Hey Ladies-

Here's an update on the wedding. I went today with my dtr for her to be measured and ordered the dress. Let me tell you this was NOT an inexpensive dress!!! UGH!! I just can't believe how expensive weddings are today.
Anyways - things went well with us. We talked about a few things for the wedding, got the dress ordered and we are communicating well.
My future SIL has not shown his face with our family since that dreaded night a couple months now. My sis is coming in from CA tomorrow and we are having a family gathering. I wonder if he will show. AND I wonder how hubby will act if he does. I KNOW hubby is very uncomfortable now. Life is so unsettled right now.
My dtr and I talked a little about a shower. I must be very old fashioned.....she wants to know who is doing it, wants control over when it is, because she has a busy schedule, told me that she and her bridesmaids will be here to put the favors together, etc, etc etc...I never heard of the bride being so involved in the shower. In my mind, she should be surprised. Should not have ANY control of it.
ALSO - she wants one big shower. NOW - remember the mother-in-law? I told dear dtr that I should NOT be throwing the shower - that it is not proper etiquette. But, if an aunt has it, there are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many people on the grooms side, that we would have to have 2 showers. I sound like I am rambling.
Here is the scoup on the shower. My SisInLaw wants to have a shower. Would probably be our side only and small. Daughter does not want the family's split, so wants to have one big shower at a hall. I cannot tell my SIL that she has to have it a hall. I cannot tell people they need to spend money. Dtr tells me that his mom can get this wonderful deal on this hall - like $20/per person. I am thinking that is not all that great. Then I am thinking, why do we have to have ALL these people??? I really don't know what to do about this shower biz now. Any thoughts on what you would do? Is this clear as mud???

Thanks Ladies-

Cathy, I really feel so bad for you during this time that should be filled with happiness. As far as the shower goes, I think that etiquette is more or less thrown out of the window these days with this new generation of brides! Yes, I gave my daughter's shower, if only to help out the bridal party financially. They certainly participated with decorating, baking special cookies and their own gifts, etc. But for the most part, I was the hostess who rented the restaurant and paid for the per person price. If I recall correctly, it was probably about $25 per person. However, I will say that it was not a very large shower. We combined families - both sides and we had a total of 39 women. We DID NOT invite every woman that was to be invited to the wedding. Our family never does that. We simply invite those closest to the bride and groom. And yes, my daughter was surprised. Of course she knew she was going to have a shower on one of the weekends prior to her wedding so I am sure she had a clue. She says she was surprised, but who really knows? We had name tags on the each seat and made sure that everyone was seated next to people they knew and liked! It was lovely and I am very happy it was intimate and somewhat small. We could have had my home but thought it was too much work and we all wanted to sit and enjoy the party with everyone else invited. I live in a New York suburb, don't know if things are done differently in Illinois. I hope you can work this out and enjoy it as well.

Gosh, thanks for all the info Pam. I am thinking I should just bite the bullet and give in to having the shower in a hall and forget it. My hubby does not agree. He thinks I am giving in. Yes, I am giving in, but I don't want to fight about it, I just want it done and over with. Terrible to say, I know this should be a happy and fun time. But when the groom to be treats you with such disrespect, you just don't want to do anything for him. I will do it for my dtr. She says she wants one big shower and the families to get along, but i think these 2 families will never get along because of the bad feelings. Its already too late. I will be glad when this wedding is over and I do not have to be with these people, except for the few times we will be at my dtr's house in the years ahead.

crafty, good for you to stay focused on your daughter. Just keep showing her love. That's all you can do. I know it sounds tough, but show him love too. Sometimes, people who act like him, need love the most!

Hey Cathy, have you thought about writing this up as a film script, I hope this does not sound uncaring, but if it werent for all the emotion and hurt, this could make a great comedy, you know the Steve Martin sort of thing! I often think that of my own marriage and kid saga(s)! If it werent so sad it would be a great comedy, and the movies aint got nothing on real life!!
Seriously, sometimes it has helped me to think, in 10 or 20 years, what will matter?? you know, in 10 years does it matter if you had a big or a small shower, what will make the difference in the long run. Also, what about your relationship with your husband, I hope this stress is not putting strain on your relationship with your hubby.
whatever happens you are wished all the best

HI Dotise
I think my sister in law needed self confidence. She has a manager job in a nut shop now, is earning her own way, the kids are self sufficient and so she felt OK to leave in herself.

Hello Cathy
Thanks for this, I have written down the Gary Smalley book and will try the library for it. I am interested in your view that people can change. It seems such a firm idea in our society that people cannot change. Did you always think that people could change or did you come to this opinion with experience?? My husband thinks that I have changed, but I was sick, and with treatment, have recovered. I wonder if this is the situation with your alcoholic husband, he was sick and is now recovered?? May I also ask you in what ways you had to change? And how did you arrive at that insight, because insight can be a difficult thing to have? Sorry to interupt the conversational thread.

Geeeeeez - I just wrote a long reply and somehow deleted it before I could add it. UGH!!!!! I will have to return another time, as it is late and I have work and school tomorrow - long days!!!

Thanks! I am thinkin bout you ladies!

crafty, sorry about that. We'll keep looking for ya!

Deb asked - Did you always think that people could change or did you come to this opinion with experience?? Unfortunately I had to experience it, because my parents taught me that people do not change. But in my case, my hubby had a choice. If he kept going the way he did, I was not going to be around much longer for him to abuse (not physically). I did not give him any ultimatum, I just told him I wanted a divorce. He decided on his own to quit drinking. He also decided to go back to church. And honestly it was our church that really affected him. He changed tremendously. And yes, I did too. Actually, I was the one that realized I needed to do something and because one person in the relationship changes, its like upsetting an apple cart. The others have to follow, or it just is not going to work. In my case, I was a doormat for many years of my life. I allowed him to do any thing he wanted with no consequences. I had no boundaries. I was given some powerful tools and with the grace of God, we learned together and have a better marriage today than ever. ANd we are now married 31 yrs. I truly believe that our family of origin has alot to do with how we are.
You also asked - I wonder if this is the situation with your alcoholic husband, he was sick and is now recovered?? Yes, alcoholism is a disease. And if you think about it - not all diseases can be cured. He is not cured - he is recovering. He will be recovering the rest of his life.
Does this help?