REWIRING OUR ATTICS: Self-Knowledge

In my book, I explore self-knowledge as the discovering of my true core, my “root” self. Knowing the core of who I am…and knowing who I’m not! No longer allowing old lies and misinterpretations to define me. Knowing my own darkness and what wounds simmer there. Realizing there’s more to me than I ever imagined possible.

I need to know where I’ve been, in terms of knowing my deepest soul-scars and how I got them, and in terms of knowing my here and now, and how I got to be the me that I am. From that vantage point I can begin to envision where I’d like this me to be, further down the road, decide if that’s attainable and then determine what I need to make it happen.

While growing up, our lives were impacted by other people’s choices. Some of those choices detoured us from becoming all that we could be. But here and now, you are in control.

We may not be able to fix some of the irreparable consequences of past choices, but we can trust that life will move us on out of the wreckage if we choose to move with it. Right here, right now, it’s our choice which direction our lives take from this point onward. (But I acknowledge here that if you’re like me, “now” isn’t always possible in terms of starting new choices…although deferring the choice is also a choice…so when I say “now”, I also mean “when you know it’s time”.)

When it’s time to move out of the wreckage of our mangled thinking, it’s our knowing the truth about ourselves (our wounds and our possibilities) that will arm us for the journey. Truth is the ammunition we fling at the lies when they try to detour us. Knowing who I am, and who I’m not, and choosing to believe in my own possibilities will map me through any crossroads I come to on the journey out of that quicksand. Knowing my wounded self gives me the desire and power to choose the healthiest direction for that self and where it is I'm envisioning that self to be further down the road. What shields me against the old confusion and futility that used to immobilize me is my firm grasp on the core truth that I am loved unconditionally, that my life matters and that I have a unique niche and meaning in the world that only I can fill.

When I’m in the midst of the blinding confusion of depression, I might not be able to see that core truth, or feel worthy enough to believe it in the onslaught of old voices telling me otherwise. But having already steeped myself in that certainty during my good days, and knowing it to the core of my being, helps me to deliberately and automatically (even if it’s blindly) choose to believe in that truth now when I most need to have power against the despair that looms on my horizon.

For me personally, self-knowledge includes learning what my particular needs and limitations are. Were you aware, for example, that many of us who suffer depression require more “downtime” to process life and events going on around us? Some of us are innately wired to crave that alone time. We actually draw or recuperate our energy from that solitude. So much so that Eastern religions recognize meditation and solitude as essential necessities for stable health. Yet we often ignore that need to pull back, re-energize and recover our equilibrium. We feel guilty for “taking care of self”.

But I guarantee that some of us simply cannot afford to ignore our limitations. Because when we ignore those needs for too long, that’s when we begin to spiral into debilitating fatigue and inability, which then leads to that quicksand of mangled thinking, and on into full-blown despair and depression. I’ve learned the hard way that the consequences of ignoring my need to pull back are far more devastating than the inconvenience that I think I might cause if I don’t stay in the fray and “tough it out”.

That’s the power of self-knowledge. With each new self-revelation (e.g., I need to pull back in order to stay healthy and maintain a reliable energy level) and each new series of rewiring the attic (I am lovable and capable), we become more empowered to make better choices. We find ourselves more able and willing to define our own selves with healthy truth, instead of letting the old lies define – and destroy – us.

Truth loosens despair’s grip on us.

Self-knowledge becomes our map at the crossroads.

And compassion, for all that it’s taken for us to get to our “here and now”, becomes our candle in that blinding darkness and allows us to become our own most faithful companion-along-the-way.

I hope I'm not losing everyone...I really am going somewhere here. I don't NEED any response, but maybe it's time to check to see if there's anyone still actually with me here?

If you have any questions or other issues about depression you'd like to discuss, PLEASE don't by shy or afraid to change the direction here. I'm happy to go where the interest is...

oh, you're not losing anyone...

your words, Meredith's poem, much to absorb and ponder - lots to read but its good material.

quote:

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Originally posted by Eagle Heart:
REWIRING OUR ATTICS: Self-Knowledge

We feel guilty for “taking care of self”.

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I believe this to be true even for those who don't suffer from depression.

I have a bad habit of joining things, and wanting to be a "helper", and taking on too much - and then feeling guilty when I have to pull back and say No.

I am still learning my limits.

I live in a small area where the "volunteer pool" is constantly tapped out - I hate when guilt is used to try and manipulate people into staying on in things they've long worn themselves out with...

sorry.....I'll end now before I go of on my own personal rant.

