Dianne,
THANK YOU for being here. Your knowledge is shared so freely and love flows from you. I'm so grateful to call you friend.

After I read your book (in three days?) I sat and pondered a lot of different chapters and some specific things I had underlined. I think I finally came to realize that the first time a woman is abused by this person who has promised to love her till death do they part, she is in shock. I don't think I realized that this shock doesn't necessarily leave or go away either. Would you say that's a true statement?

I put myself in your shoes and I KNEW I would be totally shocked. I just don't know how you recover from that state of mind.

Again, thank you. JJ

Nancy, thank you for the kind words. I don't feel like any thing close to an angel. I'm keeping a promise to God for keeping me alive. I love what I do but my life isn't perfect. That's one problem with writing a self-help book. People think you should have all the answers and not have any problems, which isn't true. The only way we can continue to grow is to experience life lessons and most of mine aren't that pleasant. I could stand to learn something new every single day!

Being healed before sharing a lot or writing is important. Not only because it can cause emotional upsets but we have to formulate why we did what we did and have the answers. Self-help books must have an ending. I've read quite a few that didn't and the authors even dedicated their book to the abuser, usually their abusive fathers. I don't get it.

I will never have all the answers but I try to work with the knowledge that I have. I'll always be honest and often blunt but battered women live on excuses. That's the only way they can not have to change their lives. It's hard!

As a woman, I learned quickly to tell my two girlfriends that knew of the abuse, that the reason I stayed was because I loved him. This wasn't true but being women, they would back off and think...well, love will win out then! I just wasn't ready to leave and didn't even know why I stayed so I found that it was the fastest way to make them stop asking me questions. I had no real answers! I stayed with him a year while going to intense therapy, searching for the answers. Heck, I didn't even know what the questions were!

Wow JJ. I've really had to think about your question. I've gone back in time and tried to remember. I'll answer this as well as I can but I might have more thoughts on it later.

The first time he beat me, I was scared more than anything. That, and trying to think clearly so I could escape without him starting in again. I felt like I was in shock as I drove over to my girlfriend's apartment. That was one of my life's worst moments. I was suddenly thrown into a world I didn't recognize and I didn't know how to survive within it. I felt like a freak. No doubt, the shame had already kicked in.

I felt disbelief that night at my girlfriends. I was looking for reasons. I just didn't understand why he beat me. I didn't sleep very well, thinking over and over in my mind what in the world I had done to cause it. I felt embarrassed and humiliated too.

By the next morning, my mind had shifted. I didn't know what I was going to do, didn't have a clue in the world but I drug myself to work like I did every single day. That's when he walked into my store.

I feel that the shock left after the first day. You have to realize that my dad had always treated me badly so to be called horrible names and to be hit, was nothing new to me. I just went into the frame of mind that it was my fault, I caused it and I would change. So, it wasn't shock but a very severe case of survival and denial.

I was always afraid of him after that and for good reason.

Dianne,

I so appreciate your honesty and openess, I know that isn't easy to do. I remember what you said about living a good life is the best revenge. That is so powerful and I am so happy to see you doing just that!

Oh, that I am, Jane! I'm sure it would irritate Hank if he knew it too. If he's still alive. I don't know anything about him and don't really care either.

Really, it doesn't bother me to share. I'm not upset by it at all. I didn't like writing about the abuse in my book but that's because it bored me to tears. I had moved so far beyond that it was almost like writing about another person and in a way it was. I had really changed and healed by then.

If any of you want to ask me about writing or publishing, I'd be glad to explore that topic with you along with my book and experiences.

Dianne,
Okay, Where should I start? from now or then?
Should I share some of the bad stuff and then what I did to make it better? Should I write it free hand and publish that way? or type it all?
Ummm, there are a lot of questions?
When I wrote the play and the music videos, I thought of one part in my life and wrote it one scene at a time?

I am like you, bored with all of the "things that I went through" I feel like it was another lifetime as you as my life is sooooo different now...

I guess I will have more questions for you when I am further in this process.

THanks,
Nancy

This is what I did:

I sat down and wrote my entire story. Then, I tossed it and started again. While writing it the first time, I got more of an idea of the formatting I wanted and how I wanted the storyline to unfold.

I didn't waste a lot of time writing about how I met him and how nice he was because it was all a facade but the editor of my publisher made me put something in about it just for the reader to know.

Every manuscript has to be typed. To keep my creativity flowing, I didn't go back and self-edit but just pounded on the keyboard day after day. Self-editing stops the flow of a story because you get stalled going back and changing it.

Think of your reading audience. What do you want them to know that might validate them so they know they aren't alone. Sadly, you have to go back into the abuse to do this. Then, give them the answers that you found to escape. This give the reader hope for a better life but they need some kind of guide. As you know, these poor women are lost and confused and feel hopeless. Ask them questions. Like in chapter 22 of my book, I wrote every single excuse I had heard and used myself, to stay in the marriage so I had to lay them out to show there is no validity in them. Break through the fog of false thinking and hopes.

Most writers first do an outline of their chapters. I do everything backward so wrote my story and then, titled the chapters. It's up to you how you do it. We're all different.

This is what makes a writer a writer: Sitting down at that keyboard and just writing. At least one hour a day and no less. A time when you won't be disturbed and you can turn off the telephone. I always sat down and prayed before I started writing that only the truth would come out with no excuses or the ego entering in to try and make myself look better. I made stupid decisions and had to write them out for the world to see. As one reviewer wrote: It boggles the mind what goes on in the mind of battered women. Yes, it does so we must bring some clarity to those who are stuck in this cycle.

Hope this helps!

Dianne, thanks for offering to help with the writing/publishing topic too. I'd love to know how you got a publisher? Did/do you have an agent? And, what are you writing now?

I found it interesting that it wasn't the abuse that made you go to counseling, rather the phone call from your mom. Want to share anything about that?

Also, you mentioned that you stopped talking with your two girlfriends about the abuse. I bet that happens all the time. People don't want to be a burden to others, nor do we want them to think we aren't strong enough to do what needs to be done. I bet lots of women can relate to that.

Hi Dianne,
I wanted to thank you for sharing your story. You are an amazing woman. Just wanted to tell you that!

YES! Dianne, What are you writing now?.... good question...lol

Nancy