Thanks for your answer, Eagle, as you knew what I was talking about earlier.

My question to everyone, including Eagle, was had anyone faced not being able to work while fighting such deep depression. Like Eagle, I've been fighting it for over 3 years now and finally had to give up working in March of this year. In April, I spiraled out of control and hit rock-bottom. It was both a physical and mental spiral for me. I was able to draw unemployment for 4 months before it ended but that was a surprise because I'd been told I could draw it till Nov. I know I don't have the attention span to go back to work now, or in the near future, and am not sure what to do. Hubby does work a decent job but we also bought a house this summer, on the pretense I'd have unemployment till this fall.

Has anyone else faced this issue, and if so, what did you do? I'm presently applying for CPP disability and am picking up the paperwork for this on Thurs. Eagle, you said this doesn't count toward government help when it's a mental illness, did you look into CPP?

I'm presently in an excellent mind-body-spirit program for mood disorders and am seeing an excellent mood disorder specialist but we're trying to get meds right, which is such a trial & error thing. I'm just now weaning off one that made me so agitated that I could bite anything's head off and hopefully the next one will be better. The counsellors I'm seeing are great and the program is a fairly new one but so far, I'm happy with it all.

Eagle, like you, I could always express myself in the written word better than face-to-face and did take creative writing courses when I went back to college in my 40's. So, maybe there's an avenue.....who knows.

Look forward to discussing this further with ya'll. Oh, I almost forgot.....Eagle, I couldn't draw any type of social assistance if I could as my hubby sponsored me to become a landed immigrant here in Canada and part of that agreement is that he takes care of me and I don't draw assistance (social, that is).

Hugs,

Mary

Kygal, I have all the paperwork for CPP, but ran into two snags. First, because I wasn't depressed anymore, my doctor couldn't put that down as the diagnosis. And she told me that her experience has been that whenever she has indicated "chronic fatigue", the CPP office rejects the application and sends it back for further "significant" proof, which is virtually impossible for CFS. She gave me the name and number of a local CFS specialist who would do all the necessary testing that CPP requires, and give me that official diagnosis, but I was NEVER able to get through to that specialist. Nobody ever answered the phone there, despite weeks of trying, some days ALL DAY. And I double-checked the phone number. All I ever reach is their answering machine which doesn't accept messages.

The second problem is that I apparently should have submitted the application two years ago, right after my medical leave expired. From what I gather, I've missed the window for application.

In short, it's too much hassle, and my hubby just told me to forget it for now. So much for the great Canadian health system, eh?

LIFE AS AN INF (Introvert Intuitive Feeler): Part 2 of 3

(For background info on Myers-Briggs, please see *** at the end of this post)

Excerpts from Chapter 19

Through extensive reading and research, I managed to discover that my particular personality type, Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling (INF), is relatively rare, especially in Western culture. What that means is that the majority of people around me view and interpret the world in the total opposite way that I do...primarily through extroverted logic. Which doesn’t make my perspective wrong, it just makes it very different. And we all know that "different" isn’t easily understood or acceptable to those who are members of the comfortable majority.

My perspective on life comes from an innately emotion-based intuitiveness. Most people approach the events and world around them in a more physically concrete, analytical and logical way, which would make me appear to them to be coming from a strange left field with whacked-out emotionalism that would look out of sync with the logical norm. That is exactly how I had come to view my own self and the way I interacted (and reacted) in social situations. It would explain so much about the uncomfortable reactions of others to my emotion-based contributions to those early-years’ philosophical coffee-table discussions.

Dr. Q helped me to see that my way of interpreting my world isn’t wrong or flawed; it’s just different, coming from a less familiar, but just as valid, perspective than the majority of people around me. In order to process my world and the life events that touch my world, to identify and analyze their impact and implications, I’m wired to require – instinctively crave – internal (introverted) time…solitude. Time in which it appears I’m doing nothing, when in fact, my mind is channelling the information through my interpretation process.

