Thanks Dotsie,
I'm Canadian so already had our Thanksgiving. I hope everyone has a nice American Thanksgiving though. My wonderful boyfriend has bought me plane tickets as he knows I need to get away. I will be going to a ski resort for a week with him where he lives. He lives in the east coast, I live on the West coast just above Seattle. He will take good care of me and will make sure I'm pampered. I've been on my own for 10 years so having him around is quite special. I have to pinch myself at times. Although he lives 3,000 miles away we talk daily and he is very supportive. Also, I belong to a group of women that got together when we all had acting out young teens. Most were quite serious cases, drug addiction, prostitution, nothing nice and simple. There was a group in town supported by the United Way that sets up these types of places for parents that are at their wits end, although it's totally run by volunteers. Our group decided to meet for coffee once a week to just discuss ourselves, rather than our kids. We have been meeting every Saturday morning for 7 years now. Most of our kids have moved past their issues but a couple, including mine have not. Anyway, for our birthdays we all get together and for the big ones, (mine was 50) we give $100 gift certificates to a spa. So, I got one and just have to get myself to go. I am very thankful for these women and others in my life, including this forum.
It's amazing though with such support sometimes you still feel alone and on your own as only you can make decisions and choices when it comes to your kids. I told my son he has until November 28th. That will mean that I have left him live at my home, rent free for 16 days. It only takes 7 to 10 days to get into treatment. He has been dragging his heels, out at night drinking and possibly using drugs. After the 28th he cannot stay any longer. I plan to have my locks changed as I know he has a key and probably made copies. I told him I hope he sticks to his plan but that I understand whatever he does it is his choice. He had a huge list when he got out of jail but ignores it now. It is my choice as to what is acceptable behavior in my home so as long as he is respectful he can stay until the 28th. After that he is on his own. My old self would nag him, drive him to set up appointments, do anything to keep him on track. But, it never worked. I was just run ragged and he continued to take advantage. At the end of the month he is 22 and keeps telling me to stay out of his business as he is an adult. So that is what I plan to do. I told him what I expect and if he follows through that's great, but if he doesn't he is on his own. A tough decision but one I had to make for myself and my other children.
Thanks everyone for your comments and concern and I will keep you posted. I hope this is helpful to others going through similar situations. We cannot save them by doing everything for them, I learned that the hard way by enabling him for years thinking I was helping.
Kate

I'm so sorry to hear he's drinking again. But Kate, you are so right about doing everything for them. It just doesn't work and we get used. I really, truly hope it works out this time for both of you. I know it's very stressful.

Oh Kate - I am so sorry. Do something positive for yourself. How about a nice massage? You need to take care of yourself and try to stay positive. I do hope that you will seek someone to speak with for your own sanity. It really does help and you need an out. How old are your other children? Can you take them somewhere for a weekend?

Kate, I am so grateful to hear you have that group. I'm sure you have all been instrumental in holding one another together through the years.

I'm ok for now thanks. When I went home from work yesterday my son was home and made a real effort to be nice. Usually he is anti-social. Not sure what's up with that. A guy I talked to said he may have needed to get it out of his system and now he will be ready to go. He has packed up all his stuff and is just awaiting the call. Went to his appointments today. I'm not sure what made him change his attitude but for now he is doing ok, staying home and being cooperative so I will take what I can get, one day at a time though. He could change again by tomorrow but I hope not. Actually if I look at the big picture he has changed quite a bit from the way he was before he went into jail. He does not let things escalate like he used to. Also he is not causing any problems with my other kids and seems to be getting on with them quite well. That in itself is a huge change. So, even though we have hit a few bumps in the road, he is much better this time around. The more time he has on his hands, the more chance of problems occurring. I hope we get the call from the treatment centre soon. For now though, things seem to have settled down for the most part. I'm thankful for that.
Kate

well i got to read the last 35 post all at once reading it was quite a rollercoaster, i can only imagine how u feel living throw it kate....

I really hope it workes out for your son, addiction a hard one, i worked in the area for too many years it taught me how to laugh at the world in generall sometimes just out of something close to hysteria but did change my view of people and the world generally. Desisions and situasions change daily if possible be flexible ....it is ok to change your mind about a course of action becouse of new situasions.
Im sure you know all this...having lived through it and with the help of your support group. Groups like thse are invaluable, at lest i found them so.
Im in the uk well Belfast Over here we have Narcotics Anon i know it opperates in the states, it should be in the phone book becouse their usilly in every big city. You could also gather informasion on-line. In any instance the world service by will give you information bout groups and support services. www.na.org/contact.htm
I just went and googled the link. hope it helps
(hope im allowed to do this im new and not quite sure about the soliciting information bit in the pre agreement rules)

There also similare type services for yourself and also for your other kids as anyone living with any addict has a prime oppertunity for hurt and baggage, and we could all do with spacifike support or when necassary specilist support.

I think reading this topic and the responces from the other woman has given me a good feel for this place and how warm and supportive everyone is, with the seriouse and the light harted topics alike. I will pop back into this topic keep us posted.

Celtic_flame

Kate, I'm keeping my fingers, toes and legs crossed for you and your son.

