I have to apologize for not being very active here for the past day or two. I've hit another one of my severe energy drops...they don't happen very much anymore, but when they do, they literally "drop" me, like a balloon that's been completely deflated.

So I'm going to take tomorrow off to spend some "downtime", trying to rest and replenish. We already have a "lunch & play" date planned with our 4-1/2 year old granddaughter, which can be either downtime or an energy drain, or both! But she knows when I'm too tired to play, I just can't, and will often let my lay down on her bed while she "reads" to me. So it will be a shared downtime.

Anyway, I'll be back on Monday. But keep trying these various tests...there are a lot more out there (just try Googling "color test".) Most seem fun and harmless. As long as you stay focused on who YOU know yourself to be and not let them confuse or define you against your better instincts.

Evie, I redid the Aura Colours test, and the crystal fits me to a T. Blue was second, and Sensitive Tan was third, so you and I have pretty much the same colour scheme.

But before I go...this is my all-time favourite “God-moment”. This really happened about 30 years ago when I was working as a camp counselor at a residential children’s camp. Some may scoff and question all they want, but it still brings a surge of delight and joy to my heart to remember it. In my book I call it “The Last Word”.


It was still dark. And way too early. And bitterly cold.

I groaned into my pillow as I thought of the long walk down the path from the cabin to the kybo (Camp Quin-Mo-Lac’s word for bathroom). How I longed to stay snuggled up in my nice warm sleeping bag. But the call of Mother Nature was too persistent and dragged me out of bed.

I stumbled down the dark dirt path, still groggy and half-asleep, and finally made it to the girl’s bathroom. I must have dozed off in there because when I came back out, light was beginning to touch the horizon. The sounds of dawn so sweetened the morning air on my walk back along that path, that when I got back to the cabin, I decided to just sit on the steps for a moment longer.

The birds twittered and sang back and forth to each other, the trees rustled gently all around me, and the loon on the distant lake trilled its comforting presence.

The morning dew sparkled like diamonds on the air, splintering light through the spider webs spun into the tall grasses just across the path from me.

The morning rippled and shimmered with quiet splendor and whispered good morning deep into my heart as I sat there, soaking in the glory and beauty of watching this new day come to life.

Finally, I tiptoed back into the cabin and snuggled down into my warm sleeping bag. Just as my eyes closed, I whispered, "Thanks, God, for letting me see all that.”

And without missing a heartbeat, as clear as the morning sky outside my window, He whispered back, "I just wanted to be the first to wish you a Happy Birthday.”

WARNING SIGNS AND SIGNPOSTS: Part 1 of 2: TRIGGERS

Excerpt from Chapter 10

“The morning after the overdose became the dividing line in my life. Although it didn’t make an immediate and obvious difference to all outward appearances, deep within me there has always been a clear delineation. I liken life before the overdose as having lived in perpetual Good Friday mode. Life after the overdose has been more like living in Resurrection mode.

Despite the life-altering epiphany of possibility that morning, it was still a long, uphill struggle trying to climb far enough out of that hellhole to feel safe again. For a while it seemed that for every positive step I made forward, I slid two or three steps back. And always in the back of my mind was the fear of sliding all the way back there.

Dr. Reynolds [my awesome psychiatrist at the hospital] was honest with me when I asked him about the statistical possibility of sliding back. He told me that people who go in as deep as I did rarely make it back. And those that do make it out rarely stay out. I remember him telling me that he hadn’t seen anybody come back as fast, as healthy and as whole as I seemed to have. So, it was understandable that from the beginning, both of us were somewhat skeptical that I could stay out indefinitely.

But Dr. Reynolds gave me an incredible gift during that shaky time of my recovery. He gave me my own set of "signposts" for my roadmap. Like those little markers at the crossroads that tell you which road will take you where, there were warning signs to watch for that would indicate that I was beginning to cross into dangerous territory – and he drilled it into me that as soon as I saw any of those particular warning signs on my horizon to seek help immediately before I spiralled too far down.”


This “signpost” imagery continues to be a valuable tool for managing my depression. Most of us know the typical warning signs of depression. But many of us have our own unique set of trigger points and warning signs that we need to watch for. Today I’ll talk about trigger points, and then we’ll talk about warning signs tomorrow.

I’ve become keenly aware of my triggers, which helps me to do what I need to do to PREVENT the onslaught of worsening symptoms. I’ve learned that there are three things I need to keep in healthy balance. When any one of these falters, I falter. When all three are out of balance at the same time, I completely lose my equilibrium and crash. They are such simple basic facets of my being, and yet require my diligence in keeping them all in balance.