All this time when I saw this craving for solitude to be a major socially crippling flaw, it in fact had always been my most powerful gift to others. It is what had enabled me to listen beyond words to people’s hearts, to empathize with their pain, to understand their silence when their pain was too deep to speak. My chameleon skills had actually been a gift to others, in that I was able to become present to their entire “being”, tuning not only into their words, but into their underlying pain and need for compassionate, listening presence.

Ironically, the very qualities that I most loved about myself had come from the very places I had most despised about myself and from within the character traits that had most baffled me. It was precisely the craved-for solitude that was empowering my profound desire (and ability) to become whatever someone in need most needed me to be for them at any given time.

My unique gifts of deep presence, compassion and heart-felt listening to others were coming from those deepest roots within me, which made those places akin to sacred ground.


*******

*** References for Myers-Briggs Personality Type

A fairly simple explanation of Myers-Briggs: http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/tt/t-articl/mb-simpl.htm

A more detailed explanation (and quick test): http://www.personalitypathways.com/type_inventory.html

It’s best to take the long, official MBTI® ( Myers-Briggs Type Indicator ) test from a qualified professional. Most psychiatrists/psychologists or career counsellors should be able to administer it. To take the “quick” version of the Myers-Briggs test: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm

For a comprehensive explanation of different types: http://typelogic.com/infj.html

For more info, simply type “Myers-Briggs” into any search engine and start browsing the results.

[ September 22, 2005, 10:38 AM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

I was thinking that this little example might help to illustrate the “giftedness” that an Introverted Intuitive (INF) can bring to the workplace…your circumstances and opportunity to exercise your own giftedness will differ, but hopefully you can get a sense that we quiet, introverted types ARE valid and bring significant wisdom to the company. I certainly didn’t see it that way at the time…perhaps if I had seen my work contribution as valid and “gift”, I would have been able to take better care of that gift (me) and not allow myself to burn out.

Anyway, I was the computer network administrator for a small company, looking after 75 computers and all the related paraphernalia…printers, servers, cables, software, user training, maintenance, troubleshooting and repairs. It was a very demanding job, physically and mentally, entailing long hours (including way too much unpaid overtime) of running up and down several flights of stairs in order to meet the constant demands for help.

As many of you know, troubleshooting computers can be irksome and baffling. Even with years of training and certification, determining the specific problem was still often more a “Sherlock Holmes” treasure hunt than a straightforward fix. I loved it, thrived on it. But one thing I learned very quickly is that users didn’t like being forced to wait while I sat there tinkering with their computers. So I had to find creative ways to problem-solve their computer’s idiosyncrasies without actually sitting at that computer. I did find a way that worked well, and became very good at my job, able to sit down at a user’s computer, go directly to the right dialogue box and fix the problem. My boss raved about my ability to do that so quickly, and praised me for minimizing user downtime.

Then one day he called me into his office and had a “talk” with me. Apparently one of the section managers, whose office was right next to mine, had spoken to my boss, concerned about the amount of time I spent “gazing out my window”. So my boss asked me why, with such an overwhelming workload, would I waste precious company time just staring out the window?

I explained to him that while I appeared to be gazing out the window, in fact I was troubleshooting someone’s computer. I was mentally sorting through the various possible causes for the problem, and for each cause, I would research and implement in my mind the solution; then I would analyze all possible impacts of that solution on the rest of the computer system. Often, by doing so, I would realize that the solution wasn’t going to be the most viable one. So then I’d begin all over again, until I found the one solution that would have the least impact on the rest of the system, and entail the least amount of downtime for the user. When I was satisfied that I had the correct solution, I would run through all the steps in my mind, or if possible, on my own computer, so that when I sat down at the user’s computer, I knew exactly where to go, what to do and how long it would take.

So my “staring out the window” was how I was able to deliver the very service that my boss had been raving about and praising me for all these months. He was impressed, and never questioned my window-gazing again.

[ September 21, 2005, 10:35 AM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

had spoken to my boss, concerned about the amount of time I spent “gazing out my window”.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Oh Eagle,

I can so relate to this.....I somehow feel that you've lived part of my life. I had the same type of experience at a workplace but didn't have quite as understanding a boss or co-worker and their inability to "listen" led to my resignation. But, in what you've shared and helped me see is the ability to accept WHY it happened and also why I reacted to it the way I did. Thank you so much for this!

