Di, I understand where your friend is coming from. It is a very hard road to walk. We ALL have to remember that God in His infinite wisdom ALWAYS has a bigger plan--that plan being to make sure everyone has had ample opportunity to come to Christ. Even rapists, even abusers. God's only concern is that everyone excapes hell. God will use anyone He purposes for that. God may be wanting her to stay, to allow one last opportunity for her husband to accept or to turn down where he spends eternity.

I had a friend once who's husband was having an affair--he was actually living with the other woman. God told her to invite him to dinner--not once, but twice. It was hard, it was humiliating, but she did it. Each time he came in, ate and left. Once she had been obedient THEN God released her from him--and it was a complete release--free from anger, resentment, and even pain. Once God released her, He also healed her of the effects of divorce AND in the process so convicted her husband that she got everything in court she had asked for without any battle.

I can personally attest that while painful and humiliating, she was released into a much better situation. Tell your friend to just hang in there and keep listening to God, He will direct her paths. BUT He also won't put her in compromising situations or danger so if either develop she needs to recognize who's really at work at that time.

While going through my resent divorce I was asking God why He had told me to go back to him, knowing he wasn't really changed and was going to be in such trouble. God spoke to me specifically about what I have just shared and used the following Bible account as well. We all know the story of when God told Abraham to take Isaac and sacrifice him on the altar. We've all had countless bible studies about Abraham and his great faith that God would somehow provide a different sacrifice etc. What we've never focused on is the secondary character--Isaac. We know Isaac is old enough to understand, to question where the sacrifice is, old enough to fight being tied up, young enough to outrun Abraham rather than die--yet Isaac never fights! He allows himself to be laid on that altar as a SHORT TERM sacrifice (that doesn't lead to death) to do a greater work in Abraham--the building of his great faith.

God had a bigger plan--He ALWAYS does. God used Isaac short term as part of that plan. In the end Abraham had such great faith--and so did Isaac! Both men went on to be great leaders.

I hope this is an encouragement.

I think Anne327 has hit the nail on the head. God does not want anyone to live in mortal danger. This guy is not just a verbal abuser, he is a RAPIST. Forgiveness is fine, but that doesn't mean God wants you to return to the place of hurt and possible danger. You aren't required to live in hurt, pain, and turmoil to be a christian. Your friend has the right to do what she wants of course, but I think all he is going to see her as is a doormat. You said she has waited on him hand and foot, bends over backwards for him, and is positively saintly around him. What she needs to do is grow a backbone and take a stand. Men walk all over women who just lay down like a rug....and women do the same to men like that.

You know, Jesus loved and prayed for everyone, but he didn't let people use him and walk all over him. He set them straight very quickly....which is what your friend needs to do with her husband.

I'm really not trying to sound harsh, but I think Anne is right and your friend might be confusing what God wants her to do with what she is too fearful to do. I was in an abusive marriage and went to see a christian counselor and he made it plain to me that God did not want me to go back into that abuse. He told me that once a man abuses or cheats he has already broken his vow to God, and therefore to his wife.

Obviously this cheating episode is not this man's first betrayal. He didn't just "slip'. This man is a verbal abuser (which also means he is an emotional abuser because they go hand in hand and let me tell you that while the bruises from physical abuse heal, the bruises to the spirit from emotional abuse can last forever), a RAPIST, and a cheater.

My prayer is that your friend can recover her sense of self worth, which I suspect was lost a long time ago due to this man's treatment of her, and learn to stand up for herself again.

Good idea Anne. There is lots of real support here.

We talked more, today.

First, she does not type and does not own a computer.

Secondly, she is doing her best to walk the straight and narrow. She wants to continue to uplift her husband (as we all should be doing!), thanking them for what they do for us; she has given him two years and she cannot break the promise.

Thank you, each and every one of you. I read these to her and she does nod in agreement. But in the end, she must be the one at peace.

Di, you are such a great friend. You're smart to read her all these responses because there is truth in all of them. I'm praying she will see the truth behind her marriage and be set free...whatever that means for her situation...to stay, or go.

Thank you, Dotsie.
I hate divorce myself. (Been there, done that and it ain't fun..even without children)

my friend, still, is concentrating on seeing the good in him. Jesus did. He covered our sins with His blood. She wants to love the unlovely. She desires to be set apart; different; loving and not do what the world would do...leave him because of sin...as we are ALL sinners. And God sees sin has sin...not as one worse than the other.

...mmmm....lots of food for thought here.
Living with a partner, who has no respect for you shatters your self confidence. And until you live the experience you really have no idea how you will really react in the situation. And if it has taken years to get here, it will take a long time to repair. I believe that if you have no self confidence, it can be difficult to hear the words that God may be trying to get across. People truly do not change. Would God want your friend to miss out on a great life? But the quality of her life is her perception, based on her lived experiences. I believe that your friend may find the answer in Christian counselling for herself, it may give her the strength and self confidence to truly hear God's message.
Security and money is an issue and could be seen as a problem. Has your friend done a budget?? I did and I could have lived with only my income to support my four children and to continue to pay the mortgage on my house and my Mums flat, mind you there would not be steak for dinner and no more holidays, but we could have done it. That exercise gave me the strength to make my decision to stay and helped me forgive, because I knew it was not based on financial need. A lawyers advise here might be timely and enable your friend to see more options.
My situation was different to your friends.
Your continued support is wonderful and will help her immensely.
Divorce is a terrible thing, but so is living a life with someone who leads you to lose all self respect and capacity to make wise decisions.

Deb, you mention money. Do many of the women here believe this is what often keeps women from leaving ?

Yes, money is an issue and the threat that he will gain possession of the children.

Finances play a huge role in this. Many women also believe their children need a father in the house even if he is a scoundrel.