I am so sorry to hear of such discord on the run up to what ought to be a most beautiful event in your lives. Have your daughter and the future son-in-law gone for pre-cana counselling? It might help them to focus on the more the important issues as they seem to be giving more weight to the superficial. At the end of the day, you and your husband can only do the best with what you can and have. If such is not enough, then there really is nothing more you can do but pray that your daughter may be able to see through the attitudes which precedes the wedding and is hopefully able to determine what the future may be like for her.

Craftyone, I am so sorry. Your "sit-down" did not go very well. I hope things can repair itself, but if your SIL is so spoiled, I am not sure he will change. How dare he ask how much money is expected from your side of the family. How old is he? Has your daughter known him for a long time? Sometimes wedding planning can bring out the worst in people due to all the stress. I hope it will pass and that he will apologize to you and your husband. Try to speak to your daughter alone, but be careful...be sure not to bad mouth your SIL in front of her. Simply tell her that your feelings are hurt and that you have done the best you and her dad could do financially. It will then be up to her to explain to your SIL the circumstances. Good Luck.

This is not the middle ages where the bride had to have a dowry. I believe from his actions which showed his true colors, your poor daughter is in for a rath of s--t from this money hungry, mammas boy once married. He is lucky he wasn't sitting opposite me because in no uncertain terms I would have told him that we would do/give what we were able and that if it did not meet with his specifications then we would give zip, nada, nothing, maybe he like that better? As far as our relatives tell him you would never think of asking or telling them an amount to give. You are happy they are coming and enjoying this special day with you...This rude, spoiled little creep has much to learn and pussy footing around him and this situation isn't the way. Stand your ground. Hopefully your daughter will understand and has grown up with more respect for her elders and her parents. Lets hope his attitude isn't what the future holds for you and your daughter!!

I feel so awful to hear this. I agree with Chatty. I would have chewed him up and spit him out. That was extremely rude of him. He has no right to EXPECT anything from you or any members of your family invited to attend. Doesn't he understand what a "gift" is? He needs to learn some manners and be set straight. Doesn't matter how old he is. This guy is immature and selfish, like his mother. I wish you and your daughter luck.

Louis

Hi Craftyone,

I agree with everyone's comments about standing your ground. I'm curious - did your daughter side with the SIL? Did she let him do all the talking?

If it's possible - try to speak to her alone but you have to be careful not to bad mouth the guy because I've learned from experience that to tell her you think the guy's a creep will just make her protect him.

Ask her how she feels about everything? Is she having any second thoughts about marrying this guy because the money you've already spent doesn't really matter if she wants to change her mind.

In some cultures, the men can be very charming until they have their women under their thumbs then they become very domineering. I work with an Indian girl who's husband listens to his mother before he listens to her and although they are the same ethinicity, she has lived in America long enough, that it causes a rift between them.

You should ask your daughter if she's ok with her husband and his mother calling all the shots because that's the way it will be for the rest of her life.

I feel for you and hope you can get through to your daughter before she makes a big mistake.

And remember, this is just my opinion, take it with a grain of salt.

My daughter did say a few things, but when it got heated, she did not say alot. I think she was stuck between a rock and a hard place. She said some things, she and I ironed out some things. There was definitely a lack of communication between us that I will not allow to happen again. When I get the opportunity, I will speak with her alone.I am more concerned for her than anything right now. I do not want her to end up in a hospital bed. She was in tears, as was I. But she has told me he is her soulmate, that they share everything.Hubby thinks she should have put her foot down when he started to disrespect us. But I think she is just caught in the middle right now and cannot see the forest thru the trees.
As for him - to answer a few questions. He is first-born generation in the US. He is Italian. I have heard about European men and how charming they are UNTIL they marry and then they change into controlling jerks. I pray for her sake this does not happen. She tells me they talk about everything. But I am not there, so I do not know. We are still in shock I think over this whole mess. We have always loved this guy and welcomed him into our family. He is also 30 years old and there is no excuse whatsoever to act as he did.
One more comment - I was trying to imagine my husband going to MY father before we were married and acting like this kid did. I think My Dad would have tossed him out of his house.
Thanks everyone for your comments. It makes me feel that I am not alone in my thinking. I have no idea what is going to happen, but I keep praying about it.

Oh dear! What a situation. And it sounds like a no-win, one of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't." But, it is also one of those situations that will pass. Bear that in mind.

Expection IS THE KEY WORD HERE. Since when do couples "expect" things such as money from relatives? I find that kind of behavior appalling, and I feel for your daughter. I don't think she truly understands that this is a FLAW in character, not something to be admired. There is a big difference between being assertive, and being abrasive. This young man needs to be taken outside behind the woodshed and introduced to Mr. Strap. It's really inexcusable to EXPECT anything from ANY body.

This is a choice the bride-to-be and the young man have made to spend their life together. The invited guest are just that...invited. Invited to witness the happy union, and to share in their joy of these two people, not take them to raise.

It is a sad state of affairs (forgive the pun) when they EXPECT. I just can't help but wonder that if he EXPECTS so much from people (some of whom I'm sure he doesn't even know) NOW, what unrealistic expectations will he place on your daughter day to day, his employer, his children?

I too am worried about your daughter. Now, and sadly...afterwards. I know you will do all you can to protect her and I would do the exact same thing. Good for you. But while doing that, please do not allow this bully to use emotional blackmail with you both. It's just not right. I am also worried about YOUR health, and that of your husbands. Please take care of yourself and if possible, distance yourself from the "goings-on" somehow and focus on something more relaxing, if for only a few minutes a day.

It sounds as if an expensive ceremony and expensive gifts are more important to your daughter's fiance' than her feelings or yours. An attitude such as that might affect their marriage.

Praying for guidance certainly seems in order.
smile

Craftyone, I am Italian as is my husband and most of our family-both sides. We are 2nd generation. We have never, ever demanded anything from any of our parents, or even expected anything more than they graciously chose to give. I think your future SIL is just the exception and is simply spoiled by his mommy and daddy. Sad. I truly hope he changes.

The first warning sign is a 30 year old man still at home with his mommy! I am Italian and this is not the trait of any Italian men I know or ever knew. This guy wants something for nothing and makes me wonder what he has in
mind as far as being a husband is?? Oh, mamma mia!!