Hi Dianne, I am sorry to hear that you are triggered by certain sights and sounds. However, you are so far into your healing that you know why, and what to do about it. You mentioned Hayden road to me before. Do you have to go there often in your various travels? I also thought it was interesting that Jane, a nurse, had the opportunity to personalize her presentation to social workers with your story, and by coincidence the director of my social work department had given me your book. It just goes to show that even in academia with all its stats and research, a true life story is needed. Also, as Dotsie pointed out, I like the way you re-defined pride from "what do others think" to how you could use pride to empower yourself. Dotsie, do you want to make an announcement in the announcement forum on Dianne's behalf that this is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and the NABBW expert, our very own Dianne, is the featured author with a memoir of abuse and recovery? That might bring more visitors here. Anno, I'm sorry to hear that you endured abuse.

It's me again. You can tell how passionate I am about bringing awareness to domestic violence. Dianne, I have to vent. Please bear with me. Tomorrow on the Tyra Banks show, she is going to have a panel of "pretty" women who had been abused. The tease question is: "Do you think you were abused because you were pretty?" I am shocked! Pretty has nothing to do with it. Domestic violence is about power and control, exploitation and intimidation. Why not a show with homely people and ask the question, "Do you think you were abused because you are homely?" I thought that as a society we came a little ways to realize DV has nothing to do with looks. Dianne, what do you think about this?

I think they chose pretty women because they would get more viewers that way. We should all email the show and complain about it and make her have a REAL show on abuse. But on the other hand, people don't believe that wealthy, intelligent or glamourous women are abused. They think they are on welfare with 10 children by 10 different men, driving a rusted-out, old car and are a dredge to society so if this helps educate the public, more power to them. Whatever works.

I stay away from Hayden Road when I visit. That was the street I drove down the first time he abused me and my life changed so drastically. It isn't a fond memory for me so I just avoid it. My triggers serve to keep me going and spread the word. I will use them to my advantage.

I avoided a spot in Minneapolis for years, because of the triggers. I also remember refusing to drive an important highway because of the emotions it brought back to me. One day I was late and could not avoid either the "spot" or the highway. I drove on the highway and the spot, and an anxious feeling spread through me. Actually, much more than an anxious feeling. Much, much more. But I got through it and I decided to not avoid this highway anymore.

I just came off that highway today and drove by the spot. I had no emotions what-so-ever. It has completely disappated. If it hadn't been for reading this, I would not have thought about it at all. Time is a healer.

My shaking the sand out of my sandles was very cleansing. I wrote my abusers name, his family members, my step children's names on a piece of paper and threw it over a bridge into the Mississippi. I watched it float away and said goodbye. It was very cathartic.

I've known women who have done the same thing and burned the paper and let the ashes float into the air. I think it's a great idea. One woman took all of her abuser's old love letters and burned them in the desert. Some just throw them in the trash and burn a white candle in the house they shared with him.

To some, it might sound ritualistic but I'm a believer in, if it works, do it! It's about us and healing.

I mention in my book that I took all the pictures of the abuser and I--together--and put them in a shoe box and was going to leave them at his doorstep but caught myself. It was nothing more than a mind game, trying to make him feel bad, something he was incapable of feeling. Instead, I threw them in the dumpster. Today, I don't have one single picture of him. But, I did go to a resort in Scottsdale and while they were checking me in at the front desk, I was looking at the pictures of their exercise room and spa and there he was! He was a model.

At first, I was shocked and then, I started laughing! His only exercise was lifting his arm up to smoke pot!

Anno, you mention stepchildren. You were probably the best thing that ever happened to them. I'm surprised they haven't hunted you down.

I know a woman who married an abusive man with young children. This woman only stayed married to this guy for about a year before she ducked out. About 20 years later, one of his children tracked her down and shared how much she had loved the woman. She said she was the only positive female influence she had ever had in her life. Sad, huh?

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I was sickened by what the minister said to you. I can't believe he led you to believe it was your fault, you needed to pray more, possibly fast and become more humble and submissive. Then for him to pray with you and ask God to change YOUR heart and YOUR ways made me want to throw up.

How did you get beyond that because I know you are a faithful woman and I feel the church did you a tremendous disservice. I can only guess that you realized he was one human being who THOUGHT he was representing God. In my opinion, he was totally misrepresenting God.

I know a woman who had a total sex change. She came into his world as a male and is now a total female. I knew her for about a year before reading her book. She shared a similar experience about when she went to a minister for guidance. He basically told her to be the man God intended her to be, but was so degrading in his choice of words. It surprised me that she didn't run as far as she could from the church. Instead, she remained faithful and remains so to this day.

I was held captive to false beliefs most of my life. If I came against my husband, I was coming against God. I would suffer for it, not him. It's a huge guilt trip to keep women pregnant and barefoot, while being abused.

My first session with Dr. Bob, I set my own rules. Don't ever come against my beliefs or faith. He told me he would never do that and if I felt he was, to tell him. But, my beliefs (false) began to change on their own during my sessions without him ever saying a word about it. To allow yourself to be abused (we allow it by staying) is not holy ground. It's unholy! It's a sad representation of God's love and what He wants for us.

When this minister told me this, I wasn't in shape to discount his words. I felt like I was in shock at this time. My new husband of one month had beat me to the point I should have been in the hospital. My soul and spirit were troubled, sick, sad, disappointed, scared and didn't know what to do or what to believe. There is that word again: confused.

I was also told that I had a "umbrella" covering that God gave me to protect me but when my husband didn't do God's will, it created holes in my umbrella and I would be the victim of acid rain that would leak onto me because of my husband's actions. I actually belived it! So, my efforts were directed to get him to be a better and holier man so I wouldn't get the acid rain. Can you believe it? I have trouble believing it myself today.

I kept my faith because I finally realized it wasn't any power making my husband abusive...it was a decision on his part. But, it has kept me from being a regular church attender. I am more of a spiritual woman today and it isn't based on rules and false doctrine. It's based on love and acceptance. God won't punish me for another's actions!!!

Dianne, I continue to be amazed and in awe of your faith...throughout the book and now. Your spiritual journey is beautiful to witness. The way you hung on to God even with false beliefs is amazing. I

I wish you could find a church home where you could be comfortable. You belong in a community of believers. You have so much to offer. You are so honest and real. The church needs people like you. Do you realize that?

oops, I just read this again and I hope you don't think I'm preaching. I don't mean to. I'm just speaking the truth!

Dots, it wouldn't do any good if you were preaching, which you weren't, because it would fall on deaf ears.

I did attend a church in Nashville that I loved. I just refuse to go to a church where someone stands at a podium telling me what to do when they don't live it themselves. I've had so many horrible experiences in a church that I could write an entire chapter on it.

This is why I lean toward spiritual rather than church. I have become stronger that way. So many churches abuse their congregations. It makes me so sad to watch it happen.