Well things went down hill on Friday. Apparently my son has to fill out paperwork before he can get on the waiting list for treatment. I thought it was all arranged and he was just waiting for a bed. Not so, there is a procedure to follow and he is not taking all the steps to put this in place. When I found out that he didn't do everything necessary to get on the waiting list I gave him an ultimatum. This past Friday he had been at my home for 14 days. It was only to be for 7 days as that is how long it takes to get a bed, if everything is all completed correctly. My son did call the treatment centre, but avoided doing the other things that had to be put into place before he goes. He is the worlds biggest procrastinator.
Anyway last Thursday night I told him he had been here long enough and that he had until Friday to get everything done in order to go to treatment. He said he would. I let him know that I needed proof that the paperwork was filled out or he would have to leave. I suggested he go to his Dad's as a plan" B". They don't have a great relationship and his Dad has never had him at his house since we got divorced 10 years ago, it always falls on me. When I came home from work on Friday my son was still home. He said he forgot to go down and set everything up so he could get on the waiting list. I reminded him that I made it very clear the night before as to what he had to do, I also woke him up in the morning before I went to work and reminded him again.
He left me no choice. I asked him to leave and not to come back. I said I hope you set up treatment and I wished him well but told him his stay with me was over. He asked if he could stay, said he would do it on Monday but I knew the chances of that were almost zero. It was hard to go through with it but I had to follow through.
He left and went to a friends, another drug user. I called him later and said that I dropped all his things off at his Dads and that he was welcome to stay there for a few days. Said maybe longer if he tried to work things out with him. Their relationship is not good and his Dad basically has had nothing to do with him since he was 13. But, I can't always be the one who picks up the pieces and told his dad he needs to step up to the plate.
I live on the westcoast and in the winter it rains. This winter we just got hit with a huge snow storm like Seattle and parts of Washington. My son came to my door last night and asked to come in. It was 11:30 at night and I was in bed. Although it was really hard to do I had to tell him he could not come in. It was snowing and cold but if I let him in, he would know that I am a push over. The history for the past few years is that he hangs out on the street, does drugs then bangs on my door usually in the middle of the night begging to come in. He does not just bang for a while and then go away. He yells through the door and has been known to knock for hours which drives me insane and then I let him in because I can't take the knocking. He knows this. I'm in a newer house now but when he lived with me he would just break the glass in the door and let himself in. I had to pay to get the glass fixed and then he would break it again. So last night I told him to walk to his fathers which is only a 15 minute walk. He asked to use the phone to call him, another trick then he pushes the door in. This time I threw the phone out fast so he couldn't get in. He then started to bang on the door again. I told him through the door to go to his Dad's, said I had done all I could. He continued to bang and yell but finally left. I opened the door to get the phone and found he had smashed it to pieces. He never did go to his Dad's. I couldn't sleep. Felt guilty for sending him away as it was snowing and cold but did what I had to do. It sounds harsh but if I don't stick to my word, he will walk all over me like he did in the past. I thought after a year in jail that he would make better choices but he is reverting quickly back to his old ways. I called his Dad today and he said he hasn't heard from him. He must still be hanging out with his friends. I'm sure he will be back again because typically his friends start to resent his freeloading and then they kick him out. I hope he doesn't come back because in the past neighbors have called the police and so have I had to. I don't want to do this but if things escalates I may have to and he will end up back in jail. I just wish I didn't feel so guilty. When he wouldn't leave I told him he was being a real jerk and wish I didn't say that. I've been trying really hard this time to be respectful but firm. In the past I would lose it with him and say hurtful things to him, mainly because he was damaging my property or upsetting my other kids.
I am worried and upset but at the same time angry with him and so disappointed. I really thought that after a year in jail he would get it. It appears he doesn't.
Kate

"My son came to my door last night and asked to come in. It was 11:30 at night and I was in bed. Although it was really hard to do I had to tell him he could not come in….. Felt guilty for sending him away as it was snowing and cold but did what I had to do."


I can't imagine doing anything harder then that. But what you've done, Kate, is you broke the chain; the chain of events leading to the same frustrating circle. By doing this, you have forced your son to "maybe" wake up and realize there is no safe haven in this cold world. He must take his life in his own hands. I applaud you, and I hold you very dear in my thoughts. You have proven what a strong Mother you really are. I hope, like Celtic_flame has suggested, that you find yourself a support group.

Kate, my heart aches for you but you are doing the right thing. This will never end if you let him back in, and you know that. As hard as it may be, you need to stick to your word or he will always know you will bail him out. In the long run, that only harms him.

I'm sure it's tough becasue as a mother you probably think that we should bail our children out. This case is different becasue he is not well. He needs help that you can no longer give him. Remind him that when he is drug/alcohol free you'll be able to show him all the love in the world, and right now, by turning him away, you are still showing him that love. It's just tough love!

How did you feel when he was in jail. Did you find peace in knowing he had a roof over his head and wasn't abusing? If so, and he won't get treatment, then perhaps it's the safest place for him right now. Please forgive me for saying this, but if he isn't in treatment and he doesn't have a place to live, and he has no money, then at least he's warm, fed, and has a roof over his head.

What do you think?

I'm lifting you, your son, and two younger children in prayer.