Ladies,

Although I am not a widow, I hope you do not mind my replying.

But, sometimes I feel as though I am widowed. Having experienced the "death" of a dream of having children, I,too, am learning to live without what I had in my mind and heart.

As many of you know, I am co-founder of an online support place for the childless (see my signature). We have often mentioned that, when we educate those who have never experienced childlessness, that it is likened to a "death".

After reading your posts here, I can see that to be true. Difference is...you all have had the physical presence of your loved ones, we've dreamed it, felt it and hoped for it. I am still "learning" to be without someone after all these years. My belief is that God placed the "nurture" in me that is very difficult to put forth and utilize without someone to receive. Yes, we have pets and I do mentor others, but you all know that having children is way different from pets, nieces, nephews, siblings, spouses etc. They are the only thing women physically and miraculously bear and that connection is something so unique that only God has been able, will be able, to create it.

My DH is 7 years older so, statistically, he could predecease me. Then what? I'll be alone. Really alone. Not a fun thing to think about at 7 am, but reality..that is IF he predeceases me.

Why am I here, you ask? I want to learn from you all who have gone down the road of "the shadow of death". My Dad experienced Mom's death when I was 18 (she was 9 days short of her 44th birthday, Dad was 47). It was not a pretty picture.

One thing I have learned both from Dad and you ladies right here is that, even though you have had children, they do not replace your beloved spouse. Although having children, I would imagine, can be a lovely reminder of your departed DH's. That love you shared that brought forth your "arrows", as the bible calls children, can never be taken away by death or separation.

Thank you for allowing me to read your inner-most thoughts and emotions about this very difficult and multi-facted subject.

I have not "buried" my dream children, yet. But perhaps I should. I've always felt that those who've had the "news" of a child coming only to miscarry or experience a stillbirth, were more apt to have a "funeral", but now I am thinking that I may need to have a funeral for my lost dreams.

P.S. I am still trying to find out "who I am"!

[ April 07, 2006, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: Di ]