I appreciate your comments. Thanks Casey, glad you can relate. Gimster, I appreciate your asking what you/others can do to help.
I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor. I will talk to her about my overwhelming feelings, my stress, depression.That should help me a bit as we have a good connection. I have also been given a number of a social worker at the John Howard Society to call and talk to. She is very experienced (over 20 years) Her input will help I'm sure as believe it or not, I am not alone in this. It's more common then we know.
I guess for me the hardest part is to see him this way. I just don't understand it and have done everything I could do to help him. It's soooooo frustrating. I really need to let go of him and let him work things out, although at the same time I fear for his safety. He really needs to see professionals who know how to deal with his many problems. I don't know how to help him. I've exhausted all of my options. I feel an overwhelming guilt at times that I should of, could have done more. But I know that is not realistic. Someone mentioned in an earlier post that I should try to look at it like he is not my son at the moment. The little boy I raised is not there, just the drug addicted person he is now. I need to accept that this is his reality and stop trying to be his saviour. Another thing I read that I can relate to in another post. "You are not God"
That hits home for me as I feel like I have to fix him, I have to change him,I have to help him. It's my job, I'm his mother. I struggle with these feelings and go back and forth. Should I help him, I shouldn't help him. Logically I know he needs outside help, he's sick and his problems are way over my head. All I do by helping him is prolong his hitting rock bottom.
Tommorow is another day, I need to take it one day at a time.
Kate

this has been a long hard struggle for you kate, i hope you find some help for yourself when you see the doc. Its typical that an addict child distrupts the whole familly, addiction as a family disease- even if only one is addicted. In my experience I also agree with casy it takes a long time in recovery before the addiction, even if they are clean subsides enough so that they can look outside themselfs, its a self-centred self-obsessed type of condition. One day at a time attitude dose help tremendously especilly wwhen it all seems like its too much in total getting throw 24 hours is a feet in itself.

Hope you manage without it pulling you down much more. I know its hard waiting for someone you care about to bottom out especilly as we are all mums and somehow mums are ment to be there and sort out for our kids but their comes a time to let our kids be adult and responcible and be on their own 2 feet regardless of what that means to them. Unfortunitly and in this situasion you are powerless over your sons behaviour and choices he makes. The only thing you can be responcible over and have limited control over is your own life and focus. I have been obsessed and distressed beyond reson with addicts behaving badly in my life and all it ever did was make me unwell drag me down and wast my time and my energy as i stoped living my life or even when i was doing my life mentally i was still with them..

No ones suggesting you let your son be and focus on yourself and other kids becouse they don't care about the addicted son, if anything they saying what they are saying becouse they do care, but more importantly care about you making it throw this ok...either choice you make is hard and gonna be harder at times...god bless and guide you as you choice and live by the consiquincess. Hope i can be a support to you any time you need one

I have found the following essay under the daily OM, and have changed it somewhat to fit your situation. I hope it helps you see clearly, Kate, and that these words give you the strength to move on.

Quote:

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Freeing Yourself and Knowing When To Let Someone Go


Just as a good Mother/Son relationship can have a positive impact on one's life, stressful, draining, or imbalanced relationships can have negative effects on your health and well-being. It's common to maintain a relationship because we feel the other person needs us or we believe that they will eventually change. We may also be afraid of hurting the other person. But knowing when to end a relationship and acknowledging that the pain will pass can often prevent greater pain and feelings of loss in the long run.

If this relationship has become unhealthy for you and the rest of your family, rather than spending energy attempting to fix the problem or complaining, ask yourself what you really want from the relationship. Consider whether your son truly considers your feelings or if he is willing to change his behavior. While every relationship has ups and downs, when there are more downs than ups or the two of you are bringing out the worst in each other, it may be time to sever the connection, even if he is your son.

Every relationship thrives on honesty, communication, mutual caring, and time spent together. When one or more of these elements are missing, it may be that the relationship, no matter how passionate, simply isn't worth it. It's far better to end a relationship that doesn't feel right than to hold on to it and languish in feelings of anger or resentment. Moving on without struggle, on the other hand, can be the door that leads you to a more nurturing relationship in the future. Your son will always be your son. that will never change, but you have responsibilities towards your other children, and they have to be now your first priority.

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That's a keeper, HL. Do you mind emailing me the original wording. I'd like to modify it and send it, along with a book, to someone I know who is having a relationship problem.
Sorry to interrupt this thread for this request, but I figure kate and all will understand.

Kate, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through right now. It's hard when it's your own child doing these horrible things. Just know that it's not the person who is doing these things, it's the drugs. You have to take care of yourself right now and your children. Your son will eventually come to the realization that he needs help. Drug and alcohol addiction is a terrible thing, but those who are addicted have to want help before they will accept it. Take care of yourself and do whatever is necessary to keep safe. You are all in my prayers.

Again, thanks everyone. Hannelore, thanks for that quote, I will print it off. I also remembered that I have a really good book that I should dig out called "Lost Boys and the Mothers Who Love Them" It's a Christian book with personal stories, some have happy endings, some don't. I remember I found it helpful when I read it.
I am distancing myself from my son and will no longer do anything for him from here on in.(I'm working on sticking to that) When he was at my house I called my ex who lives five minutes away and asked him to come over and talk to him as I knew he was going to lash out at me. He wouldn't, said he has his own problems. My ex used to behave the same way my son treats me, abusive. I'm on my own when dealing with him. He never goes to his fathers house and yells at him. He is respectful to him, a father that does nothing for him. There is a lesson to be learned from this. I guess I have tried to be both parents to my son as I felt bad for him that his own father rejects him and has done since he was 11. No more excuses though. I need to work on taking care of myself, my other two children and learn how to stop being a fixer and a people pleaser. Narnon is a good place to start.
Kate

Kate, try to remember you aren't really dealing with your son but with the drugs he takes. My oldest was so rebellious and did drugs and disrupted the family and I had to kick him out too. It just isn't fair to the other kids. There was tremendous pain involved and I cried for days but he straightened himself out after that.

Naranon a great place i would set stock by it and if some of the members live near you some of them don't mind being physically their for you as you say you are alone. A long many a year ago i got droped off after a meeting and had a bad feeling. So the other member walked me to the door the house was trashed and the offending article was semi concise and hallucinatting in bed. I was glade of the company especilly since i mentally froze they help get us to a safe place till that storm blow over. I learned a lot and that was the finale days before i got my life to perminantly changed. Mindyou each group is diffrent and even if they can't physically keep you company if your son comes round your house metaphorically you wont be alone....its such a god send that groups like this are avalible just for the support the sharring the tears and laughing it all helps kate. I will keep you in my prayers pet. All that you are facing is managible, it works if you work it

celtic

I'm hanging in. It has been the longest week and a half. I called my son's Probation officer as my son meets with him weekly. I told him to tell my son not to contact me or I will call the police. Told him I have had it. My kids are really fed up too and my younger son is really traumatized by the chaos my older son creates. He fears for my safety as my son is violent. Although I mean what I say and will not have anything to do with my son, it hurts so bad. I can't seem to focus on work, anything really. I keep telling myself it's what I have to do for now if I want to have a healthy relationship with him down the road when he gets clean, if he ever does. I also have to protect my other children.
It's so hard not knowing where he is or if he's ok. I guess for him it's easier not contacting me as he doesn't have to lie any more about getting help. He can live in his druggy world without having me always nagging him to get help. I hope he hits his rock bottom soon for his sake. It's dangerous out there.
Kate