P.S. It wasn't God who spoke out false beliefs. It was man.

Dianne,
I felt the same as you about church. I always felt that since I could not submit, I was a terrible sinner and I felt like I didn't belong in a place like that since I was NEVER going to forgive this MAN!
I had to really turn to my own GOD at the time, it was a very loving God and sometimes I had to believe that God was a women as God was way too loving to be a MAN....lol

I am okay with all of that now! It was a real hard thing to get through though.
Thanks for sharing this too as IT IS SO IMPORTANT! probably number one.

I repeated a lot this phrase: God is everything or God is nothing!

Hugs to you Angel,
Nancy

It was very difficult to understand that God was love and not some giant waiting for me to step out of line so He could smash me like a ant on the sidewalk. Dr. Bob had to first, get rid of all the shame-inducing thoughts put in my head by my parents, before I could wrap myself around that idea. All they had taught me was, I better shape up or was going to burn in hell for eternity. Now, that's a downer! They also threw the scripture in my face about honoring your parents (forgot the read down further where God instructs parents to not provoke your children unto anger) but they always told me that when they died, I would be sorry. So, even in their death, I was going to feel awful and go to hell. It wasn't until I was in my 40's that my mom tried that again and I told her I could die before her so how would she feel?

So, is it any wonder I was attracted to an abuser? I needed someone who would continue to punish me. I felt like I needed and deserved it.

Oh how I relate to you! I always felt alone as though no one in the world felt like me!

Throughout my life as I began dating, or whatever we do in the UNHEALTHY way (without any type of guidance) I did not like the boys that were nice to me and didn't treat me badly, but I wasn't too interested and hung out with the boys as I loved to surf and rollerskate and had no interest in painting my nails or going shopping.
When it came time to date or meet the ones that were attracted to me, I treated them badly or avoided them like the plague....hehe

I just didn't feel right and that is one of the MAIN reasons that I left my kids father. HE WOULD NOT FIGHT WITH ME at all... he just told me to either calm down or how cute I was when I was mad.....oh that was just it! I had to get rid of him....

It seems like I was in the SAME relationship for over 20 years until I was brought to my knees with the LAST ONE.

I guess what kept me mostly alive through it all was my children. I was all they had and they were not going to end up all messed up like me and have to go to therapy etc.

SO they became my only breath and I did anything I could to make their lives as normal as possible....

N

Nancy, I am so glad you can relate to what Dianne is sharing. If you don't have her book, you should get it. There's so much more within the pages.

Dianne, I appreciated these words:

Society doesn't understand why a woman can not just pack up and go. But a woman is in the gretest danger when she leaves her abuser. He feels the loss of control over her life and usually gets more violent.

I have not been abused, but I certainly am the type to say, "What is wrong with that woman? Why doesn't she just pack her bags and get out?" I learned so much by reading your book. It definitely made me realize I was judgmental because I was ignorant when it came to this subject.

Nancy, it's really strange how it works but when you finally understand that love is gentle and kind, you will literally have people thrown into your life that feel the same way. Whether it's God's love or man's love, it all changes when your thinking does.

I remember when I told Dr. Bob that I liked a challenge in a man. He looked over his granny glasses at me and gave me that look, something I learned to dread. I had hit on something we were going to explore in depth. He explained to me that it wasn't challenge and wasn't the least bit healthy either.

Most of the unabused people in the world ask the same question because it seems so simple, when it isn't.

The victim is leaving more than just the man. She's leaving her home, many times, uprooting her children, leaving behind the dreams she had for a happy marriage. The dreams of growing old with someone. It's a very strong emotional longing.

There is a reason we have more animal shelters in America than shelters for battered women. The public doesn't see these women as helpless when they do see animals that way. But when she is rooted and living in confusion, she isn't able to think clearly. She is mentally helpless and also, often financially helpless as well.

Dotsie,
Dotsie-YES! I got Diannes book sent to me from my Guardian Angel...lol
(another person I met that showed me Diannes group!) It is definately not a mistake that I have met you all.
As soon as I found Diannes web site, I emailed her and we talked on the phone for awhile. I didnt say anything to her but I cried through most of the conversation as I was finally home. I mean I finally could talk about this openly and share with someone that didn't judge me and ask me why I did that for so long?... It is just amazing how people are put into peoples life, JUST AT THE VERY RIGHT moment!

I got Diannes book and read it in two days as I only read when I go to bed at 2 in the morning.

