My husband's first wife had an affair with his best friend! Talk about painful, a double whammy. Then, get this, when my husband's oldest son was getting married, this jerk made a pass at me! I didn't tell my husband until we were back home. I didn't want any bad feelings for him at the wedding.

Norma,
I'm with you. I don't know if I could ever trust anyone enough to re-tie the knot...

Wow, I'm really glad my question about marriage counseling sparked a new topic and so many responses!! Alot of interesting experiences out there. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but our marriage counselor was seeing my husband before this, as HIS counselor. Of course, this was my original idea, because I felt this was the last shot to get him "straightend out." I think maybe that she might not want to get down on him too much because of this. There are times when I really think that he needs to hear certain things, and she just sits there. Lately, my husband has been much better, but I get afraid to trust him again, because I have done that already, and been so destroyed mentally when things go back again. As far as her education level, she has a PH.d in Psychology, so that certainly is there! I asked him last week if he thought this was helping, and he said "yes" so of course I don't want to discourage him from going anymore if he thinks that it is helping. It is very confusing! Mer

chatty, you mention selfishness. BINGO! In my opinion selfishness is the root of most destroyed marriages. One can not be married and be selfish.

Sometimes people manage to stay married to a selfish person, but they are miserable.

Another avenue to try is to work with a certified Neuro Linguistic Programming Professional. Where counselors, oftentimes, want to cuss and discuss the past and the negative, an NLP Professional will take you through exercises to help you heal and move forward. And the change is instant, on a subconscious level, so you'll start to see improvement right away. It might be well worth a try.

Thought I would throw in my two cents...from a licensed psychologist's viewpoint. Being licensed (as a psychologist or marriage & family therapist, or social worker) is a start...at least the state is playing big brother to some extent and renewing licenses usually requires continuing education in most states (and you have a means to turn them in if they do something unethical). But then, be sure the counselor specializes in marriage counseling. Couples work is very specialized.

Now, some of my own views of when marriage counseling doesn't work.

First, if there are issues around alcohol/drug dependency or abuse and/or domestic violence issues, couples work is NOT recommended. I nor none of my colleagues would see a couple for marriage counseling until both have been clean and sober AT LEAST 6 months AND in a Recovery Program or had had at least one year of voluntary domestic violence treatment (court ordered treatments are a waste of time).

Second, one person is often dragging the other in...this NEVER works. We have no magic, we don't "therapize" people who are not interested in changing. We can't nag someone into behaving better any more than you can. In fact, your spouse on some level CARES about you, which means he MIGHT be receptive to your nagging (still not a good idea!) And it is rarely a good idea to for couples work to be done by a therapist who has seen either of them individually...allegiances or the hint of them have already been formed.

Third. About the therapist being active. There are many recommendations that can be made about better communication, activities that nourish a marriage, and teaching conflict resolution skills. Progress depends not on how active the therapist is but how active the COUPLE is in following up on recommendations and doing their homework. Marriage counseling is NOT about who is right and who is wrong (that's Judge Judy!). It's about each person owning their own stuff and going about changing it.

Fourth. Counselors should not and do not take sides. If we confront one half of the couple, we usually come up with an equal confrontation for the other half. (Alcohol, drug, and abuse issues are the exception.)

Fifth. Keep at it. In the most difficult cases, I will work with a couple a year or two to make significant progress.

Sixth: For not too badly damaged relationships, programs like Marriage Encounter can be very helpful or a Couples Communication Class.

And Last: Working on YOUR half of the marriage in individual or group counseling can sometimes be just as effective as couples counseling. Remember, I said YOUR half, not HIS half.

Good luck to all of you who are making an effort to find help.

I believe the only human being we will ever really know, is our 'self'. No matter how well we think we know our significant other, there is always a part of them that remains theirs alone. Within the closest of couples, each person has an individual personality, an individual self, individual needs, aspirations, individual demons.

As a couple grows, and matures, the possibility exists that they may grow apart. The possibility also exists for one or the other to fall victim to self-regrets, insecurities, self-doubts, none of which have a thing to do with their partner. Completely self-involved issues, may lead many to behavior unimagined, by their partner.

The only person over whom we have control, and can be certain of, as to thoughts, feelings or actions, is our 'self'. We are the only human beings we will ever truly, completely know...

http://www.intouchwithjeannine.com

OK another topic I can weigh in on today--I love it! My husband and I went to marriage counseling--first time around he walked out because they were 'picking' on him. 5 years later I left him because I couldn't take it anymore. He went alone for almost a year, then we started counseling together and eventually put the marriage back together.

Unfortunately within 3 months of being released from the counselor he started sliding right back into his old ways.

Now 12 years later I know the truth. He had told the counselor he had a problem with porn. Turns out it was gay porn and child porn. the counselor made an assumption that since he was married it was 'straight' porn that was the problem. He never let on, gave the answers that were necessary to get me back, played the good guy and everyone bought it.

I think personally counseling can be helpful--if both parties are truly honest. I know that on a personal level counseling helped me to better understand and in turn how to better react/not react to him.

Unfortuately/fortunately now that I really know what's going on....I'm not staying around!

Hope this helps....

startingover, your mention of being honest with counselors is huge. If someone is a liar (and I hate to refer to anyone that way)they'll lie to anyone, including the minister. Isn't that sad?

I feel badly for the honest women who really want to work at their marriages, but their dishonest, or selfish men aren't interested.

Karen and Jeannine, thanks for your words. I'm sure they will be helpful to all who read them.

bookchick, tell us more. This is the first I've heard of this.