Oh Lynnie, you are so honest about what is in your heart. and never ever, ever should any one know such hurts.

If it's okay,i want to say something about the person you mentioned who sexually abused you, although i could be right off base here ...
but if the person, was also sexually abused, he may well remember, but deny it ever happened with a very straight face.

We know one's body can be manipulated into certain sexual reactions whether the victim wanted that to happen or not. But when that happens to a boy, what prevents him, from naively believing not only..'because of my reactions i must have been part to blame' 'something is really wrong with me', or 'i didn't refuse so i must also be guilty' but also 'maybe i am really deep inside homosexual'. A terrifying thought to a male who doesn't want to be considered homosexual.

Their guard is up forever, until they begin to realize .... they were not to blame, it didn't mean they are secret homosexuals, they will not be rejected when others find out, in fact others, who are special to them, will begin to understand why the nightmares which could never be remembered, why the drinking, the distrust, the anger always below the surface and etc. and etc.
and etc. Others too will finally have a chance to heal.

You were not 'stupid' Lynn when you married an abusive man. If anything a deep goodness more often then not gets people into bad relationships. The goodness, that wants to believe the best of others.