Mine wasn't not being able to live in my house as my house was always mine, they thought I was going to be their sugar momma as, after all, I was raising two kids, why couldn't I support them too, and give up what I worked so hard for.

OH it was society in my head telling me that I was wrong for not turning the other cheek, or if I didn't like it, I would just not talk to him or I would get him out of my life. LOL I even had neighbors calling the police complaining of the noise and yelling going on at my house and also sounded like construction was going on. (he would break things and hit my walls with baseball bats if I wasn't home..) He even busted up an antique couch and maple table, the table he busted in half and put it back together so when I came home and put my feet on the table it fell apart....oh geesh my good neighbors were so helpful and hated me living next to them.

It is like not being able to walk with your head up as you feel so ashamed.... I just couldn't figure it all out as I didnt do anything.?

Nancy

Anyway YES Diane.

Most battered women can't figure it out. It's a complex lifestyle but when "that" light finally goes on, it becomes simple. When I speak, I always tell the audience to never ask a woman why she stays because she doesn't know why herself!

There are so many battered women out there who need help. This is why I couldn't just write a book and not carry it further. This is why I'll go to another website and answer a question when asked to do so, to help a woman. I can't sit back in my current world and know that women and their children are being abused. I can't say that it stresses me or bothers me when I know what kind of life they are leading at that very moment while mine is happy. My spirit won't let me do that. Yes, there are times I get worn down and need to step away for a few days but it doesn't happen that often.

When I was being abused, I didn't know another woman who was going through the same thing. Like you, Nancy, I felt alone in the world. Who would understand? Who could understand? That's what keeps us trapped in shame. What would they think of me? That is what not only keeps us silent but silenced as well.

I want to mention that when I wrote my book, I didn't use my abuser's real name. It wasn't to protect him but I did it for several reasons. One, the book wasn't about him or exposing him. What purpose would that serve? It was for the victims of abuse. His real name was Hank. Also, his sister and her husband were so supportive and loving of me during that time and he was very high up in the Mormon church and I didn't want to cause them any problems. They wrote me long after I left him. I felt she had been through enough because of her brother. People already knew he was abusive. His friends found out without me ever saying a word.

Intention is very important when talking about being abused or writing about it. My intention was not to be published. I was going to write my story of recovery and put it in the local shelter for the women to read while there. Like I've discovered so many times, when we remove ourselves from the pain and hatred toward the abuser and use our experiences to help others, God and His Universe always step in and take over. It's amazing to watch!

WOW! that is exactly what I want to do too. That is why I didn't want to tell "my story", that was about pain and abuse but like with Diane, I would not want anyone to know who this guy really is as I feel the same way about forgiving as much as I can and move on. BUT I will tell what happened to me and it will be the truth as this is how we grow and others can relate to the realness of our stories...
These guys are basically from the same mold. Some are definately more far gone then others, but you can pretty much guess" what their next word is or their reasoning or that you are the one that will be blamed for it, no matter what..
For those of you that don't know, my "abuser" killed his own brother and only served 9 months in a low security facility that we called "Camp Snoopy". HE got to leave every day and go to his job or to staulk his then prey.
He killed his brother because his brother asked him to not be mean to his then girlfriend and told him that if he wasn't nice to her and treat her right, that he would.
He was ONLY 21 at the time, he killed his brother by getting physical with him (his brother did not die right away) When he left his brother to go to a bar, his brother was still alive on the couch. He went out awhile longer, went home, went to bed and woke up in the early morning for some reason and checked his brother and his brother was dead from a blow to the head. He called the police at that time and said that he thinks that he killed his brother.
I knew him way after all that and for 9 months this was the nicest, sweetest guy you would ever want to meet. Clean cut, short hair, dressed very nicely, very polite, a musician and an electrician and he loved hanging out with me and my boys. This wasn't all of a sudden, I mean when he first put his fist through my glass front door and came in my house yelling at me, calling me really bad names.
My first thought in my sick mind was that "HE REALLY LOVES ME" hehe no one EVER broke my door down over me before....oh my goodness, that started the ride of my life!
I never knew at the moment to get rid of him, I was so in shock and felt so close to him that I NEVER in my right mind would know how he got to be the way he was going to be too me......

I will do whatever I can to help others, even if it is one person. It is worth it to me, I have lost a lot of friends and have met alot in groups etc, they NEED someone to speak for them and Dianne You are truely and Angel. YOu are making a difference.......YOU have might quite a BIG difference in my life and I haven't even met you in person.
THANK YOU!
Nancy