Healthy Diet: when I landed in hospital in 1984, I was 29 and weighed 97 pounds. Part of that was due to being too poor to be able to afford groceries. But part of it was that anxiety made swallowing food almost impossible at times. After several visits with nutritionists, I learned that while everyone else around me might be experimenting with fad diets, I MUST stay true to what MY body needs, and that is a well-balanced variety of foods, including carbs, fats, and even sweets. Everything in moderation and balance. Lowering carbs is dangerous for me. So this is another area of my being where my self-knowledge comes in! To know myself well enough to know what foods bring energy, clarity of mind, and even enjoyment and comfort (yes, even chocolate, ice cream and home-made cookies). Discipline, balance and moderation…it’s what works for me and my body that keeps me healthy both physically AND mentally.

Adequate Rest: It took me a long time to determine that my need for nine hours sleep every night was legitimate, and not laziness. For whatever reason, it’s clear now that my body NEEDS that sleep in order to be able to function properly. I was severely sleep-deprived when I crashed in February 2002. It took weeks of round-the-clock sleep to pay back all of that lost sleep. It wasn’t until I acknowledged my need for nine hours EVERY night that my fuel tank stopped being empty all the time.

Minimal Stress: We’ve seen the warnings on the damage to our bodies that persistent stress can do. For some of us, stress devastates our mental health as well. This is where that recognition of the need for “downtime” comes in. Knowing when it’s time to pull myself back out of the ebb and flow until I can catch my breath and regain my equilibrium. I dare to say here that the severity of my “mangled thinking” is directly proportionate to how stressed I am. When I minimize my stress (meditation, music, doing things that bring me energy and enjoyment), my mangled thinking becomes manageable…less stress gives me greater clarity of mind.

***********

This is getting long again, so I’ll stop here.

But how about you? Do you know what your own trigger points are? What things to avoid and what things to include in your life?

Eagle,

So glad to see you back on here and hope your energy has returned somewhat. Love today's post and like alcoholics, we have to know the "triggers" that lead to melt-down. It's even worse when you're fighting depression AND an addictive nature (alcohol, etc.). I am just now getting to the point where I can even try and discover triggers but have seen in the past, leading up to melt-down and trying to pinpoint things I said up to that point, I know that lack of light in my life, especially SAD can lead to many down days for me. I also know that too much stress and anxiety will push me over the edge and is something I'm now trying to work on.

The program I'm participating in has provided me with a wonderful counsellor and a life coach, which have both brought many blessings to me. I start in group therapy tonite for 12 weeks and the request is for you to bring your spouse, significant other and/or support person with you. It's basically to broaden their horizons into depression and anxiety and also give them a group to discuss things that drive them crazy about us....

I'm both hesitant and glad to have a group of similar people to discuss things with....hesitant in the fact that I have always kept my problems pretty much to myself (heck, I wouldn't even cry in front of my parents when I was a kid!) but also glad to hear someone else's story in that I'm not alone.

I look forward to the other segments of information you'll be sharing before the end of the month and will be truly sorry to see this discussion end.

Hugs,

Mary

Thank you so much Mary for your continuing encouragement! It means a lot.

My energy level is still very low, but I think this one is hormonal. Even hubby noticed the sudden drop the other day and told me that my period must be due, and he was right...LOL...when and how did he get to know my body better than I do! My periods have been bad lately, but this one really took the wind out of my sails!

Mary, I forgot to mention SAD...Seasonal Affective Disorder. That's a definite trigger for me too, and probably for many other people here as well. That change from long summer daylight to shorter days and long fall shadows can be devastating for some of us. This week and next week will be very tough for me personally...very hard to roll out of that bed in the mornings. But knowing what it is is half the battle. I do allow myself to stay in bed "just a little longer" these mornings (that's one of the ways I apply a little "compassion" to myself). But I have very good self-discipline now, forcing myself to get up, have a good healthy breakfast, and getting outside to enjoy some of that crisp fall sunlight during the day.

Mary, that support group sounds so appealing! I would love to have something like that. I looked for one here, but couldn't find anything. It was partly out of that searching that I found BWS, so it in a way, I guess I did find something even better than what I was looking for! Still, I'm interested in hearing back from you how it went.

[ September 26, 2005, 02:48 PM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

Eagle, thank you for sharing your best God moment! I think it would be really cool to hear other people's favorite God moments also. Has it ever been done before on BWS?

