When he was in jail I felt sorry for him because he was victimized. But, I also felt relieved that I knew where he was and that no matter what the weather, he had a roof over his head. For the first few months that he was in jail I would panic when someone would knock on the door thinking it was him. Both myself and my other two kids were traumatized by his behaviour and they have had to get counselling. I guess the main thing for me is that I don't want him to be angry with me, I want him to always be able to count on me. I'm a fixer. After saying that, I know that those are my needs. That by being a fixer for him I will allow him to blame me for all of his problems and not take personal responsibility. I know I did the right thing, I just feel sad for him. To me he is still my little boy. I see him at the age of 12 when all the trouble started. Emotionally he is still that age. I have a 13 year old son who is far more mature than my 22 year old son. I am thinking of going to some Narnon Meetings for support as most of my friends from the group have moved on in that way. Their kids are no longer in the drug scene.
Thank you so much for your words of kindness. I am waiting for someone to say "What, you left him out in the cold, how could you" His Dad said that, yet he is the one who has never helped him out ever, never called him in jail or sent him a letter, never acknowledges his birthday or Christmas. I know he just feels guilty so I can't win with him. Since he was 12 I have been both parents to my son. My ex has said, he's been with you since he was 12 so it's your fault he's the way he is. Nice. I won't focus on that though. I will stay strong in front of him even though it hurts to do this. I know by staying strong I am helping him even though he may not see it that way. He is so weak, I'm afraid he may just end up back in jail as he is still not at the place where he wants to change.
Kate

Kate -
My heart goes out to you. Stay strong girl - you are doing the right thing, even tho it does not feel like it. Your son knows you are the fixer, or maybe the people pleaser. He knows exactly which buttons to push to get to you. I know this because I am a people pleaser myself. About 3 years ago, my 2 older children were asked to pay rent or move out. You would have thought we asked them for a million dollars. They both worked full time. To them we were horrible parents and to this day they still think we were wrong. They just don't get it. I think this younger generation is very self centered and thinks we parents should always take care of them no matter what. Well, there comes a time when we have to put up our boundaries and try to love them enuf to let them go. They need to make their own way and yes their own mistakes. Tough love is extremely hard on us Mom's. I still get very upset that my children are no longer living here. That they think we were so horrible. It hurts. After all the years of nurturing and loving that we gave them, they act like we never cared for them. My son could not even pick up the phone and call us on Thanksgiving. But - I try to tell myself they have to mature and we brought them up to be good loving people, so I pray that someday they will wake up. I just pray I am still here to enjoy it!!! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, Kate. Even tho we cannot be with each other, this community of women is a wonderful, caring environment.

Go to the narcanon (is that correct?) and join the people there. I went to Alanon for many years and had such support, you cannot even imagine. Get yourself a sponsor that can hold you accountable for your actions. This will help you keep it all straight and keep you strong for when your son lays those guilt trips on you. My cousin always says: "Pack your bags, you're goin on a guilt trip!!"
But, please do not be afraid to go to a meeting. I think you will find it truly helps. Ok - I will get off my soapbox now!!

Craftyone; thanks for your comments and concern. I will go to a meeting as soon and I dig myself out of all this snow. I understand where you are coming from and hope your children realize how much you have done for them and appreciate you when they mature. When I was married my ex traveled alot and I spent every waking moment with my son. He is nine years older than the other two so all his early years were spent hanging out with his Mom. I took him to play groups, library groups, swimming, pony rides, everywhere. Read to him every night and even laid down with him for almost an hour until he went to sleep. Bedtime was my favorite time with him as we were so close. But, they do grow up and sometimes leave us emotionally for a long while. I don't think many of them get it until they have children of their own, then a light bulb comes on. It did for me anyway. Whatever they do, or think, we have to take care of ourselves too. It is not our job to please them, although they would like it that way.
My son got a call from the treatment centre today. They have a bed this Friday. I hope he takes it. I can't find him though, don't know where he is so may not be able to get him the message. I hope he checks in but he is really angry with me for not letting him in the other night. Called his grandma (his Dad's Mom) to complain about me but she was having none of it and told him he's a grown up now and his Mom has done too much for him already.

Yes this community of women is a wonderful, caring environment and I appreciate all of you so much.
Kate

Kate, it's so nice to know that you x-MIL spoke on your behalf.

I think it would be great for you to have a local sponsor. Then you could call them when you are feeling weak and they would build you up again by telling you that you are doing the right thing.

I just said a liitle prayer that your son will be in touch with you so you can give him the information about being there on Friday. Please God!