I can guarantee you that you are not losing a soul. We're all reading your words, and digesting them. I am so guilty myself of overdoing, as Evie has said. Then, to add to it, I then beat MYSELF up for not being able to complete the bazillion goals or task I put before myself. Or volunteer to do.

So, I think the downtime is essential and very necessary. Even for people who don't think they need it! Mediation, prayer, just sitting quietly might be all one needs, but I have found by doing so, I am refreshed and more focused on the task at hand.

I personally like the follwing things for my downtime:

1. working jigsaw puzzles
2. Classical music
3. Prayer of course, or just reading scriptures
4. Reading something motivational

These are just a few. I love what you are giving us all to ponder Eagle, and I do love reading your book along with this. It makes it twice as enjoyable.

Meredith...the piece above is outstanding!

JJ

Evie, rant on...this is a good place to rant! And sometimes we find good stuff in those rants.

JJ, I LOVE doing jigsaw puzzles. But our house is too small and overcrowded. There's no place to set a puzzle up and leave it while I'm still working on it. A few years ago, we saw a really neat folding table designed especially for jigsaw puzzles. We really wanted to get it, but it was too expensive and we really have no space for it anywhere (there would be now if I didn't have 20 boxes of Eagle Born to Fly sitting in the basement!)

Anyway, that's exactly the kind of thing that I mean. Downtime doesn't necessarily mean prayer or meditation. It's a time for replenishing oneself, which could include doing any enjoyable thing that brings you pleasure.

Since my last breakdown, I've found it very difficult to laugh and have fun. It amazed me to discover how much I enjoyed the Harry Potter books. I would never have suspected that they would draw me in and bring so much pleasureable escape. The only problem with that is that she's on her last one...what will I do when the series is finished!

Anyway, thanks for the feedback. I realize there's a lot here to read and digest. I don't need hand-holding, but just wanted to check to make sure I wasn't putting everyone to sleep...

[ September 06, 2005, 11:46 PM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

Eagle,
Question. Do you find that you are obsessive about things and if you are, do you think it is a direct result of trying to go in the opposite direction of depression? Like forcing yourself to get involved with one activity (such as the Harry Potter books?) so you can focus on something that takes you away from the possible depression?

I have a tendency to go overboard with things and I have to work on myself to realize I don't HAVE to do these things. For instance, if I knit, I knit five sweaters, if I work a jigsaw puzzle, I do it in 2 days... if I write an article, I write 10 of them in three days... that kind of thing.

So I was wondering if part of your own therapy involved getting involved with something, such as the books, but also finding that you become obsessive about it.

JJ

JJ, what a great question! I would dare to say that you're right on with your suspicion that we go overboard in our frantic attempt to ward off another bout of depression.

While I'm not "diagnosably" obsessive, I do recognize that my fear of relapse and my diligence in not allowing myself to become depressed again might be why I have such a problem having fun and enjoying myself...because everything I set out to do for pleasure, I do precisely as an antidote to depression. So where's the fun in taking medicine, right?

Still, I guess it's my hope that "if I act enthusiastically" long enough, I will truly become enthusiastic. But I do personally have to find a balance between that fear of relapse and learning how to manage myself more realistically. And I have to learn how to relax into those activities more, so as to find the fun I'm supposed to be having! Doing a jigsaw puzzle in two days doesn't sound like fun, it sounds like yet another "should" in action. Know what I mean?

The thing about the HP books is that I started reading again as a "should" thing, to try and increase my repertoire of enjoyable things to do because that's what I ought to be doing, having fun, right? While I devoured books as a child, I had lost the ability to concentrate after my first major breakdown. The most I could read at one time was the occasional magazine article.

My nieces convinced me to try the HP books. I was skeptical, but the Harry Potter books took me completely by surprise by drawing me in and allowing me to totally escape, which hasn't happened since I was a child. It WAS enjoyable.

But that's not why I'm reading them for the third time...that's purely a memory thing. While reading the sixth book, it became foggy-clear how much I couldn't remember. So I'm re-reading the entire series again to try and connect the various references mentioned in the sixth book. Sigh. I'll probably have to do it again for the seventh book.

This memory thing is both a curse and a blessing! How many other people can read books or watch movies over and over again as if each time is the first time!

Dear Eagle Heart,

I'm so glad I finally have taken the time to read through these posts. I congratulate you on your wonderful words of wisdom. It helps to have the people around you understand some things you're going through.

I needed this today. I don't feel so alone.

