All very well put and very educational. This will make me think twice before inserting my foot into my large mouth. I for one, am grateful for the lessons herein.

I particularly like the "do you have family in the area?"

I think most of these "do not's" are common sense type things and maybe things that people with children just haven't considered before. This is where you've given us food for thought.

JJ

Thank you for taking this so well, jj.

Again, we know people "mean well", but we feel many are so under-educated about how to repond, not only to our situations, but to many others as well.

There's a book entitled "How to Say It" by Rosalie Maggio. I purchased it after I looked in the index to see if she mentions how to respond to the CNBC'er. It did not,of course. So, I wrote to Rosalie and we are in communication for one of her future books.

Although she did do a great job about how to respond in the case of a miscarriage.

I have found the same thing when people come to funerals. They can say the dummiest things, sometimes with the best of intentions; however, sometimes because they are just plain dumb. Your thoughts are appreciated. And although others may not have posted yet, you can rest assure they are reading and absorbing. We need people who aren't afraid to speak out and say, "hey, please don't say that. It hurts."

JJ

Di, I have to ask this, if you ladies are unable to talk about your issue and we are not suppose to discuss our children/grandchildren, what are we suppose to talk about to one another. I bet in that situation you'd be able to cut the tension in the room with a dull knife. I agree with your last sentence however...
Unless you've walked in someones moccasins!
Thats a two way street I believe. I think at all times we need to be kind and thoughtful especially when someone may be hurting....

Great question, Chatty!

How about women's issues? Current crafts you are working on? job? Pets? Weather? Latest book you are reading? your house? Brother/sisters? Family life? Fashion?

Interestingly, a few years ago I had lunch with five other women who had no kids. And guess what? We sat there for 2 1/2 hours talking about all sorts of stuff!!

I have a sister who told me that when she goes out w/her friends, one decision they all have come to is that none of them talk about their kids.She says it's so refreshing. And she does that for me as well.We use Yahoo Instant messenger a lot!

Di, I am not making light of the insensitive questions you are asked, but I thought it might be a little consolation that the ignorant people are not just targeting the chlildless! I have 8 kids and here are some of the things people say to me:
Were they all planned?
Do they have the same father?
So is this it? Or are you having more?
Haven't you figure out what's causing it yet?
The last question is asked as a joke, but I want to say to these people, is it really your concern? Are you feeding them?
People just don't know how to be polite and sensitive anymore. If I didn't know you, I might ask "do you have children", never "how many??" I can't imagine being that presumptous. After hearing the answer "no" I'd go on and ask other things in an effort to get to know you. Each person is pricelss and special all on their own, marital and parental status do not make the person worthy or unworthy.

The funny thing is; I don't think kids talk much about their parents. They find enough other topics. But something snaps when people have children. It's like nothing else in this world can compare. So for many parents, children are their world…and it's hard not to talk about what encompasses your life.
In Germany the birth rate is extremely low. Many women decide for a career instead of children. Whether or not your decision to have or not to have children is voluntary, usually families without children find each other on a social basis…alone because their interests are so different.
We are all children of life. It doesn't matter who we come through, we are all from life itself.
I sort of borrowed this saying, which I think is known to many…but it's so wise.

I never had children either, not by choice. All of my friends did. Back in the 80's when I was part of a committed Christian community, It used to really hurt when I would find out (after the fact) that the other women had all met together at some park or beach - and I was sitting at home in my empty apartment with no car, but nobody ever thought to invite me because they thought I wouldn't enjoy being around all of their kids and kid-talk. But they were wrong. I would have LOVED to have been invited. I would have loved to play with all of their children in the parks and the water. Being left out of their gatherings hurt me so much more than not having any children of my own.

Now that I have my own step-granddaughter, I have my own "bragging rights" and can jump right into those kid-talk conversations. But I still don't get invited to any parks or beaches - now it's my single women friends who don't invite me!

Eagle Heart, how wonderful for you to have a step-granddaughter. I could have used a step grandmother for my children. My Mom was across the seas, and I had no family over here. That is def. somethng my kids missed out on; having a grandmother to take their side. How about just inviting yourself to those outings at the parks and beaches? With your good heart Eagle I know you must be welcomed with open arms whereever you go.

Hannelore, you're so right about children missing out on having someone to take their side. My paternal grandmother died when I was very young, and my maternal grandparents lived too far away. Yet I adored them...thankfully, my maternal grandmother used to write me letters, many of which I still have today. Those letters kept us connected, and I'll always cherish that relationship...but it wasn't the same as having those two loving arms to cuddle me when nobody else could understand me.

That's what I try to be for my granddaughter - I'm almost ALWAYS on her side, and she knows it, and we've become kindred spirits.

Both hubby and I also try to be a positive presence in the lives of many of the children in our neighbourhood, many of whom don't have any extended family in this country. We often sit outside on the front step talking with them about their day and the troubles so many of them face in school (especially prejudice). It's sad to hear their stories (many have very painful backgrounds) but we try to encourage them and be on their side when we know that not many others are there for them.

Maybe that's one of the gifts a childless woman has to give to the world - it's precisely because I don't have any children of my own that I have the time and energy to give a listening presence and "on your side" comfort to other people's children who are feeling just as alone, misfitted and isolated as I have so often felt.