Dear All,

I'm looking for advice on a delicate matter with regard to a particular topic of writing.

One of the social workers here on base who is familiar with my marital situation gave me the name of a friend of hers whom she said was a literary agent. She said her friend might be interested in publishing my journal entries about living in a sexless marriage. I did contact her friend and realized she was a hack when she asked for $1,000 up front -- before reading a word. I didn't sign on with her.

It did get me to thinking, though, perhaps I could get the journal entries published in book form. I'm hesitant for two reasons.

First there is the matter of anonymity. I would not submit my children to the kind of attention such a book would bring. The two oldest are in college. Additionally, and just as importantly, my husband would suffer untold humilitation professionally and personally if anyone he knew were to get wind of what is (or rather, what isn't) going on in our home. My own suffering aside for a moment, punishing him is not my goal. My goal is to share with those women who may or may not know they aren't the only ones living in a sexless marriage in a society that thinks only wives end up this way. If my journal entries were to be published, the book would have to published under a pseudonym. I'm no Stephen King (Richard Bachman) and I have no idea how the literary world would respond to such a request.

Second, there is the issue of need. I can find no books similar to the one I would be submitting. There are a number of advice books about sexless marriages but almost all of them address the sexless wife and no book I've found speaks exclusively of the experience as a wife whose husband is sexless. I find rereading my journals to be illuminating and inspiring. It helps me to track where I've been and gives me a better idea of where I am (further along) and where I'm headed (better places). I wonder if others in the same situation might also be aided by it. Because I can find nothing similar on the market, I have to wonder if it's because there's a niche to fill or if it means the need isn't great enough to warrant a book on the topic.

I have enclosed (following this message) an excerpt from my journal to give you some idea of my approach. If you would be so kind, could you share your thoughts? Do you think there is a need? If so, is anonymity the way to go?

I appreciate your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Diana

***



I have listened to him many times. When we are alone, he speaks with a voice very different from the one he uses with others. This voice, his voice, is dark and angry. I've heard him say it doesn't matter that I love him. I've heard him say he had sex when he didn't want to. These are not the kinds of things he says in counseling so the counselors don't hear it. There, he speaks in circles -- blaming others for his unhappiness, specifically blaming me, but he'll readily blame others as it suits him, even inanimate objects and situations.

Asked numerous times what he wants, he skirts the question, changes the subject and fiddles with a nearby knick-knack while lamenting what lazy and irresponsible teenagers we have; this, despite their part time jobs and full time class loads since both were 16-years-old. He tells the counselors I need to cut the cord. They suggest I learn to separate myself from my children; perhaps he doesn't feel like there is room for him in my life. I tell them the children are 20 and 21 years old. They live, work and attend university in a different country and have for some time now. I suggest this would not be allowed by a woman who couldn't separate herself from her children. He never answers the question of what he wants, but does say he doesn't get what he wants. The counselor asks me what I'm willing to do. What does he want, I ask. She says, Weren't you listening to him?

Once again we never quite get around to the crux of the matter, that he doesn't touch anyone and he doesn't want to be touched. Not by me and not by the children who stood at the airport with tear-brimmed eyes after he recoiled from their hugs goodbye some two years ago. He would later say he must've misunderstood; he thought they were crying "because the free ride was over."

I tell them things he's said, things he's done. He denies them, then defends them. When he has trouble verbalizing himself or stares out the window in response to questions that contain feeling words, they turn to me.

I didn't realize I was being placed in a position of authority by them and competition by him until a great deal of damage had been done to both of us by each other. I thought I was being responsible, caring, giving, sharing of the chores and duties. I didn't see a scoreboard. I didn't know that what he needed was the very thing he feared most and that I would not only be caught in that conflict, I would, in his eyes, become the conflict. I thought we were interdependent. I didn't know I was a rival. I thought we were partners. Had I known and understood what was going on, I could have stopped my part in it. When I did realize it I did stop. I refused his relentless bids to put back me in that role. He has chosen to spin this into my having rejected him. The irony is nauseating.

The counselors say, "He is scared. Give again. Teach him not to be afraid." I cannot give, yet again, to what I consider a human garbage disposal. He may well be starving and he may well fear both his hunger and the food, but even the deepest understanding of his condition doesn't mean I should put myself in harm's way again.

Wow. This is very good. I can feel your pain, hear your confusion, see the frustration with the counselors who only serve to keep the mess spinning without resolution. I too lived in a sexless marriage for nearly 20 years--it appears the reason was different, but you manage to capture in your words many of the same feelings I had.