Bringing this up to cover two advertisements.

Things are happening finally. My son did get my message and will be on his way to the treatment centre in the morning at 6am. He has to be there at 11:00am and it is about 5 hours away.
It's his 22nd birthday today. I woke up this morning and had a flash back. A bitter sweet moment.
This morning he called to let me know he was going. We did talk, both shed some tears. He felt hurt that I would kick him out without giving him a chance. He felt I didn't give him enough time. His thoughts were justified as they were his thoughts, but so were mine. I explained to him that I am his parent and that I look at what I did in a much different way. I told him he needed me to be this way, to provide tough love. I said I'd rather you be mad at me and go to treatment, then not be mad at me and not go. I tried to explain that my decision was a tough one but it had to be done for his sake. Also pointed out that as soon as I kicked him out he went and arranged for treatment, something he was procrastinating about while he was staying with me. If I didn't give him the reality check, he would still be putting it off. He seemed to understand. His grandparents and I took him out for lunch for his birthday and I got him a few needed things for his stay at the treatment centre. He was quiet and humble which was nice to see. (He can be quite cocky and self-centered)
I have kept in touch with my ex-husbands mother and step dad and we are good friends. Even though my ex was abusive I felt that my children needed to have a relationship with their grandparents no matter what I thought of their son. We just agreed to never discuss him and we get along better now than we ever did when we were married. My ex always used to bad mouth me to his mother and she always took his side, she doesn't anymore.
Thank you for your prayers and concern, words of support etc. I really believe in prayer. It does work, sometimes not when we want it to, sometimes not like we want it to, but it does work. Support from others gives us strength to hang in there....thank you!
Now I will be praying that he stays for the entire 10 weeks. He has been to treatment before and only lasted for 8 or 9 days. This will not be easy for him.
Kate

great atlest as you say he's going this time, and hopefully the stay will be longer. Better still this one may even change his lif's habits, fingers crossed for you all

celtic_flame

Well, my son returned after only one week at treatment. I asked him to think long and hard about this choice before he left but he just told me that the drugs were a faze and he can beat them on his own. Typical of some addicts, he felt that the others in the treatment centre were way worse than him and felt he didn't belong there. He has been home for a week now, got a job and was doing ok up until now. I had not heard from him for a few days which even at 22 is unusual, he always keeps in touch with me. After making a few calls I went to a drug house that I know of and found him there. He had spent his entire pay cheque on drugs and alcohol and was broke and intoxicated when I found him. I had to go into the house as everyone was so out of it they didn't answer the door. He was not happy that I found him. He did greet me though and took me outside as he didn't want me in the place. He was upset and told me that he wanted to do it on his own but realizes now that he can't. He kept saying he was sorry. He said after more than a year in jail he wanted to have some fun. I don't think he is having any fun though. He told me that this world is an evil place. Poor thing, he has no idea what this world has to offer him as he is only looking at the negative side of the world, he can't see anything else and that is why he numbs himself with substances. I told him to sleep it off and make sure he comes home for Christmas, that I am not judging him and that I know he will do the right thing this time. Of course I have my doubts as he keeps trying and falling down again. It's tough to watch but I have to support him and keep pushing him and not give up. I belong to a parent/teen group and have been involved with them for 6 years now. Most of our kids have moved on to better lives. One of the moms emailed me today all upset as another of her daughters friends died of an overdose. This makes 8 young people dead due to drugs and alcohol in our circle. I pray every night that this doesn't happen to my son. I pray that he changes soon and will continue to pray for him. This Christmas as in Christmas's past, I have to deal with my drug addicted son and my miserable negative mother. I don't know how I manage to stay positive. I do have two other wonderful children, good friends and a wonderful boyfriend. I thank God for that and my Dad of course who is very supportive of me.
Kate

hi kate
i been wonderring how it was going for you. All i can do is wish you well an pray for a good outcome for you. I know it isen't the best situasion you are in but i an glade you updated us with the news anyway...

sending you lots of love and prayers from NI

celtic_flame

Kate, God bless you for tracking him down. You have so much courage. Maybe he is hitting rock bottom this time. Perhaps he will see that it isn't fun and recognize that the treatment center is exactly where he needs to be. I'm praying he comes to this realization this holiday season.

I am also grateful for the friends who surround you during this difficult time. I have two friends who are going through similar situations with addicted children. One child is in his 40s and is now living on the streets and the other is in his 20s and is in jail for a year. When I pray for those moms, I include you in my thoughts.