Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. This means a great deal to me.

My options are aplenty -- the complexity of which mirrors the options I have with regard to this marriage. Sigh.
I know this much: since entertaining the idea of getting it all out there, I've felt this overwhelming need for air and at the same time an excitement I've not felt in a good long while. I could easily scream with glee and frustration at the same time, most of the time. Am I ready? Am I not ready? Is the world ready?

Ms Jaw Jaw, the problem with the counselors is my husband's passive-aggressiveness. They will say they know all about it, but then I watch as, one by one, they are charmed out of their chairs. It's an issue of visibility. He hides behind vague, indirect answers and statements. I am direct, open and honest. The counselors deal with what they have, what they see and what they hear. They don't seem to recognize when someone is hiding or hiding behind. This has them dealing with me -- the visible one.

Every attempt I've made to share things about him that he won't share is met with a kind of "you're tattling" attitude. The man is elusive, sick and in dire need of help. There's nothing more I can or will do for him. It costs me too much, mostly interfering with the relationships I have with my older children and the child I still have at home. I did even attempt several times to stay quiet in counseling to afford him the opportunity to speak without interference of any kind from me. He said nothing. Literally, he sat there and said nothing. When they insisted he respond, he did so monosyllabically and they turned to me for details every single time. Twice we were told to go home since neither of us were willing to speak. The other times resulted in the same mess: it's all my fault and he's just the way he is (even though they didn't hear anything from him about the way he is).

Because we move every three to five years with a limited provider list, we've never been able to find and establish a connection with a viable counselor. Too, my husband refused to see a male counselor until recently (last year). Only because there were only male providers on the list and my bags were packed did my husband concede. That counselor said he was fine and that I should just accept who he is. There was no fine for me or any him accepting who I am. I left counseling that day for the last time and kicked him out. We've been separated since.

Diana

Diana,

Sounds like getting fed up with the counselor pushed you into your power. Good for you for taking it and for continuing to stand up for yourself. It's never easy, but it sounds like you are making progress.

PA's are crazy makers. They say things like, "I'm sorry if you think what I did, hurt you." And, Jane Carroll is right--sounds like you got some personal power back. Good for you!

Diana, I sent you a private message today, check for it.

What about your safety Diana? Is there a concern there? I wish you the best. I'm not sure what separations do for people other than give them time, space, and some breathing room. You know best what you need though and we can only offer up suggestions from what we see here. I feel inadequate though, and hesitate to say too much. I think your heart will guide you if you let it.

I wish you so much happiness! I'll leave you with a quote that I shared with another friend tonight.

The best way to predict the future is to create it.
-Peter F. Drucker

Oh my. I just read that quote not a few months ago. It got me started in my quest to bring some of these issues out of limbo and work them into concrete solutions. I'm still so damned back and forth on the book (a very recent developmental idea) but that quote had reminded me of the control I have over my own destiny. It may even have been the catalyst that led to me to the idea of a book.

Since reading that quote, I've unmeshed many things about myself from him. I don't ask him along to go places with my daughter anymore. He resents not being asked but most often says "no." This bothers my daughter and really bothered the older two when they were still at home. I see no reason to ask, then. So, that and a few other things have changed, things that have helped me to feel freer and less tangled up in his issues.

While I think a marriage must include companionship, friendship, trust and communication, these are the very things from which I have to unweave myself so that his toxic touch doesn't continue to ruin my every experience.

I'm not in any danger. The man doesn't hit or even yell. I have often thought it disturbing just how calm and cool he is (rather, appears to be) no matter the circumstance. This, too, played havoc in counseling. He's not just quiet, he's alarmingly still. I, on the other hand, am animated, talk with my hands, sit forward in my chair or even get out of my chair to demonstrate how someone or myself did something.

The passive-aggressive book I read said this kind of man could drive the most rational woman on the planet to a fit of rage. I'm not the most rational woman on the planet, so you can imagine the effect this has had on me. Still, it's within my control and I'm learning, slowly but surely, how to untangle myself and allow myself a clearer picture of what I need and how to meet those needs in a way that's healthiest for me.

Whatever you decide, I hope you'll come here often and know the women in this forum all have broad shoulders and caring hearts.

We're listening if you need us, and also, we would love your participation in the other sections as well. My guess is that you have much to offer the world. I hope this place becomes part OF that world.

My best to you dear friend, JJ

Have you read, The Langauge of Letting Go? I think it would help you a lot!

Msdiana: I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult situation. I do pray you can continue to decipher what's best for you and your children.

About the need for the book... I believe there's a need. And your writing is honest, enthusiast, engaging, just GREAT!
Too many stories have gone untold for the sake of privacy and anonimity. But you still have choices to explore.

Dare to dream and change your world, if only one moment at a time! You won't regret it!-RAL

Diana, I haven't checked the posts in about a week but the more you write the more you sound a lot like what I have been through. you say he doesn't hit, yet youa re living in a state of controlled fear. He controls you by continually having outbursts, so you look for ways to appease him at every turn, he controls you by not being intimate with you so you look for ways to be intimate on any other level--none of which are truly intimate but it's where he wants to be. He controls you by changing your environment by moving the family every so many years, it may seem like it because of work, etc but deep down I think it's to control you, keep you dependent on him, keep you from making deep meaningful friendships, etc.

Have you ever thought about these things from that perspective? I couldn't until I was away from my husband, now I just grieve that I lost so many years--not even realizing...it's like I was living in a spider's web.