I just had a big dose of reality this weekend. My mom was visiting my city and she passed out at the theater and was taken to a hospital. Nothing was really wrong, but she was having some medication issues. The BIG realization for me was she is having significant memory problems.

I have decided to step up and help my mom and dad through this by being an advocate for her while she visits her doctor. She loves her doctor, a general practioner, but I want her to see a geriatric specialist and a nureopsychologist. My mom and dad said I certainly could go with, but I don't want to take away their power either.

Any suggestions, thoughts, etc?

Thanks. Ann

Hi, Ann: I do not think that it would be out of place for you to suggest further medical consultation for your Mom if you think and feel it is necessary to do so. You worry about your Mom and that is understandable. As you've stated, both parents seem to agree with your concern which is already a good start. It would have been a more difficult position to work along with if they did not. As long as you keep them involved and you consult with them all the way throughout the processes and for so long as they agree, I don't think you would be disenfranchising them of their autonomy to make decisions over their health, life etc. I pray that all will be well with your Mom and that nothing more than an adjustment of medication would be called for.

Bravo! Being proactive NOW will save you from having to step in later (possibly) and make sense of a situation. Not only that, if your Mom is having memory problems, she might not hear or decipher the message coming from the doctor, and may get things mixed up. This is very common because doctors rush people, and let's face it, our parents are at the age where they can't digest it all in the 3-minute visit allocated for each patient. Especially something that might be life-altering.

Also, please remember that even though your Mom is having memory problems, and even though she passed out, the diagnosis could be something as simple as low B12, low iron, thyroid, or some other option. I think people have the tendency to think Alz the minute they sense something is wrong. Only a qualified doctor like a neruo or specialist can tell you for sure. General practioners just are not qualified!

I applaud you for caring so much to do this for them, and I agree that you have half the battle won since they are willing for you to accompany them. Two heads, or three ARE better than one. The emotional detachment that you will be able to give, will be invaluable to them. Can you tell I am passionate about this subject?

Also, just so you don't misunderstand me. I am NOT saying you are not emotional about this, I'm just saying that when you are sitting there listening to a doctor explain things, it's easier for you, or someone else, to grasp the situation simply because it ISN'T YOU.

I'll make one other suggestion. Go to the dollar store and buy a $1.00 journal. Start keeping records of things that happen (like the fainting) and date them. You may never need the records, but if you do, you will be so glad you did. It will hep the doc's in assigning meds and measuring levels or phases of dementia IF it turns out this is part of the problem. Keep us posted, won't you? And good luck with Mom. Bless her!

JJ

Thank you Lola. I will be sure to remember to keep them involved in the entire process. I will discuss with them the choices they have and let them make the final decision.

Jawjaw, I will remain emotionally detached. I am hoping that I can use my life coaching skills to keep me focused on what they want. Thanks also for the words of encouragement. Your passion for this topic comes through loud and clear.

Thank you both for your support and taking the time to guide me. This is new territory for me.

Ann

Ann, I know how you must feel. We are in a similar position with my Mom as well. My brother and I take her for her Dr. app'ts. She has had a couple of falls recently, nothing life threatening but she loses her balance now and then. She has some part-time nurses aides coming in a couple of days a week, but we are sure that will increase soon. Nevertheless, J.J. is right, pick up a notebook. I have had one that I keep with me at all times. I bought it a year ago and write EVERYTHING down. All Dr. app'ts, results, medication problems, Aides comments, insurance info, absolutely everything. It has been such a help, it was worth the trip to Staples! Good luck, this is a difficult time for many boomers in the sandwich generation.

Anno,
I agree with JJ, a journal of your parent's medical issues would be a great help in putting together symptoms for an accurate diagnosis.

I think it's almost always wise for someone to go along on doctor visits. Missing instructions from a doctor is not limited to the elderly. It happens to us all. Especially if we are emotional about the visit to begin with. Highly charged emotions affect memory. The issues of health are more emotional as we age and become more physically fragile.

