She is telling you and everyone she ignored that you were right and now her ego won't allow her to be pityed by anyone. Even if you might never bring it up in her mind she'd believe you were always saying silently, "told you so." She is a lost cause right now, let it go, not worth the heartbreak. When and if she can deal with the humiliation, she'll come around...

[ November 10, 2005, 07:03 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

I think you are right Chick. It is hard to be with an intimate friend at a time when the person with whom we have been most intimate has betrayed us. Somehow that kind of betrayal can make even the intimacy of a friendship seem dangerous.

I would give the friend some time to heal. Maybe sending her a card periodically saying how you miss her and need her friendship, but understand and allow her some space until she is ready to be friends again.

smile

[ November 11, 2005, 01:27 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Thanks for the help everyone!!!
This person has been my friend since I was 17--so it's rather hard dealing with it all.
I will continue to try and reach out to her--I think the emotions are still very raw to both of us.
I get selfish at times--I need my friend right now in dealing with my life & she's not there.
I get mad at her for not allowing me into her world as she's living it right now.
We both need one another & are backing off into our own little corners.

I can understand how there are some woman who aren't strong enough to tell a man where he can go--that they are a product of their enviorment...
but my friend was a very strong person. She had friends & family all around her who cared, and would do anything for her. How she got to such a place inside where she allowed a man to treat her the way he did....makes me both mad and sad.

No matter how close, no one ever really knows what goes on inside a marriage. Even the closest friend is outside that most important relationship. A friend can only listen and support. And advice, no matter how well intentioned, it to be either accepted or ignored.

When your friend is ready, she will be back. Just let her know you are always there for her.

smile

Smile, your words speak the truth.
Kay B, how is it going with your friend?
chick

Some women never want to mention a bad or abusive relationship again and others, like myself, write a book about it! We all heal in different ways, don't we?

I like smile's idea of sending occasional cards. No need to write any long message. SOmetime syou can find a perfect message, then just sign it and stick it in the mail. Much better than an email too!

Chick: You are a courageous woman! Thanks for sharing your story. Altough sad, it's inspiring.

Dianne: your words regarding forgiveness are gold.

To women who've never experienced DV it is difficult to picture such a situation and relate to someone who is going through it.

It is certainly so easy to say "I would've done this or that instead", but each situation is different even with all the similarities, and unless you are in that kind of situation no one can even start to imagine what the other is going through.

God bless all those who battle DV and those who spread love and inspiration one way or the other.

During a book signing, this woman approaches me and goes on and on about her abusive husband, who she divorced. After she had talked for a long time, I asked her how long it had been and she said 16 years!!!! I lost all sympathy for her at that moment. Get over it! Even her grown children had abandoned her due to the bitterness and anger.

Another woman who was 70 years old and absolutely beautiful, told me she had recently left her very abusive husband after years of abuse and when he karate chopped her in the back of her neck and hurt her so badly, she was hospitalized. It was only then that she told her grown son what was going on and he immediately moved her out of the house and set her up in a nice apartment. She was shaking as she spoke with me. So many years wasted but she finally did the right thing.

Dianne, I'm sad to hear of the 70 year old woman, imagine all the years, and it is shameful that a man of that age continues to batter.

When I first encounted the abuse of my ex-husband we lived in upstate NY in 1994. I met a lovely lady in her late 60s who was planning on leaving her husband (retired Navy) b/c he was physically, mentally, verbally and sexually abusive. She said the later was the worst b/c she was not the youth she once was, yet very stricking to look at (kind of like Kathryn Hepburn). He would become very jeolous if other men (regardless of age) looked at her. And I thought, gosh she is my grandmothers age, who would want to hurt my (or anyones for that matter) grandmother? Yet, sadly, it does occur.