I took the Myers-Briggs test about 13 years ago, when I lost my job in a steel mill and then went to work in a dislocated workers center, but also went through the training to be re-employed. At that time, I tested an introvert-extrovert but this is probably because I was coming off 15 years of working in a steel mill with a predominantely male workforce (and having to stand up for my rights..<g>). I'm going to go back and see how I score now and this will give me another avenue to discuss with my counsellor.

I can also relate to your post today about craving solitude and running through things in your mind, as well as soulfully feeling someone else's feelings and hurts. When my hubby & I were conversing over the computer, when we first met, I would totally blow him away when I would ask him why he was pondering something, yet he was 800 miles away. It was just something I felt, definitely not something I could physically see. I could always do that with my youngest son, as well, just "feel" when something was bothering him in his heart.....but he was always my soul-mate as he was growing up. I know that my oldest son always saw that as a threat to him, that I didn't love him as much, and it wasn't something I could explain, but now maybe I can find some words of assurance for him. Thank you again!

Hugs,

Mary

Kygirl,
I took my first Myers-Briggs test in 1982, two months before my first massive breakdown. The results were very wishy-washy...none of the personality typing was definitive enough to give me a solid personality type. I thought it was because I was well-rounded and balanced, but the person who administered the test was worried about what she saw as a disturbing lack of self definition.

The last time I took the test was after my 2002 breakdown. The results were staggeringly different. 100% introvert. 100% intuitive. 100% feeling. (The J and P were too equal to call).

One thing that used to happen whenever I would take those kinds of tests it that I tended to answer what I thought was most right or preferable, rather than what was most me. There is no right or wrong in these kinds of tests, but for some reason, I tended to choose what I WISHED I was, rather than what I actually was. So the results would come out skewed and never quite matched the real me. But of course, I didn't know who that was anyway back then, so didn't recognize the skewedness as that "disturbing lack of self definition"!

That's so awesome how you're able to "feel" your son and hubby like that. I used to, but the chronic fatigue (and continuing grief over losing my Mom) made feeling other peoples' discomforts and ponderings too overwhelming, so I shut it down. But since being here, even that is changing, for the better and healthier. Maybe it has to do with my ability to pace myself better and know when it's time to pull back BEFORE I'm overwhelmed and drained.

LIFE AS AN INF (Introvert Intuitive Feeler): Part 3 of 3
(For background info on Myers-Briggs, please see *** at the end of this post)

Excerpts from Chapter 19

My INF (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling) epiphany hasn’t made it any easier to get along "out there," because I’m always going to feel like a fish swimming against the tide. But this new self-understanding has the potential to liberate me from the negative self-reproach (and self-loathing) that has kept the real me buried for so long.

I’m now free to clear away the cobwebs of confusion and self-misinterpretation as a social misfit, and choose to define myself with the truth of who I really am. While I don’t like labels, and see this one as yet one more tool in my quest for self-knowledge, I do find some comfort and validation within my legitimate INF-ness. It may not ever be possible for me to feel "normal" because I don’t – can’t - interpret life in the same logical way that the majority of people around me do.

I do see the same things as everyone else sees, but I’m also able to envision past the immediate effect of the events and understand the potential impact and implications of those same events as they affect people’s minds, hearts and emotional well-being, not only in the here and now, but perhaps even more significantly, further down the road. I see patterns and possibilities. I listen beyond the words and feel the anxious heartbeat, look beyond the shuttered eyes and detect an aching anguish, envision beyond today’s decisions and actions and glimpse tomorrow’s consequences and impact.

There is no right or wrong in this Myers-Briggs theory. No one personality type is “more right or legitimate” than another. We’re ALL vital pieces of the puzzle.

I can no longer deny that I am who I am. I no longer fight against who I am. I am innately wired to cope and function in the world through my Introverted Intuitive Feeling filter. My view of life and how everything is connected by the ripple effect is rooted in that INF core of who I am.

