisdom would be to continue to focus on the positive aspects of yourself and him and allow those to grow.

For better or worse....

I believe God is the One who shall tell us when/if it's time to go.

We are to shine for Jesus, forgive the unforgiveable, love the unlovely.

Yes, I understand the not being able to get over the "imagining him with someone else".

My friend is hanging in there. She's seeking counseling (he will not go as he sees nothing wrong.) How can someone truly love someone and stray? But it's not about what I think...it's about what God wants us to know AND about what we hear Him to tell us.

Until then, I'll continue to pray for direction for my friend AND salvation/open eyes for her spouse.

Thank you ALL for the continued thoughts and conversations.

Di, I wish your friend well, yet from experience I know that if the husband does not attend counseling, there is little hope.

Di, I'm concerned for your friend. Please stand by her. If he won't go to counseling because he can't see what's wrong, then she has her work cut out for her. How would he feel if she had the affair? I bet he would see seomthing wrong with that. I can't stand it when women have to go through things like this. Do they have kids? I forget...

YEs it is essential that our friends stay with us through all of this, and that they remain friends to both and not take sides because that helps the husband to still feel welcome and to get over or live with the shame (I know mine feels shame). I have read that the husbands dont really feel regret, because it was an enjoyable experience for them, two women both wanting him, both at his beck and call. But mine has demonstrated and talked about guilt and shame so they also need support if staying together is the outcome both parties want. But remember, if it does not work out there is plenty of supportive people here who really do help by showing other options, other choices, other horizons are out there and possible whether you are single or married. Lots of Love.

Deb, I find it so hard to support both people when a couple separates. It's hard to communicate with them because it seems each shares very persoanl things they don't want you to tell the other person. I have a hard time remembeirng what I can and can't say. So I guess I usually decide my allegiance is to just one, then try to support them wholeheartedly. Anyone else have this problem when friends separate?