When he was in jail I felt sorry for him because he was victimized. But, I also felt relieved that I knew where he was and that no matter what the weather, he had a roof over his head. For the first few months that he was in jail I would panic when someone would knock on the door thinking it was him. Both myself and my other two kids were traumatized by his behaviour and they have had to get counselling. I guess the main thing for me is that I don't want him to be angry with me, I want him to always be able to count on me. I'm a fixer. After saying that, I know that those are my needs. That by being a fixer for him I will allow him to blame me for all of his problems and not take personal responsibility. I know I did the right thing, I just feel sad for him. To me he is still my little boy. I see him at the age of 12 when all the trouble started. Emotionally he is still that age. I have a 13 year old son who is far more mature than my 22 year old son. I am thinking of going to some Narnon Meetings for support as most of my friends from the group have moved on in that way. Their kids are no longer in the drug scene.
Thank you so much for your words of kindness. I am waiting for someone to say "What, you left him out in the cold, how could you" His Dad said that, yet he is the one who has never helped him out ever, never called him in jail or sent him a letter, never acknowledges his birthday or Christmas. I know he just feels guilty so I can't win with him. Since he was 12 I have been both parents to my son. My ex has said, he's been with you since he was 12 so it's your fault he's the way he is. Nice. I won't focus on that though. I will stay strong in front of him even though it hurts to do this. I know by staying strong I am helping him even though he may not see it that way. He is so weak, I'm afraid he may just end up back in jail as he is still not at the place where he wants to change.
Kate