Question: Do you ever think you might leave him? If so save this until you go, that way you aren't setting up another conflict with him.

Or, write under another name, set up a seperate bank account for any windfall. Interviews with the author would be difficult this way.

Or, hire a ghostwriter to do the work, have book published under ghostwriter's name and set up a seperate account for any windfall. Interviews could be done by the ghostwriter continuing to keep you anonymous.

Or, give diary to a therapist/writer who could publish it anonymously for you as a research type piece, then set up a seperate account for any windfall. This might be the best way as a doctor would be bound by law not to reveal your identity.

Or...don't write your journal entries in that form. Create a heroine and have her story be the struggles of living in this type of marriage, have her write the hournal entries as a part of the story line, create a conflict, show her struggling to be happy, etc. As a cretive story the outside world wouldn't be aware of where your idea came from....

But....there is something very healing in writing and seeing your words on paper. Writing a book of your journals would be very freeing....having it written anonymously might continue to keep you imprisoned in a way. Since your children are grown, what are your long term thoughts, plans with this man? What are his long term plans regarding you and your marriage? Have you sat and talked to your children about this? Children tend to know lots more than we think they do and they probably are already fully aware of this problem--you may not be shielding them at all.

Anybody else have any ideas for Diana?

Diana, your writing is very good, it certainly drew me in, allowed me to taste your pain along with a weary resignation but also a hint of strength and determination to find your way out of this. Your writing makes me hungry to know more, especially to find out how the writer finds her way out of this limbo into her own life.

As far as suggestions regarding publishing, I don't know what to add to Starting Over. I agree with her opinion that writing under a different name may not be the best solution - you will always want to "own" this story because it's yours, but you won't have the freedom to own it unless it's under your own name.

The idea of writing it as a novel and ascribing all of this to your heroine might work really well...your writing is so good that you would probably be able to transfer yourself into your heroine and thereby still own the history and the story AND enjoy the freedom that comes by telling the story.

Maybe another place to go to ask would be to your children. Ask them. They're old enough to see your truth. Like SO says, they're not blind, they probably already know a lot more than you think they do. They might surprise you with encouragement to "go for it" - or at worst, they might recoil, in which case you'll know better what direction to NOT go in.

Whatever you decide, I think that your writing is too good to hide.

I'm with Eagle Heart. I'd turn this into a work of fiction. Write from your heart, give your heroine all the passion and strength that you have and let your feelings flow free under the guise of fiction.

You've already received excellent advice. I'd go with the fiction idea, too. That way, you can explore feelings all you want through your characters.

Thank you so much ladies! I hadn't thought about the fiction angle. That would give me a lot more wiggle room. The bank account idea, also good. Such great feedback, thank you.

The older two know. They asked one night after my husband had left -- furious that I had hired someone to fix something instead of waiting for him to do it. I did wait several weeks. He took his tools with him, convinced I would let someone else touch them. The kids had already been turned away from him before when they would try to hug him. That he was so protective of his tools but wanted so little to do with us was not lost on them.
My daughter had suggested in the form of a question that if he was like that around people, what then must he be like in private.

I'm going to mull over these ideas, see what crops up.

Thank you again everyone.
Diana

Hello Diana and all, obviously this is not about sex but about his inability to be touched in any form of human contact, and even what is HIS. Diana, u did the right thing by running from the "agent" asking for up front money! Many writers here have used memoir to tell sensitive stories, using real names as well. I've recently been revealed by/to long-lost relatives who came out of the woodwork, much as I dreaded. I regretted not using a pseudonym. However, I then remembered why I did NOT use a fake name: I wrote about childhood sexual abuse and domestic violence. I did not want others who have suffered the same to think that they had to hide in shame. I don't want to hide from my own self; I wanted to OWN my story and my past; I want to be proud of how I handled my present. Consider that, Diana: it sounds like a sexless marriage is not something to be ashamed of but something to be shared and understood so that others know they are not alone. I'm not a fan of publishing journals par se, (I've seen poor results with no plot structure or character development) but rather I prefer developing journals into fiction stories, or memoirs which tell a story as long as the elements of creative writing are followed. If you have a head for fiction, go for it. My story worked as a "true survivor" but I bet yours would work very, very well as fiction, if you see fit. That is for you to decide as you write, write, write. I tried to turn my book into fiction while I was writing, but my authentic heart & writing soul would not let me at that time. Now, I think I would know how. Then, I did not. As a writer, you have all these creative choices! Oh, as for the need for stories re: sexless marriages, yes, there is a need, considering all the on-line support groups and talk shows regarding the topic. Much luck, Lynn

Diana:

Any publisher wants to know how you will promote your book. You could use another name but your face would still be on tv if interviewed. So, you would have to know how you would promote it. Radio interviews would work but I've never found these interviews to be helpful in sales.

