I'm having a really bad time of this. I have not heard from my son in almost two weeks. No one has. I'm riddled with guilt and am thinking the worst, that he killed himself. Logically I know it's not my fault, but emotionally I feel like it is. I can't focus on work and just don't care about anything. All I do is go to work get almost nothing done, then go home and sleep. I know I'm spiralling downwards real fast. I called a counseller and they hope to get me in within 5 days. I hope so as each day that goes by I get worse. I don't want to hear from him, just want to know that he is ok. He is not contacting me like I asked but not knowing is causing to me worry constantly. I just want to know that he is ok, that's all. The last thing he told me was that he had no where to do go and begged me to help him. He told me he can't take care of himself and said if I don't help him he will have no choice but to kill himself. Later at my house when he came over after my asking him to leave he went into a rage and motioned that he was going to slit his throat and make me pay for turning him away. It's sick I know and my mind is now playing games on me. I know that helping him would just continue this crazy cycle but.....?

I've been told to just move on, forget about him and take care of my other kids. That is so much easier said than done. My friend made me promise to call a counsellor today and I did. She is going to call me this afternoon to make sure. I wasn't going to meet her for coffee today as I don't feel like seeing anyone but am glad I did. Talking really helped for now as it was a distraction.
Kate

katebecca, this is all so emotional for you and I am sorry you have to go through this. A counsellor is a good decision. Hopefully you will hear from your son and it will set your mind at ease. I am holding you in prayer. God Bless you for having to experience all of this.

chick

kate
"I've been told to just move on, forget about him and take care of my other kids. That is so much easier said than done." kates quote

it is so much easier said than dun. In the absence of knowlage about him your mind will run riote especilly since he left making gestures that weer desined to do so. In haste people say or do stuff sometimes not knowing the full extent of the hurt it could couse you...
Just have to hand it over to god and surrender, relise you have no power over this and find comphort that everything works out for the best.....when i was in the same situasion i prayed obsessifly, bit by bit the obbsesive thoughts did diea down, life became enjoyable allthough uncomphortably so (depending how i was handling the pressure) it all works out...

i hope you get to your counselller soon and that you do have some numbers from the NAR non group you attended they be very good resorce for you at the minet....

looking back its seemes easier for me than it was at the time, i would not trade with you for your present circumstancies. One day i hope you also get to look back at this current time and rember how you managed to get throw it all, hopefully helping someone else in the same situasion

good luck at the minuet kate and god bless you and hold you tightly
celtic

oh, kate, Bless your heart. His threats are doing to you what he wants them to do, make you worried over your decision to turn him out. From what I've been made to understand (and the subject has been present in my own life), threats usually come with little intent. It's when someone is suicidal and says nothing that we need to take notice. This, of course, does not hold true for all, but (again as I've been taught) is a general rule.
Do put it in God's capable hands, as celtic said, and we'll pray for your son's protection. (((HUGS)))

You can't just forget and move on when it's your child, no matter what he's done or how old he is. It's impossible.

Have you checked jail, police? He might be holed up with some addicts. Maybe he's just making you feel guilty because you wouldn't let him ruin what's left of your family after his destructive ways. I would think that if he died, he would have been found and you would have been notified.

My girlfriend's son just vanished. She was worried sick and couldn't find him for a couple of years. She finally hired a PI and he found him in one day through the drivers license dept. So, she asked him to come over for dinner and he did. After that, he just vanished again. No problems other than he didn't like his stepfather but he wasn't that bad of a guy. Just kind of strict. I think her son just decided to disassociate himself from the family.

I want you to know how sorry I am that this is happening. It must be so horrible for you.

Kate, I think Dianne's suggestion is the best. Hire a PI, so you can get some peace of mind.

Quote:

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The Final Analysis
People are often unreasonable, self-centred: Forgive them anyway. If you are Honest, People may cheat you, but be Honest anyway. What you spend years to build, someone could destroy overnight. Build anyway. The good you do today, People will often forget tomorrow. Do Good anyway. You see, in the final analysis it is between you and God; it never was between you and them anyway.

---

Hannelore comes to the rescue with another one of her most appropriate quotes. Thanks Hannelore.