Daisygirl

Hi Daisy, I don't know if it's ever been done, but I agree that sharing our best/favourite God moments is a great idea. Why don't you start a new thread over in the Blessings/Joy forum (I would invite you to do it here, but I've only got 4 days left as the FA before it's someone else's turn...and something tells me your idea will be a popular one...we'll need more than 4 days for it!) I can re-post mine if we need to get the thread rolling...

WARNING SIGNS AND SIGNPOSTS: Part 2 of 2: WARNING SIGNS

I’m going to quote Lynn Tolson for the first part here, because she said it so well, I couldn’t possibly say it better:

“Everyone can relate to having “the blues” on a bad day, when the weather is gloomy, the traffic is tied up, and business and/or children make impossible demands. Anyone can associate a night without sleep to a day without energy. However, when feeling down persists month after month, it’s time to consider the possibility of clinical depression. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (http://www.nimh.nih.gov) depression can occur at any age and affects almost 10 percent of American adults. Research indicates that the risk of depression exists with an interaction of difficult life events and a genetic predisposition.

The symptoms of depression include:
Restlessness, irritability
Appetite and/or weight changes
Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
Persistent sad, anxious, or empty mood
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
Decreased energy, fatigue, being slowed down
Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts
Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies & activities that were once enjoyed

If five or more symptoms are present daily for two weeks or more, then it may be time to have an evaluation for depression.”


In addition to any or all of these symptoms, many of us will have our own warning signs. Two of my key "signposts" are two symptoms that I discussed way back at the beginning of this forum: Mangled Thinking and Self-Ostracism.

Mangled Thinking: After years of battling chronic low-grade depression, I’ve learned to recognize when my mangled thinking has crossed the threshold between what’s normal for me and what’s dangerous for me. When all of my thinking begins to be tangled up in negative pessimism, raging self-hatred, profound inconsolable sadness and a persistent sense of futility about everything, I know I’m treading on dangerous ground. That’s when I know my need to get into see my doctor and talk about going back on anti-depressants and/or resuming therapy.

Self-Ostracism: These days I am a natural hibernator. I enjoy puttering around my home, embrace my solitude, and cherish living life at my own VERY SLOW pace. I don’t feel unhealthily alone or isolated, and despite lingering problems with anxiety, can get myself out and about as necessary. Self-ostracism takes this hibernation TOO far. When the solitude is edgy and unfriendly, or my reluctance to go out, even for a walk in the sunshine, is tinged with fear and overwhelming persistent anxiety, then I know it’s no longer something I can ignore. Again, it’s time for me to seek treatment.

The thing I most want to emphasize in this entire discussion on depression is how critical self-knowledge becomes in our ability to manage our depression. Not all episodes of depression will be self-manageable! Our minds and bodies will go beyond our reach, requiring medication and/or therapy to help us find our way back out. But getting to know our limitations, our trigger points and our warning signs – our unique thresholds – helps us to get help BEFORE we spiral too far down. If I begin taking anti-depressants BEFORE I hit rock bottom, my depression tends to be short-lived and much less severe. And if I can get myself into therapy BEFORE the mangled thinking gets me too deeply entangled, I can often avoid even having to take the medication. I know that about myself now. I know how liberating being pro-active is for me. It makes a huge difference in how deep I DON’T fall now when depression haunts me again.

Add to that SELF KNOWLEDGE our old friends TRUTH and COMPASSION, we have within ourselves a valuable tool kit with which we can adequately and capably prevent our bouts with depression from totally debilitating and mangling our deepest Self.

I hate SAD and it came early to me this year.

Sherri,
It hit me hard this past week. With hormones kicking up a storm and stormy skies to match here, the days have been dark and draggy. It's amazing what a difference the sunlight makes...it's shining here today, and my energy is up significantly. Do you find that too? Are you worse on the cloudy days and better on sunny days?

At this time of year, I HAVE to take naps...I have no choice, my body won't let me go through the day without them. They're just mini naps, about 7-15 minutes each. I can't function through an entire winter's day without at least 2, sometimes even 3 of them. I get up early in the morning, then have a 7-10 minute mid-morning nap, then another slightly longer one mid-afternoon. Sometimes I have to lie down for 10 minutes after supper.

Funny, if I try napping like this in the summer, I have insomnia. But then I don't need naps in the summer. But in the fall/winter, taking 2-3 naps like that doesn't affect my night sleep. And if I don't take them, I just become so debilitated by fatigue I can barely move.

I used to feel that craving for a nap when I was still working, but a 5-minute catnap at my desk after lunch would normally do the trick. But not anymore. It's a real blessing to have the freedom now to nap whenever my body crashes.