Vicki, what a tender post!

Thank you,vicki. Believe me,I've cried many tears over this.

Sadly, when I had my hyst., I asked the Lord to not allow my sex drive to diminish, as it does with many women I've known. And He answered that prayer. Now, I can't use it like I wish to!

Yes, I need to be tender and not cutting, like I usually am! (I'm orig. from the east coast so that is a given!!)

I'll wait and see. We do not have a "doctor" as we do not have health insurance. All the more reason he will not see a dr.

But I do appreciate everyone's input. The problem is me and how I approach him next time.

Di, I tried the gentle approach (for 12+ years), not an easy thing to do. I even lied and said, "honey, our marriage is so good anyway, it's not important."

I read all the men's health books and was aware of lower testosterone levels and again, gently suggested a trip to the doctor was necessary.

It IS hard to be kind and gentle but how I managed to be is beyond me. When someone is stubborn and won't listen to you what are you supposed to do?

I'm 54 and my husband is 61. We've been married for over 30 years.

Sometimes a woman may blame herself, but when you have tried every "trick in the book" you come to realize something else is at work.

In our case it was undiagnosed diabetes which lead to atrial fibrillation, which lead to a stroke.

Please Di, insist he get a check up.

[ December 01, 2005, 02:22 PM: Message edited by: ladybug ]

Di
Sounds like your husband is suffering from lack of desire, which though the two are related, is much different than lack of ability so vaigra is probably not your answer.

Hormones might help, but if he won't go to the doctor, that might not work either. Desire though affected by hormones, is really a function of the brain and heart which makes it much more difficult to address. And men are so sensitive about the whole thing. I was just thinking maybe some brain physiology would help increase the urgency of his desire.

The brain is wired so that anything which is unavailable can be perceived as overwhelmingly desirable. I've forgotten the exact mechanism, but I've seen it diagramed by brain physiologists as a part of the addiction and sex drive process. It is probably important to the allure of extramarital and other forms of taboo sexuality.

A man's testosterone level naturally increases when he 'pursues' a female. And the less available she is, the more he pursues. And the more he pursues, the more hormones he secretes and the more hormones in his blood stream, the more valuable the object of his pursuit becomes. And the urgency of his desire becomes greater.

Remember our mothers telling us to 'Save ourselves for marriage' and 'let a guy chase you til you catch him?' They were smarter than we knew when they taught us to be seductive, but unavailable. There's actually a lot of science to back that up.

Infrequency of intercourse and lack of desire is becoming more common even among young men. I wonder if it's because of the 'bare it all,' 'show it all,' 'give it all away' attitude that kids are famous for today.

I hope that's not too frank. Your post just reminded me of some things I have read about and I thought maybe you could use in your heart to hearts somehow. Of course a little prayer might help too.

And no one should go through life without all the joy God intended for us all.
smile

smilinize, there is so much wisdom in that. With all I've been hearing about this issue it seems it's more common than I once thought.

I was one of those who "saved it for marriage," just didn't expect to be still "savin'" it. LOL!!

I've wondered too that with the changes in our society so too come some unpleasant "side effects."

I don't really think it's the case in Di's marriage though.

Smile,

I once had lunch with an older (to me at the time) woman who had been married for 40 years. She said one reason her marriage was successful was that she didn't ever give her husband ALL of her, and she held back. That caused him to work a little harder to please her.

Interesting, eh?

Daisygirl

She has the right idea Daisygirl. When I look back at the last 30 years in my marriage I did everything (almost, I am a bit stubborn) that I could to make a beautiful home and keep myself looking good.

Know what? I always wanted a shag haircut but kept it long because he liked it that way. I've got a sorta shag now but my hairdresser is too young to know what a proper shag haircut looks like. An old friend who was once one of the top ten hairdressers in America use to cut a great shag style. He promised to re-do mine.

That was also the point in getting my tattoo. It was my way of saying, I am no longer going to be manipulated by what everyone else wants me to do. I'm 54, I'm too old for that.

I am not necessarily the voice of reason or wisdom here but I know for a fact that many many men I speak to 'do not' have sexual relations with their wives yet call our service. Many have said to me when I quiz them as to why they don't, they'll answer boring, same ole, same ole or this way (the phone) theres no pressure to please anyone but themselves. Some confide that it takes too long now for them to get aroused and sometimes they can't and they know their wife is frustrasted. Being afraid of being a failure will cause just that...Not always the the case but its my contribution to the post as I hear it right from the horses mouth, so to speak... Messy business this sex stuff.

[ December 01, 2005, 05:42 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Well, interesting twist here.

Just this morning, DH was taking some pics of me testing out his new camera. (Yes, WITH clothes! LOL!!) I commented on how old I look, and he said I just look tired, which is true. He then said, "What you need is to get out of the house today". With that, I took it as an open door and said, "What I NEED is some intimate time w/my husband". then he said, "Well, I'm getting you that Christmas gift", I said, "That does not feel the same"!

We'll see. Subtle hints may eventually get him going.

You are right. Messy business! Sheesh!!

Di, maybe you should've taken them off!!!