A shower, or reception does not a marriage make.

chick

And sometimes weddings don't a marriage make either.

Kids should remember that mates can come and go, but mothers and daughters are forever.

smile

Cathy, does upsetting the future In Laws = upsetting your daughter?

I vote for two showers too. Let the MIL throw the one she wants where it appears the motive is nice gifts. How selfish! Then, throw yours with friends who want to be there and aren't interested in anything other than seeing your daughter experience joy and friendship.

If your daughter isn't interested in doing this, I say, let her have the shower with the greedy, soon to be relatives. I know it would be sad for you but honestly if my daughter did this to me, she'd have a boot stuck up her @#$ in a size 7.

If your daughter loves you, she should be upset at how you're being treated and not set you up for these confrontations. I wouldn't meet with those people without my husband right beside me.

Kathy - Believe me, after all this craziness - I would much rather have it your way.
I am married 31 yrs. We had a beautiful wedding back then. It was not extravagant. And I had a wonderful time planing it with my mother. My in-laws did certain things and I invited my MIL along for certain things. It worked well. This whole thing just stinks. All the joy has been destroyed. I cannot wait til its over. And when it is over, ladies, I promise you pictures...but you have to promise not to laugh.
Pam - my dtr is going to be 26 in April and she has always been the more mature one of my children (no joke). She is just trying to please everyone and its not working. These 2 families cannot be blended. I think she is blinded by love and has been brainwashed. Our family is simple. We have a lot of love and not alot of money, but we love and cherish our family. That is why this hurts so darned much! I am going to continue with my plan for the shower. I am going to tell her that this is not going to work to keep it together. I will not please this woman anyways. I will invite the MIL and the sister, and any bridesmaid that wants to come from their side. If they don't come, then so be it. If they have one on their side and don't invite me, then so be it. I'd love to see what people would say when the mother of the bride is not there!!

The whole problem (within me) boils down to this - I am afraid of losing my dtr over this. I have alot of abandonment issues in my past, and they are just resurfacing with this mess. But I suppose that if this is the way dtr wants to live, then there is not much I can do at this point. Hubby says I will not lose her. But mother instinct says stick up for my child. Such confusion!!!
Diane - you sound just like my hubby.

Oh Cathy, I could cry for you right now. I mean it. I would be afraid of losing my daughter as well. Even though your hubby is probably right...in that you won't lose her, the fear is still there that you just might. That would be horrible and for me (and probably you too), I wonder how I could go on living. My girls are precious to me and I couldn't imagine not having them in my life. Interesting though, once that "fly in the ointment"-so to speak, enters the scene (your future SIL), things change and we have to accept change whether we like it or not. Good Luck Cathy, I will keep you in my prayers.

Cathy just be true to yourself, your heart and to your husband. He is after all a major part of all this too. You brought your children up with love, morals, respect and consideration. These things are hard to forget. Your daughter is acting foolish now because of the SIL to be, but hang tough, show her by example the correct way to behave and she will be always remember that and come around. Because mark my words, that hateful group she is marrying into is going to give her a rath of sh-t once the wedding hullabaloo settles down and she is the DIL who took sonny boy away from his controling mommy. Just watch! Been there, same exact situation except for the dishonoring my mother part.

cathy what a hard prediciment, either by the strenth of your own emotions and fears over lossing your Dtr in all this or by the presure of the young couple and the SiL mum all pushing and pulling in diffrent ways and directions. A hugh risk your gonna be bullied in one direction or another by anyone of them. Also if that wasen't enough then trying to be accountable to your husband so he dosent end up cross with you, it must be making your head spinn.

Weren't you originally gonna have two showers but your DTR wanted it an all in one affair? So you gave way to her and Also agreed to host it(instead of her aunt in law) to keep her happy? Maybee she had an inkling that this attitude from the MIL to be might of surfaced, who knows.
Theres a lot of toing and frowing to keep everyone happy and in the end their still not happy, you poor love you must be exosted....

Iv been reading on and off at this post waitng to see how it all turned out....iv been praying for a happy ending or comprimise for you all that their be some way for you to get throw it with a lot less stress and demands.

I sorry too read how you are feeling in your last post that you whish it over, theirs no joy left in it, and you can't at the minuet see the two families blending.

This situasion is nearly carbon copy of my sis situasion even down to nationalities ( do you think their a diffrence in 1st and 2nd generasion Itaions? My dad always said so)

In the long run the two families managed to smothed the rough edjes off each other their always was tension over christnings, birthdays etc but it got easier with time.

I hope with a bit more time rest and less stress you can generate a more poitive view over the getting on with the outlaws sorry inlaws lol.....you got a lotta love for your DTR and one things always gonna be, simpley your her mother and always will be now and in fifty years from now........

keep strong, keep god and i hope the tide for your cituasion and in your hart changies to a ligter one...by the sounds of you my dear lady it will surly turn

love celtic_flame

Thanks ladies. Chatty - I love the way you are able to say things as they really are!! I do know that someday my dtr will wake up and realize what she has gotten herself into. I will keep you all posted.

Cathy,
I have just rejoined this board after a long absence, and thought I would add my 2 cents if you don't mind. I feel so bad that you have to go through all this angst when you should be enjoying these months to the fullest. I am a wedding coordinator and event planner, and my advice would be two-fold:
1. Budget ...you mentioned that you gave your daughter a number that you were comfortable paying for the wedding. Stick to it, but let her decide how she wants to spend it. If she wants a huge shower or an expensive dress or a world famous photographer, so be it. It is her wedding, and she should be able to make those choices. However, if she "blows" it all on a shower, and doesn't have enough left for flowers or a fancy cake, or whatever, then she has made that choice. The budget should be completely flexible within its components, but the bottom line is the bottom line...no matter what. As an extra incentive, if there is any money left in the budget, you could offer that to your daughter as a cash payment when the wedding is over, to spend on her honeymoon, furniture, or anything else she would like. This forces her to make some big girl decisions as to what is really a priority to her for the wedding, and keeps you and your husband sane as well.

2. Wedding Planner. Most people think this is an extra expense, and when wedding costs are spiraling out of control, it is the last thing they want to add. However, I can assure you that if you can hire one, he or she will be well worth the cost. They can save you money in the long run by sometimes having access to vendors that offer discounts if they recommend them, they know which vendors offer more value for the money, they can go over contracts BEFORE you sign them to protect you from small print that could cost money. Most important, a good one is also used to many of the family dischord you have related and can be an unemotional third party that might just be able to offer compromises and cool things down when the different sides disagree. If nothing else, hiring a wedding planner for simply the Day of Event services can help immensely on the wedding day itself....especially with a wedding that needs the coordination of 11 bridesmaids!

Check out the Association of Bridal Consultants...www.bridalassn.com
for a consultant in your area. I guarantee there is someone with expertise in these matters that can help you.