I think your writing is wonderful and captivating and I also feel there is a need for it. So, as the others have said, maybe fiction. I certainly wouldn't give up on this project.

I'm sorry you live like this. It must be very painful for you.

Diana,
Whew! Your writing is excellent and first-class. I mean that. As someone said, it makes one want to beg for more.

First, I hope this isn't your real name as these forums can be read by ANYBODY. No secrets. This is a public forum. I felt I needed to say that. We never know if someone feels threatened by their domestic situation, so I just wanted you to know.

Secondly, I can't see that fiction is going to solve anything as far as identity for you. Are you saying that no one, absolutely no one in your circle of friends, family, or acquaintances would KNOW from reading a work of fiction that the characters were really you and your hubby? I doubt it. As you stated, the kids already have some inkling. And what about when hubby finds out you've written a fiction novel and he reads it. Would he sue you? Divorce you? Beat you?

Writing under a pen name gives you a little bit of a veil, but you still have to consider marketing as Dianne has stated. What if the book is a best-seller? #1 on Amazon. Oprah? Trust me, they will want to delve into YOU the writer.

And a couple of things for last. I'm reading all of this and it makes me distraught that a counselor would make this all your fault. Me thinks I would be checking into another one. Finally, you are very smart to turn away from such a dishonest publisher! Good for you!

I see your problem here and really feel for you, but if you are wanting this in a book form for the public, you're going to have to make a decision on WHO (going public, fiction or otherwise/pen name/ghostwriter/therapist<as suggested>) get's credit for it. I hope it's YOU.

JJ

I'm with JJ on the pen name but that would create a marketing issue. I think you need to write and publish this book. Good luck in making your decision.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. This means a great deal to me.

My options are aplenty -- the complexity of which mirrors the options I have with regard to this marriage. Sigh.
I know this much: since entertaining the idea of getting it all out there, I've felt this overwhelming need for air and at the same time an excitement I've not felt in a good long while. I could easily scream with glee and frustration at the same time, most of the time. Am I ready? Am I not ready? Is the world ready?

Ms Jaw Jaw, the problem with the counselors is my husband's passive-aggressiveness. They will say they know all about it, but then I watch as, one by one, they are charmed out of their chairs. It's an issue of visibility. He hides behind vague, indirect answers and statements. I am direct, open and honest. The counselors deal with what they have, what they see and what they hear. They don't seem to recognize when someone is hiding or hiding behind. This has them dealing with me -- the visible one.

Every attempt I've made to share things about him that he won't share is met with a kind of "you're tattling" attitude. The man is elusive, sick and in dire need of help. There's nothing more I can or will do for him. It costs me too much, mostly interfering with the relationships I have with my older children and the child I still have at home. I did even attempt several times to stay quiet in counseling to afford him the opportunity to speak without interference of any kind from me. He said nothing. Literally, he sat there and said nothing. When they insisted he respond, he did so monosyllabically and they turned to me for details every single time. Twice we were told to go home since neither of us were willing to speak. The other times resulted in the same mess: it's all my fault and he's just the way he is (even though they didn't hear anything from him about the way he is).

Because we move every three to five years with a limited provider list, we've never been able to find and establish a connection with a viable counselor. Too, my husband refused to see a male counselor until recently (last year). Only because there were only male providers on the list and my bags were packed did my husband concede. That counselor said he was fine and that I should just accept who he is. There was no fine for me or any him accepting who I am. I left counseling that day for the last time and kicked him out. We've been separated since.

Diana

Diana,

Sounds like getting fed up with the counselor pushed you into your power. Good for you for taking it and for continuing to stand up for yourself. It's never easy, but it sounds like you are making progress.

PA's are crazy makers. They say things like, "I'm sorry if you think what I did, hurt you." And, Jane Carroll is right--sounds like you got some personal power back. Good for you!

Diana, I sent you a private message today, check for it.