But while the INF perspective is valid, legitimate, and innately good - and when used wisely, brings a much-needed gift to the world - the unfortunate reality is that INF’s are easily misunderstood. We do baffle others around us. And you know how people react when baffled by others. So we often need to more clearly deliberate and define within our own selves our gifts of intuition and visionary presence, or we get lost in other people’s misunderstanding of us and may find ourselves sucked into those misfit feelings of not belonging anywhere.

There’s not a whole lot of affirmation available out there for those of us who are INF types. We have to acknowledge that we are not easily understood by others, even those closest to us. So, often, we Introverted Intuitive types have to learn how to become the primary source of our own validation, to give to our own selves the affirmation and validation that we need and seek from others.

Once again, self-knowledge becomes our best ally and defence against doubt and insecurity. We need to better define our own selves as valid contributors to society in such a way that we become steeped in and empowered by our own new definition of self and are able to declare for ourselves our rightful niche while interacting out there.

You all know that I’m still rewiring my attic. It takes a long time to rewrite those ancient internal dialogues. Forty-plus years of mangled thinking, of telling myself that I’m abnormal, stupid, a social moron, loser and could never fit in anywhere means that I have to completely change my thinking, re-envision my giftedness, claim my rightful niche in this world, and then more compassionately redefine my own self. I know now that I can no longer rely on others to provide the affirmation I yearn for, that it has to come primarily from within my own compassionate understanding of myself.

And I have to use my self-knowledge to protect my own self from further burn-out and breakdown. I have to use my understanding of my craving for downtime to more carefully protect my solitude. It’s difficult to find that time-out when loved ones keep tugging at our heart-sleeves. It’s a personal balance that each one of us struggles to find. But we must allow ourselves to claim that need for balance, and declare our craving for solitude as a legitimate, healthy and crucial need to be answered. I’m getting much better at making more realistic choices as to where and when to pour myself out, and can sense now when it’s time to stop, pull back and just be.

I know now that finding my balance and claiming my need to pull back is critical for me. If I’m going to be able to clearly envision my own giftedness and niche in the world (i.e., keep myself in that “ebb and flow”), especially during those times when the sirens of depression threaten to steal it away with their lies of not belonging anywhere, there is no denying that my self-knowledge and compassionate understanding become my most powerful allies in my resolve to make the healthiest choices.

Understanding my core self- in my case, my INF-ness - and my innate need for adequate solitude, and then daring to live within my own balance, will ensure that I have enough energy and empowerment to claim my niche, and to be a valid and valuable gift to the world.


*****************

*** References for Myers-Briggs Personality Type

A fairly simple explanation of Myers-Briggs: http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/tt/t-articl/mb-simpl.htm

A more detailed explanation (and quick test): http://www.personalitypathways.com/type_inventory.html

It’s best to take the long, official MBTI® ( Myers-Briggs Type Indicator ) test from a qualified professional. Most psychiatrists/psychologists or career counsellors should be able to administer it. To take the “quick” version of the Myers-Briggs test: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm

For a comprehensive explanation of different types: http://typelogic.com/infj.html

For more info, simply type “Myers-Briggs” into any search engine and start browsing the results.

Well, can you believe that we've only got a week left in September?! I've put out a LOT of long posts here in the Featured Author thread this month, and I thank you for your patience and interest in plowing through all that stuff. The feedback has been tremendous and heartwarming.

There's still a week left, but I don't have anymore of those long organized posts to offer. So I'm going to open the floor up and invite you to post questions, or suggest topics of interest that you'd like to see discussed here, whether out of the book or not, or to share your own stories of depression, past or current.

There are a lot of people walking in darkness, not only "out there", but right here in BWS. It can be a lonely place to be. Sometimes it helps ease the loneliness just to talk about it in a safe environment like this with others who know what you're going through. I know it feels risky to put your heart and soul in print. But sometimes we see light in our own words where we never glimpsed light before. So feel free to write about your lostness here.

I will post some of my poetry to fill in the gaps here and there, but will let your questions and sharings map what direction we take over the remaining week.

[ September 22, 2005, 01:47 PM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]