As many of you know, my 23 yr. old daughter and my grandaughter are living with me right now indefinitely while we wait for my daughter's court date to determine if she will go to prison or to a program and whether or not she will get to be with my grandaughter in the program or not.

My husband says he can't live with either of them because his nerves are bad and I believe him. He is a very rigid person...inflexible...intolerant...horrible temper...problem with alcohol. He's one of those people who can't see the good or opportunity in anything. He wants a 'simple' life. He even lines his shirts up in a certain way and separates them by T's or collared.

My husband sold his house last week and we both signed on it. My name was on the mortgage because his credit wasn't good enough to get financing for a second mortgage although I haven't made any payments on it but have lived here with him for nearly a year.

I will get nothing from the sale of the house except for 3 months rent free living so we will not be homeless, basically. My husband had lumped 20,000 worth of credit card debt into the refinance also and when all was said and done was left with 35,000 in his pocket. Now he doesn't want me to use the account although my name is on it too and my payroll ck goes into it too and says he is going to open a new account for himself and put some of the money in CD's.

Now, since he paid for 3 months rent, he can come and go at will, can have his own freedom from my watchful eye as he will be living in the apartment, won't have to 'deal' with my daughter or grandaughter, and says he needs me with him to run the complex and my daughter had better find somewhere to live as in three months, the rent is up.
I continue to be sweet to him, to get him settled in his apartment, cleaned cabinets, put things away for him and tonight am going shopping for towels, rugs and things like that.
He didn't get me a card for Valentine's but took me out to eat with another couple who he spent most of his time with and got royally drunk. He gave them pain pills on top of the Xanax they had already taken along with alcohol.
Am I being stupid? Is there anything I can do? I feel trapped between him and my daughter who really IS trying to make her life right.

I feel like I'm living in the Twilight Zone. My work and my grandaughter and my other grandchildren and daughters offer the only sanity in my life right now.
I bought my husband a Valentine card and some Hagendas (sp) ice cream. I'm always doing thoughtful things for him. He doesn't like anything I do, has to monitor everything, says I squandered my inheritance on my children when I used it to live for a year while trying to start my life all over again.

Number5...I'm not a real fan of your husband as you well know.
I want to tell you to go see a lawyer...but, I know you don't have the funds to do so.

So, my thoughts are this...your name was on the mortgage, because his credit wasn't good enough...he gives you 3 months free rent..while he pockets 35,000 free and clear...no!

If, your paycheck is going into that account your name is on it...your money is in there.
I'd start my own new account.

How much did he pay you for helping him move into his new apt? Did he compensate you for all the hard work, did he pay for your tolerating his useless self and keeping his home clean and cooking and cleaning? Did he support you in any way...financial or emotion? Is he paying you for shopping for his new home?
What right does he have saying you squandered your inheritance on your children?
I so dislike cheap, useless, thoughless, greedy... controlling men.

Any free legal advice in your area?
If, not...
Check into a new account, before he spends it all on drugs and alcohol.
Just my thoughts..

I'll pray that he turns into a caring human being.

[ February 15, 2006, 05:13 PM: Message edited by: yepthatsme2 ]

Amen Brenda!!!! Good advice to Number5.

I can't add much else here Number5. You are much too good of a person to tolerate this man. Definetely get your own bank account. Figure out what you put into the joint account and then withdraw that amount and start another one.

I feel that if I attempt to take any of the money he has from the sale of his house, that it wouldn't really be an honest thing to do as he has no retirement CD's or retirement fund. He is acombat wounded veteran and gets disability from the VA. He will get retirement from the Fed govt, but has no savings other than the money from the sale of his house.

Of course, I have no retirement fund, no VA benefits, no CD's or paysop or any retirement plan. My mother and I laughed that my retirement plan is a bicycle, blanket and can of pork n beans under the overpass....