Sherri

Sherri, I'm glad you're here. I've been reading your other posts about OCD...in a way, some of the information in that thread scared me a bit, because I could see some of those things in me, like music playing non-stop in my mind. In fact, since becoming aware of OCD many years ago, I have often wondered if I could be borderline, but it's never been serious enough for me to feel it necessary to get it checked out.

Interestingly enough, I had that non-stop music in my head all of my life until my Dad died in 1999. I haven't had it since. I kind of miss it, which means it probably wasn't OCD, right?

Any of the other similarities are very mild and seem to be more connected to my depression and anxiety than anything. They don't come close to being the nightmare that OCD is for you, and in fact almost completely disappear when the anxiety is under control.

If it's any consolation, I do understand the stigma and frustration of people just brushing it aside as something you ought to be able to "snap out of it"...been there too, heard it all. It doesn't matter. What matters is that we know that what we suffer is very real, very debilitating and very much a bona fide illness, as worthy of compassion and dignity as any other. If others won't give it to us, it's up to us to give that compassion and dignity to ourselves, and to gently but surely educate others as best we can.

You're doing that for me with your insights into OCD, and hopefully I'm doing the some of the same with these insights into depression.

REWIRING OUR ATTICS: Compassion

(This is the last of the long entries)

Although life doesn’t impact on everyone in the same way, most of us walk broken to some degree. We often grow up unaware of the “why” of our woundedness; we hide behind a semblance of normalcy and pretend we’re okay. But those wounds ooze out through our defensive behaviours and manifest themselves in the way we deal with life and people around us.

When we don’t have the knowledge or courage to name and manage the pain, it remains an unknown shadow, haunting from deep within us, frustrating us with its unsettling presence and frightening us when it oozes out at the most unexpected moments. The harder we try to hide and repress the oozing, the more fatigued and confused we become, opening the door to futility, burnout and depression.

When we know and understand better how those mangled thoughts first came to be planted inside of us, we can then begin to empower ourselves by forgiving ourselves for the woundedness behind those damaging words. Even if the circumstances surrounding the woundings were beyond our control and we didn’t do anything wrong to cause those wounds, there is still a good chance that we have been blaming ourselves in some way, especially if the damage occurred when we were children. Remember, when children don’t understand what’s happening to them or around them, they will often make up stories or create their own reasons, and usually to their own blame and detriment.

Guilt, blame, shame – believing that we are unlovable, bad, “damaged goods” and “beyond redemption” are the lies that have kept our truest selves hostage in the dark for so long.

Shining the light of truth on those lies diminishes their power over us.

Our own compassionate forgiveness frees us from the dismal prison of self-rejection and carries us beyond the reaches of those dangerous whispers that would have us believe that we’re forever unredeemable and worthless.

As we continue to rewire our attic - replacing negative self-talk with the truth of our meaning - and forgiving ourselves for being wounded (some use the word “weak”, but I prefer to call it what it is, wounded), we can dare to unmask the behaviours that we have been using to protect those wounds. Masking is reflexive - we mask our deepest soul-wounds in order to better cope with our confusion and pain. We use all kinds of behaviours, defence mechanisms and “bandages” (like drugs, food and alcohol, for example) to cushion us against the inner pain, as well as the external demands and realities that might otherwise further overwhelm us – family, marriage, school, work and social expectations. Sometimes, our defensive behaviours repulse us, making us feel even worse about ourselves, deafening us to the cry of the wounded child buried deep beneath those behaviours. But when we become aware of our woundedness, and realize that those behaviours have been shaped by our need to protect our deepest self from further injury, we can dare to feel compassion toward the wounded child who created those defences in the first place.

And once we’ve begun to experience the healing of our own understanding, forgiveness and compassion, we can then dare to embrace with love that deepest self.

I believe that one of the most compassionate, loving things we can do for ourselves is to become our own best friend. Think about it. Who better understands the deepest “why” of your woundedness? Who best understands why you are who you are…and who you yearn to be? Yet so often we shun ourselves in disgust.

But I firmly believe that no matter how hard and sincerely we search for companionship and comfort from others – God, spouse, best friends, doctors – until we become our own best friend, we will never experience the profound yearned-for depth of friendship in anyone else. I will go so far as to suggest that we can’t authentically love anyone else, including God, if we can’t also love our own self.

It has been my experience, since my epiphany of possibility in the ICU that morning 20 years ago, that the more I’m able to embrace my self with compassionate forgiveness and love, the more capable I am of loving and receiving love from others, including God.

Truth shines possibility into our lostness.

Self-knowledge continues to map us through our crossroads.

Compassion empowers us to love our wounded self back to life.