Thank you for all you say, Chick. This truly means a great deal to me. Yes, I think once you’re with your friend, you’ll have more of a sense as to what to say to her and what not. Also, if appropriate, you could invite her to join this forum—at least read the posts. For me, part of the recovery was knowing that I wasn't alone. That this had happened to others. Sue

I have a friend whose daughter has apparently falsely accused her deceased father of sexual abuse. My friend went through terrible pain and guilt only to discover that the repressed memories were of incidents that could not have occurred because the father was not in the home at the time.

The daughter is now in therapy and among other things is diagnosed with a hysterical personality. Apparently she saw something on TV about repressed memories and somehow convinced herself she had been sexually abused.

Sue, I wondered if you had ever encountered this and if you have any advice on how to handle it.

smile

[ February 08, 2006, 01:52 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Hi, Dotsie, I know my book can be scary to read, which is all the more reason why I am deeply touched that you’ve read it. Thank you.

And you’re not being nosy with your questions, not at all. This is why I've been looking forward to participating in this forum, to have these conversations with all of you!

Yes, dealing with the fact that my mother didn’t protect me was a huge part of recovery. In one of the previous posts we talked about anger, and I definitely had a great deal of anger toward her—anger that I had to work through in recovery.

Actually, my mother and I had one brief conversation about what happened. I was in rehab at the time, feeling a bit safe, and I said something to her like: “I was sexually molested as a child.”

And she responded something like, “Oh, your father. Well, we didn’t know about things like that back then. And I had a terrible childhood, too.”

Can you imagine? So, after this conversation, it was clear that there was nothing else I could ever say to her. But I’ve found that a “real” confrontation isn’t necessary for recovery. I mean, it’s an individual choice: some people I know feel it’s important; but I discovered that, for me, I didn’t have to. I mean, what’s more important is that I’m emotionally honest within myself, that I “confront” these issues within myself.

And if I HAD tried to confront my father I would NOT have received an apology! He probably would have gone into a rage, which would, in the end, have been more hurtful to me.

Anyway, for those of us who write, we get the last word anyway, don’t we?! Sue

Hi, Smile, that sounds like a very sad situation. No, I don’t know anyone who has gone through this. That sounds odd, though, to receive a diagnosis of a “hysterical personality.” I didn’t know women still received such a diagnosis. Gosh, I mean, I thought that was back in Freud’s time?

Anyway, of course it’s also possible that someone else molested her…or that it all happened within another time frame. I’ve always felt that if someone has symptoms, that these symptoms arise from something. I mean, even if you want to call it “hysterical,” WHY is she hysterical, is what I'd wonder? I don’t think we’re born hysterical…any more than we’re born addicts. My sense is that something happens to cause these behaviors.

Looking back on it, in fact, I can see how I, too, could have received such a diagnosis, in that I had “hysterics,” and “temper tantrums,” whatever you want to call it. But of course there was a reason why. I was trying to let others know that I was having an emergency. I just didn’t have the language, back then, to “speak” aloud what my father was doing.

I mean, obviously I don’t know what happened in this situation with your friend. Nor am I a psychologist. So I’m just wondering aloud here.

But, okay, you’re asking for advice. Sorry if I went off on a tangent. Yet, to be honest, my advice would be not to necessarily discount the daughter’s problems as totally something she made up. I mean, maybe she did; but, as I say, it could be that something (else) happened to her. And it might be beneficial to the whole family to discover what…if that makes sense? Sue

I have heard most of that story from the mother though I did talk to the daughter once. Apparently, she was lead to some "repressed memory" by a therapist after watching a TV show and reading a book about sexual abuse. She was also using drugs and at one time planned to sue her mother for not reporting the abuse or something and later planned to sue the therapist.

After changing therapists, and confronting her mother, apparently the memories were proven to be false. The mother was terribly hurt and is still in pain about the whole thing though I believe they have recently reconciled. The mother sometimes confides in me and I have no idea how to respond.

You mentioned symptoms. What are the symptoms?

smile

Hi, Smile, thanks for the clarification. How upsetting. This situation sounds awful. Symptoms would be any kind of “acting out” behavior like hysteria…though I’m not sure I’d use that word. But emotions that seem very powerful yet not consistent with what is going on at the time. For example, I would go into uncontrollable weeping over a seemingly “innocuous” event, because what I was REALLY reacting to was the past--but I didn’t know how it. Then, behaviors/symptoms such as drug abuse, alcoholism, eating disorders, sex addictions. Numbing of feelings. Not being in touch with authentic feelings. For example, before recovery, I had plenty of anger, but it wasn’t directed at the appropriate person: my father. Rather, I’d get angry at myself or others.

In terms of how to respond to the mother when she confides in you--maybe just let her know that you’re her friend and are there to “hear” her. In other words, regardless of the topic, I frequently find that what a person wants isn’t so much advice, but, rather, just someone to listen to them. These situations are tough, though, I know. Sue

Sue, we were discussing this on my site. Why is it that some women come out of abuse strong and determined while others go on to be fragile and reluctant? I'm sure personality plays a part in this but is there some resounding quality that makes a difference that you might have noticed in your work?

My sister has blacked out most of our childhood while I remember every minute!

HI, Dianne, this is really a good and important question. You’re absolutely right. I mean, you take someone like Susan Smith, who was sexually abused by her step-father, and she drowned both her sons, while others have a wide range of “safer” reactions, as you mention. In a general way, it seems some turn their anger outward, while some turn it inward. Why this happens, I’m not sure, either.

The only thing I might mention is that a friend of mine, a clinical psychologist, seems to think that for those of us who seem, eventually, to work through it, also seem to have some creative outlet, some strong coping mechanism as children until we can get “real” help—usually as adults. For example, one way of creatively dealing with child abuse is to create “alter” personas. (I don’t really call them multiple personalities, but you know what I mean.) And/or other children maybe draw a lot. With me, even though I only really started writing as an adult, still, as a child, I envisioned the world and found “magic” in it in many sensory ways—ways that eventually evolved into writing. For me, this was a coping mechanism.

But then you ask why do some children have these coping mechanisms while others don’t? And while I wish I had an answer for this, I’m afraid I don’t! It may just be what you suggest: personality traits. Sorry, I wish I could offer more insight on this! Oh, I just have to say that my sister sounds a lot like yours! Sue

I began "coping" at an early age and started counting things. It turned into some strong OCD that I've managed to get a grip on but when I'm stressed, I count more.

Hi, Dianne, yes, I understand that kind of coping mechanism. I, too, could get totally involved with "things," anything not to feel or even notice my "real" life. Sue