Also, adverse reactions to medications increase with age. Side effects that might previously have presented no problem can become overwhelming and medication interactions are also more common. I google everything and I'm constantly surprised to discover that the side effects are often worse than the condidtion being treated. If more than one physician is prescribing, the possibility of over dosing and drug interaction is increased.

Almost all elders take medication for high blood pressure and the side effects such as dizziness and depression can be hazardous. Blood pressure normally increases with age and the pharmaceutical industry has succeeded in decreasing the accepted 'normal' so almost anyone over sixty is on medication. Recent research has shown that lowering blood pressure does not decrease the likelihood of heart attack and stroke so the drugs may not be worth the risks.

I guess we must constantly monitor our parent's health as they (and we) age. Sounds like you are on the right track.

smile

Anno, I'm in the same boat with youright now and feel like I'm paddling up stream. You have my compassion.

I love the journal idea and hadn't thought of that. Got to get one today.

Might I also suggest taking the journal in the doctor's office so you can jot notes as he speaks. We did that when Mom had cancer. There are five kids - plus my dad and whoever went to the doctors with her took notes. It was so helpful because when upset, we do tend to forget. It was also great to go back and see that two months earlier when doing the same thing, she had the same reaction.

If you are dealing with memory issues, you must read The 36 Hour Day. I'm almost finished and I've picked uplots of ittle pointers throughout. I highly recommend it. It's been referred to as the Bible for dementia/alzheimers.

NABBW is doing a great teleseminar on this September 26th. Barb Friesner will speak about the generational differences and how to break the barriers when caring for our aging parents. I hope all of you will listen in. If you're not a member of the NABBW, you might want to join just to have access to the teleseminars.

Thank you, all, for your support. I already have the notebook and will give one to my father, also. Actually, now that I think of it, I will give one the my mother also! Keep her empowered.

Thanks for the book referral, Dotsie. I will pick up a copy on my next bookstore visit. I am hoping that the teleseminar will be taped on available online, since I am busy at that time.

I find great comfort here - knowing that I have the wisdom of many girlfriends who have gone through, or are going through, the same family issues as me. Thanks for being part of my support system.

Ann

Back in '99, I was in the process of relocating to another state. Since losing my only sibling in '90, it was obvious that I had to sit down with my parents and make plans for the future. I insisted that they get the legal stuff in order - power of attorney, medical power of attorney - first and foremost.

Dad had a heart attack about a year after I moved. Mother was in the early stages of alzheimer's. Caring long distance consumed my life for the next 5 years. Dotsie, the book you refered to is excellent. I also recommend working with the local Counsel on Aging. They are a great source of information about what is available in your county.

Initially, we hired someone to "clean" once a week. She actually was a trained nurse assistant - and did some cleaning as a side job. She could keep an eye on what was going on - little changes in thier habits, etc. I also worked closely with their doctor. I would call him prior to their office visits and let him know my concerns. He would follow up with a call back if necessary. I know there are privacy issues and some doctors won't reveal any information to anyone, but thankfully, this one did. I was very grateful for that.

Eventually, as their health deteriorated (alzheimer's, breast cancer, stroke) we had to have 24 hour care. We moved back home and for the last 2 years of their lives, it was one challenge after another. Our caregivers did keep an journal - which was actually for the caregivers to track what happened throughout the day. But, it was also a great tool to take along for doctor visits because they were so detailed - blood pressure readings, medications, diet, etc. Right down to bathing, sleeping and mood changes.

It's a job that I never asked for - but if you love your parents - you're there for them as they were for you. Dad passed in March '05 and Mother followed in August. Her alzheimer's was a blessing in that she never knew that the love of her life was gone. I do believe that she knew at some level (she cried a lot) - they would have been married 67 years if they had both lived until August.

I swore that I would write a book when it was over - just because you feel so lost while you're in the midst of it all. It is truly all consuming.

browser, so you picked up and moved to their home town to be with them their last two years? Now that's dedication. Did you have any children living at home?

Ann, the teleseminars are always available to NABBW members on the members only page at www.nabbw.com.