Kate, I just read today that when a problem is shared with a friend it is cut in half. Perhaps that's how you were feeling after talking with your friend. I'm glad you did something for yourself and met with her. I hope you get to meet with your therapist this week. Meantime, stay strong and find a little peace in knowing that your boomer sisters are here to listen and carry you in prayer. I am also praying for your son. I htink checking iwth the police is a good idea. If he's over 18, they won't contact you, will they?

If he is over 18, no they won't contact me. I got my ex to call the druggy house he was staying at and sure enough he is still there. He didn't answer but his druggy friend told him his Dad was asking for him and that is all it took for him to start up with his begging for food, money etc. He called me from his Dad's house today with the excuse that he wanted my Mom's new tel number. I gave him the number and said good-bye. I did not ask him anything just said good-bye and hung up. Called my Mom later and she said he gave her the old victim story about how no one in the family will help him. What kind of family abandons their own etc. He did not like her answer and hung up on her. I called my ex later just to see how it went (I don't want to talk to him) and he said he got the same story and my son told him that he is going to treatment in five days. Two weeks ago he told me he was going to treatment in five days. He just tells us that so he can manipulate us and get money etc. He told his Dad that he was going to come over to my house and my ex told him that I would call the police so that would not be a good idea. My ex also told him that we are all terrified and need to be left alone, he's done enough damage. He left his Dad's without the sympathy he was looking for.
So far, I have not heard from him again but I know I will. I will discuss with my therapist how to proceed, a good reason to see her. The counselling place I go to is especially for addiction type problems. My son went there for a while with me a couple of years ago. To help myself I did some research on some addiction sites and they said don't get into arguments with them, give them advice etc. as things will just escalate. Just tell them you know they will make the best decision for them and change the subject. Good advice. I have decided that I will not talk with him, meet with him (for now) unless we are in the company of a therapist, counsellor etc. When we are together things escalate quickly and I cannot afford to do this for my mental health, his, and my other two children. I'm learning, slowly but learning.
Kate

I am happy to hear that you know your son is alive and did not carry out his threats of suicide. I am glad that your Mom is not hindering the situation by enabling him. Grandparents can be softer to grandkids at times.

I have watched a show on tv where families try to get their loved one to quit their addiction. It's a real tug of war.

Kate, I really don't know how I would cope with the situation myself, if this was my son. I really admire you for doing all it takes to do what's right for all involved. Research, counsellors, and the like shows that you haven't given up on your son. His addiction is so strong and controlling.

chick

Hi all,
After seeing my doctor three times in two weeks she suggested I go on anti-depressants for a period of time. I hate medication and was on anti-depressants for five years while I was married. They just helped me to stay in a bad marriage. It took me a while to get off them but I did it. I've been taking St. John's Wort ever since and they kept me stable. The stress I have been under and the deep depression I have been in became too much. I was not there for my other two children at home. I basically stared at the computer all day at work, went home and went straight to bed. Stayed there until bedtime, then went to sleep for the night. My kids were taking care of themselves. They are teens but do still need their Mom. I could barely function. I gave in to the doctor mainly because of them. I had also not been straight with her about what I was going through but came clean on the third visit.
My younger son was getting more depressed seeing me so depressed. I guess I was basically grieving the loss of my son. Letting him go (having no contact) seemed like a death, even though he is still here.
My doctor says because I am prone to depression that this is the only way for now. I start back at counselling on Monday. So, I guess it's all good as I am helping myself which in turn is helping my children. It's day two on Welbutrin. I feel a little weird but have a much better attitude even after such a short time. Mainly I realize now that I have been thinking of my son as a little boy still. I forget that he is a man at 22. I have been driving myself crazy with worry thinking of him as a little boy out there all alone suffering. When I think of him as a little boy the guilt and worry are exaggerated. What helped was to think back on a time when I was that age. It made me realize that he is capable of taking care of himself, even in his druggy state. I need to let him go for now so he can learn to depend on himself and not be so dependant on me. So, I'm feeling better already but not happy that I am medicated. I'd do anything for my children though and need to be able to function so here I am. I only hope that my stay on this medication is for a short period of time.
Kate