Oh my. I just read that quote not a few months ago. It got me started in my quest to bring some of these issues out of limbo and work them into concrete solutions. I'm still so damned back and forth on the book (a very recent developmental idea) but that quote had reminded me of the control I have over my own destiny. It may even have been the catalyst that led to me to the idea of a book.

Since reading that quote, I've unmeshed many things about myself from him. I don't ask him along to go places with my daughter anymore. He resents not being asked but most often says "no." This bothers my daughter and really bothered the older two when they were still at home. I see no reason to ask, then. So, that and a few other things have changed, things that have helped me to feel freer and less tangled up in his issues.

While I think a marriage must include companionship, friendship, trust and communication, these are the very things from which I have to unweave myself so that his toxic touch doesn't continue to ruin my every experience.

I'm not in any danger. The man doesn't hit or even yell. I have often thought it disturbing just how calm and cool he is (rather, appears to be) no matter the circumstance. This, too, played havoc in counseling. He's not just quiet, he's alarmingly still. I, on the other hand, am animated, talk with my hands, sit forward in my chair or even get out of my chair to demonstrate how someone or myself did something.

The passive-aggressive book I read said this kind of man could drive the most rational woman on the planet to a fit of rage. I'm not the most rational woman on the planet, so you can imagine the effect this has had on me. Still, it's within my control and I'm learning, slowly but surely, how to untangle myself and allow myself a clearer picture of what I need and how to meet those needs in a way that's healthiest for me.