Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. This means a great deal to me.

My options are aplenty -- the complexity of which mirrors the options I have with regard to this marriage. Sigh.
I know this much: since entertaining the idea of getting it all out there, I've felt this overwhelming need for air and at the same time an excitement I've not felt in a good long while. I could easily scream with glee and frustration at the same time, most of the time. Am I ready? Am I not ready? Is the world ready?

Ms Jaw Jaw, the problem with the counselors is my husband's passive-aggressiveness. They will say they know all about it, but then I watch as, one by one, they are charmed out of their chairs. It's an issue of visibility. He hides behind vague, indirect answers and statements. I am direct, open and honest. The counselors deal with what they have, what they see and what they hear. They don't seem to recognize when someone is hiding or hiding behind. This has them dealing with me -- the visible one.

Every attempt I've made to share things about him that he won't share is met with a kind of "you're tattling" attitude. The man is elusive, sick and in dire need of help. There's nothing more I can or will do for him. It costs me too much, mostly interfering with the relationships I have with my older children and the child I still have at home. I did even attempt several times to stay quiet in counseling to afford him the opportunity to speak without interference of any kind from me. He said nothing. Literally, he sat there and said nothing. When they insisted he respond, he did so monosyllabically and they turned to me for details every single time. Twice we were told to go home since neither of us were willing to speak. The other times resulted in the same mess: it's all my fault and he's just the way he is (even though they didn't hear anything from him about the way he is).

Because we move every three to five years with a limited provider list, we've never been able to find and establish a connection with a viable counselor. Too, my husband refused to see a male counselor until recently (last year). Only because there were only male providers on the list and my bags were packed did my husband concede. That counselor said he was fine and that I should just accept who he is. There was no fine for me or any him accepting who I am. I left counseling that day for the last time and kicked him out. We've been separated since.

Diana