I'm sure God will take care of me and he has given me a great imagination and ability to survive. I just can't condone my taking what isn't mine unless, as you say, I earned it. I'velost a lot this year being married to him. I gave up a great job with great benefits to marry him.

Your story breaks my heart Number 5...Brenda gave you some excellent advice , only you know what's best in your situation and your first thought should be for your own personal safety...however, please go to the bank TODAY and open your own account and notify your payroll department of the change immediately...I'm praying for you ....hang in there!!!

Number5...is it your husband that works for the post ofc?
Was thinking...yes...if so he will be receiving retirement there, besides the military retirement, and pretty much free medical...if he was unable to get financing because of his credit, it shows he is not responsible in the finance dept..
My husband is retired military, (he is not collecting disability from combat etc.) his retirement pays our mortgage, insurance plus elec. With other income we are able to max invest in 401, and still support a family of 6.
Not to mention... your husband is collecting extra pay for combat wounded veteran.
He has no savings because he choose not to save...why should he? It's not in his heart to share what he has earned...with anyone.
You have believed to many of his stories...I believe his nose is growing beyond his reach.
Don't be the rug...he walks on.
You need to believe you are a good person.
Decide, what you put into the account and transfer it into a new account in your name (does your paycheck not go into that account?)
...before your family has to go without.
Do you think if he beats you to the bank, it'll matter if you have anything left to eat or live with...or is he just waiting for you to beg, for the morsels that fall from his table?

Ok, I'm off work tomorrow. I'll go open a checking account in my name alone. I think my daughter and I together can support ourselves and maybe she can get some kind of assistance for her daughter for daycare and WIC.

I figured it out today. My husband spends at least $40 a night at the local bar which averages $800 a month and he can't afford to help us just a little??!!

He is trying to give away all the furniture left at the house now to his drinking buddys and telling my daughter and I to get our things out of storage and find someone to carry it for us if we can.

My husband went to the doctor recently and had a standing MRI. The results were that there is a significant finding which the VA will discuss with him the 21st of this month. I'm going with him. I cringe to think what that might be and what kind of impact it will have on us. If something profound, then he will be looking to me for care. I'm not going to do it even tho I love him because of the way he has not demonstrated affection and tenderness toward me.

Number5, my husband is also a retired federal employee and his pension lets us live very comfortably. Our children work but are required to bank everything so this pension supports four of us just fine and then some.

I hope he's not giving you a line of bull about his pension because it should be a pretty good one when he retires.

As usual Brenda is right on the money with her answer.

Number5, I'm so sorry to even say this but someone has to. This is an evil selfish man to make a mother have to decide between him and her child and grandchild. Then when not getting his way he sells your home right out from under you and is going to keep all the proceeds, dear Lady if he gave you the entire $35,000. it wouldn't be compensation enough for the years you've taken care of his needs. He all but ignores you for the friendship of his booze buddies, he is giving away furniture you might need or be able to sell and he is "allowing" you to set up his apartment for him, one you probably won't be welcome in when it is all set up and after all this and probably alot more you haven't told us, you're still planning to go to his doctors appointment with him, WHY??? You state you cringe at what the MRI results might be because then he'll be looking at you to care for him. My God women wake up, smell the coffee...I am so glad you are taking the excellent advice given above to open your own account and have all your monies deposited into it immediately. I hate to see any women go through this and know what pain and confusion it causes but you have to be aware that he is using you and yes, abusing you. Maybe not psycially but emotionally and spiritually it is definitely abuse. You must think of yourself now, if that includes your daughter and your granddaugher than so be it, that is the choice you were forced to make...There comes a time when being smart and mindful of your own needs is necessary and that time is now for you. I wish you well and pray you use your head and good common sense and not your wounded heart and spirit to make decisions.. If it were me I'd contact the landlord to make certain this loser actually paid three months rent in advance for you. We are all here to help as much as we can. If I may say this, you need to back away leave this user husband to fend for himself the way he is leaving you....

[ February 16, 2006, 06:25 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]