You suffered from this as well, Chatty? How horrible. It's just such a cruel way to treat someone, don't you agree? Premeditated torture!

Who did this to you, Chatty?

JJ, could you explain more about how this was used against you? Was it like my mother or another way?

I want to encourage all of you to go to Our Voices and read Dee's story. It will touch your heart and let you know that there is always hope when the world seems the darkest.

I have always found that the emotional aspects of abuse are much harder to overcome than the physical ones. I have a few physical scars from abuse, but the emotional scars still hang with me in such strange ways.

I have nothing to compare my emotional abuse to as luckily no one ever hit me. My third husband the one married after being single/widowed for the second time, after 14 years alone. He married me to get away from his terrible (unknown to me) life in Northern Minnesota, he took advantage of me in everyway, said all the right things, like no sex before marriage because he had too much respect for me. I thought that was wonderful. Once married, his name on my home and bank account, credit cards etc. and having managed to chase away most of my friends, he kept me near him always. He would threaten to leave, threaten to have me put in jail, saying I was trying to kill him. He was nuts, had been institutionalized years earlier. It was a horrible, debilitating experience. I began to feel helpless, didn't want my son involved so said nothing. Oh and the no sex before marriage, turns out he couldn't if he wanted to, we never did, NEVER! There is so much more to this story that left me a near recluse, too nervous to leave the house. I still have problems and it isn't over yet even though I managed to trick him into a divorce in 2001 (after 6 years of hell). My story would never be believed if written as a book, it is stranger than any fiction I ever read. Mine was all mental abuse but it became physical in the way it changed me from a fun loving wild lady to a near hermit afraid someone might find out what an old fool I'd been.

It sounds like he also abused you financially as well. There are a ton of guys out there, just like him.

Anno, the emotional abuse is really difficult to get rid of. It stays in the back of your mind for a long time. I had to really work on myself and understand what was said to me was designed to bring me down by a man who knew much less than I did. It's very targeted too. These men are very sly.

Here's a snippet...My abuse came in the form of complete silence. When we were dating, it was different (dated five years)but about 6 years into the marriage , he lost his voice. Something. He would never speak to me unless I addressed him. He never asked me anything about my job, my family, nothing. When we road in the car together to go somewhere, whether it was vacation or to the grocery store, he never spoke. He would turn on the radio, and then turn it down so slow you would have to hold your ear next to the radio to hear it AT ALL. Some sort of punishment, I suppose.

We built a rather big house. When we did, we built him a workshop that was 1700 sq ft. He would come in from work, go to the workshop, and stay out there until bedtime. Every single day. Then he would come in, say good-night and go to bed. If I tried to start a conversation he would give me "yes" or "no" as an answer. Now he was always polite, never raised his voice, but he just didn't have anything to say.

I lost a bunch of weight one time and his comment was, "I liked you better fat."

I would try and make the effort. I would go out to the workshop and hang around trying to make conversation. Again, yes, or no. No other comments. If I asked him to take me out to eat the answer was, "not tonight." The weekend, same thing.

Finally, after 10 years of it, I asked him one night to go out and eat and he said, "Don't you have any friends? Can't you get one of your friends to go with you? I don't want to go. Period." That was the straw that broke the camels back. I turned around, left, and the next week, got a lawyer.

He married our neighbor when the waiting time was up. Gee...I wonder....

JJ

I'm delving more and more into the forums as I make my way back more and more to my friends here at BWS. I'm touched by so many women who want to open up their lives and show and express their pain from the past or perhaps the present. I'm so glad I came back and as time goes by I want to read more and more about everyone's cross they've had to or are carrying. To anyone who is truly giving up and feel you're so far down and there's no way up I'm here to tell you there's always hope, always another place to go, and somehow, someway a direction to find hope and start again. Dianne, thank you for the reference to 'One Tiny Strand of Hope' in 'Our Voices'. I've been so touched by the response by women who have read the piece and their reactions when they realize it's true. Please, please never give up no matter how bad things get. There's always a reason to keep going...maybe not in the same direction, but in a direction you've never considered before...perhaps kept back by fear or intimidation or uncertainty. These are little fears that can be overcome with a will to live and believe. I hope your Book continues to be a huge success and I'm going to buy it as soon as I can get it ordered.
Bless you all, those who hurt, those who have lived past the pain to find hope and renewal of life. Keep your stories coming so the rest of us will find something in them to cling to and be inspired by.
Thank you, Dianne. I look forward to reading your labour of love.

Thank you all for sharing your histories here. I hadn't realized how much I had felt like I was all alone until I started reading your responses. I have spent so much time making my son's life better after my divorce that I guess I haven't dealt with how much the emotional abuse I experience really impacted me.

I feel like I have come a long way since those day when we had to walk on eggshells to avoid ticking off my ex - but reading your responses brought it all back. That's not bad - because it made me realize how lucky we all are to not be in those relationships.

Thank you for sharing those memories of the tough times with the rest of us. I think as women who have gone though it as well as women who have not, we can all learn from the stories of others.

Bless you all!
Donna

JJ it's so hard to imagine you with a "silent" man. Your right, that is as abusive as verbal abuse.
This entire Post is a book within itself worth publishing. I'm sure it helps so many women out there.
My heart is with you all.