What about your safety Diana? Is there a concern there? I wish you the best. I'm not sure what separations do for people other than give them time, space, and some breathing room. You know best what you need though and we can only offer up suggestions from what we see here. I feel inadequate though, and hesitate to say too much. I think your heart will guide you if you let it.

I wish you so much happiness! I'll leave you with a quote that I shared with another friend tonight.

The best way to predict the future is to create it.
-Peter F. Drucker

Oh my. I just read that quote not a few months ago. It got me started in my quest to bring some of these issues out of limbo and work them into concrete solutions. I'm still so damned back and forth on the book (a very recent developmental idea) but that quote had reminded me of the control I have over my own destiny. It may even have been the catalyst that led to me to the idea of a book.

Since reading that quote, I've unmeshed many things about myself from him. I don't ask him along to go places with my daughter anymore. He resents not being asked but most often says "no." This bothers my daughter and really bothered the older two when they were still at home. I see no reason to ask, then. So, that and a few other things have changed, things that have helped me to feel freer and less tangled up in his issues.

While I think a marriage must include companionship, friendship, trust and communication, these are the very things from which I have to unweave myself so that his toxic touch doesn't continue to ruin my every experience.

I'm not in any danger. The man doesn't hit or even yell. I have often thought it disturbing just how calm and cool he is (rather, appears to be) no matter the circumstance. This, too, played havoc in counseling. He's not just quiet, he's alarmingly still. I, on the other hand, am animated, talk with my hands, sit forward in my chair or even get out of my chair to demonstrate how someone or myself did something.

The passive-aggressive book I read said this kind of man could drive the most rational woman on the planet to a fit of rage. I'm not the most rational woman on the planet, so you can imagine the effect this has had on me. Still, it's within my control and I'm learning, slowly but surely, how to untangle myself and allow myself a clearer picture of what I need and how to meet those needs in a way that's healthiest for me.

Whatever you decide, I hope you'll come here often and know the women in this forum all have broad shoulders and caring hearts.

We're listening if you need us, and also, we would love your participation in the other sections as well. My guess is that you have much to offer the world. I hope this place becomes part OF that world.

My best to you dear friend, JJ

Have you read, The Langauge of Letting Go? I think it would help you a lot!

Msdiana: I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult situation. I do pray you can continue to decipher what's best for you and your children.

About the need for the book... I believe there's a need. And your writing is honest, enthusiast, engaging, just GREAT!
Too many stories have gone untold for the sake of privacy and anonimity. But you still have choices to explore.

Dare to dream and change your world, if only one moment at a time! You won't regret it!-RAL

Diana, I haven't checked the posts in about a week but the more you write the more you sound a lot like what I have been through. you say he doesn't hit, yet youa re living in a state of controlled fear. He controls you by continually having outbursts, so you look for ways to appease him at every turn, he controls you by not being intimate with you so you look for ways to be intimate on any other level--none of which are truly intimate but it's where he wants to be. He controls you by changing your environment by moving the family every so many years, it may seem like it because of work, etc but deep down I think it's to control you, keep you dependent on him, keep you from making deep meaningful friendships, etc.

Have you ever thought about these things from that perspective? I couldn't until I was away from my husband, now I just grieve that I lost so many years--not even realizing...it's like I was living in a spider's web.

msdiana, your writing is good and real and should be published. Your children already see the larger picture, even if they lack specific details. I don't think the book will embarrass them any more than his coldness already has. As far as your husband being humiliated -- he'll just lie and charm his way through any questions from colleagues, and blame it all on you. Which is why it's good if you're physically not there.

The man is a black hole and will suck you in if you let him. By trying to fix the problem, you're being sucked into the vortex. Your husband doesn't want to be fixed. For whatever reason, he feels empowered by being cold and manipulating others. You're trying too hard and bending over backwards to accommodate him, and that's what the game is about. Logic doesn't work. Compassion doesn't work. Your getting out and moving on with your life is the only thing that will work, and that's for you, not him.

You're a strong woman, and will be even stronger when you remove the dead weight you've been carrying all these years.

Best of luck. Know that we are all behind you.

the more i read these responses (doings so over and over helps) the more i think it's not enough to be separated...the term "dead weight" is so applicable...

I have to admit that I feel that being separated is the recourse we take when being afraid of the finality of a divorce. I have always said and adhered to the rather naughty saying, "S--t or get off the pot!" You can nor will you ever get on with your life still being attached to this man. I use this observation for all women and men. Just do it already and get on with your lives.