I think that all of our experiences are different and they all colour our advise. If u check out my blog you will understand where I am coming from. It has been 18 months since my husband dallied, but not seriously, he only tried out the water and decided he would rather stay. A lot of factors influenced my behaviour at the time of revelation, including illness. Sometimes I think I should have thrown him out, but at that time in my and my familys life it would have been difficult. we are coping, but I will continue later, must go now.

My original question was "if your marriage SURVIVED an affair".

I know they can and my friend and I know they have, looking for support through survival!!

Di, forgiveness is huge. And so is therapy. Will he go to marriage counseling with her?

Deb, we do what we have to at the time. I agree. Every experience is different. I also think the results can be different within a fmaily. Just depends what's going on at the time.

My marriage almost survived an affair. The first time, I forgave it, rebuilt our life because I thought it resulted from his bipolar issues. Well it has happened again and manic or not, I think he's just a selfish, spoiled child.
He says he wants freedom, doesn't want the responsibility of marriage and kids.....when did he ever take any responsibility. I made it soooo easy for him! So, I guess the long and short of it is, no. Apparently, no matter how hard you try or how much you want to make it work, you can never go back to what was once that trust is violated. Infidelity is the big lie, it's not just about sex, it's about lies and betrayal and disrespect. No one should permit that in their lives. You just can't and maintain a healthy sense of self. At least that's what I'm learning.
And please forgive my bluntness, but I really don't think God has anything to do with it. We need to value ourselves as much as God values us. We can't hold him responsible for our cheating husbands or expect Him to fix them.

We believe God CAN fix people...they just have to be willing.

thanks for all input!!

Okay, survived the affair. Twice in my own family marriages has survived after the affair. First, my cousin Pats husband cheated (alot) she found out and forgave him, that was back in the 60's. They have remained married, they hate one another and don't talk but they are still together, whoopee! ...The second was my cousin Arlene, she cheated and their marriage survived because she never got caught, never told him and found out in time the man she was cheating with (also married) was a scoundrel. Her husband remains the same boring, sexless person he was before she had the affair but they are still married. Just had an anniversary, she feels she has wasted her youth and life with this man. In all honesty ALL of the marriages I know of, and there are dozens, have not survived so much as SETTLED!! One or the other must swallow his or her pride and take whatever is left. God wants us all to be the best that we can be, to be happy. I doubt it is God she hears when choosing to remain, she's scared and her self-confidence is shot and she is willing to SETTLE just to hang on, its what women sometimes do and has little to do with God. I feel sorry for her for both times he abused her but she should have set him straight the first time...I know myself from experience, when the trust is gone and all those visions creep into your head of him/her with someone else, it is totally devestating to the marriage, trust and the LOVE. I wish her well, she'll need it if she stays with this man and doesn't get real!
God has given us all, man and woman, "free will," he doesn't fix us. He allows us to break or not, according to our own moral standard....

In my opinion...and it's just that, my opinion...the affair is just a symptom of what is wrong in a marriage...it's rarely the cause of the problem.

I've lived through this and as hard as it was at the time...I knew we weren't happy and although I wanted to blame him and the other woman completely...I had a part in it, too.

There are so many side issues...self esteem...expectations from past experience...that come into play and mold a relationship. I believe that's why it is so hard to remain married...because we cover-up the underlying problems with the blame and the guilt of the affair instead of bringing them out into the open and healing them. So you still have the same problems as before and now you have the affair stuff to add to it. It's just too much!

My ex-husband chose to leave at the time. I don't know if we could have worked it out or not but I know it would have been hard.

Jane, I agree. Something makes them stray. Getting to the bottom of that with honesty is what's most important. Unfortunately, sometimes couples get in therapy for a few times, feel better, then sweep everything under the rug. That's when affairs tend to reappear.

I, for one, have never been able to get past an affair...and frankly, am glad I didn't. I did try to remain in my marriages (there were 3 who cheated on me), and despite everything I tried sticking it out...didn't work for me. I want what I give, which is faithfulness. So, I got out, backed away from dating for a long time, re-evaluated why I picked men who cheated and realized that I had not raised the bar high enough when I picked a husband...my own low self-esteem had me taking what came along and accepting red flags that I knew were there but that should have been my exit cue...I got what I settled for. The new and improved Dee, when I was ready to pursue a HEALTHY relationship, was awesome. I got out there, my shield and sword ready...red flags appeared..they were gone, out of there. NEXT!! I found that I did have control and I did have a choice in who is in my life. Boy, did I get excited then. It was kinda refreshing to watch men who thought they could be schmucks to me crumble as I told them to "don't let the door hit you on the way out." It was refreshing. VERY refreshing. I defined what I would accept and what I would not accept in a partner and once I had that figured out, the only thing left to do was test the waters. My new attitude paid off when I met Larry...my goodness, what a wonderful man. I observed him, questioned him, talked with him, made him wait for things he wasn't happy about but did to prove to me he cared...(wow, what a wonderful change that brought)...made sure I knew his family and friends and even co-workers. When I was certain that he didn't have any red flags or things I couldn't live with then and only then did I start to open up my heart. I let him in slowly because I wanted to see if over time the Larry I met in the beginning was the Larry I had months and months and months later. He was and he is today, only better, because I can see that I make him happy. I got an email from a co-worker of his last week who told me he didn't know what I was doing but whatever it was, keep it up...he said he's never seen Larry so happy. Wow, what a wonderful thing to hear. I know you've heard me say this about him but he truly is my soul-mate. I've found that when it's the right man, I don't have to worry about affairs or other problems. He knows if he ever cheats on me I'll boot him out...he liked that in me because I showed him I was strong enough that I could live without him and not put up with crap. It's taken me years but I finally did it the right way. Maybe one day I'll write about our love story. Oh...I think I just did...(smile).

Dee, sounds like all the homework you did was worth it. You made a lot of great points. I especially like your reference to "red flags." And I'm glad you are so happy. I thnk as we hit midlife, we realize we don't have to settle.