Continuing with the Faith Connection

Excerpt from Chapter 1
[Background: this was 1968 and I was 13; this was the very first of a lifelong series of life-changing dreams]

“I had sunk into a miserable despair, firmly believing to the core of my being that nobody cared and that everyone would be glad when I was gone. Every thought from that moment on was about how to get rid of myself.

I thought of running away, but had no place to go. Even as I went about my daily routines and chores, these dark thoughts consumed me. I’m not sure how long I stayed on the edge of that death wish, but when my beloved Nana died at Christmas that same year, it plunged me into an overwhelming accumulation of grief and loss.

The death of Susan [my baby sister], Nana, my Papa Lewis, and my niche in the world all blended into one monstrous anguish. I became inconsolably sad, crying myself to sleep every night for weeks. I ached for a way out.

Then came the dream:

St. Peter came and woke me up out of bed to take me on a tour of Heaven. He opened many doors and showed me many rooms that night, but to this day I can only remember the last room. This "room" had no walls, floor or ceiling. It was just there, infinitely blue and holy. Right in front of me, I saw Jesus hanging on a huge dirty, splintery cross. Two large crystal wine goblets sat under each of His hands and a third one below His feet. The goblets were catching the blood that was dripping out of His wounds. Blood streaked down His face, but His eyes were clearly visible, and to this day, I remember the clarity and intensity of those eyes.

He raised His head and looked right into my own eyes and said, "I love you. Do you know that I love you?" I nodded, and He asked me again. "Do you really know that I love you?" I nodded, and He asked a third time. "Do you believe with all your heart that I love you?" This time I answered, "Yes.” His eyes looked down at the goblet under His feet, "Then drink.” With some trepidation, I stepped forward and took the goblet full of blood and drank. It was sweet, warm and I felt a happy strength and sense of utter contentment flow through my entire being. Then He looked deep into my eyes again and said, "This is how much I love you. Always remember how much I love you. No matter what happens, no matter where you go, always remember that I love you.”

Then St. Peter guided me to a back gate and said good-bye. I was walking along the path back to my bed when I heard a soft voice call my name. I turned around and saw in the distance a woman carrying an infant. At first, I thought it was Mary carrying baby Jesus, but as she got closer, I realized it was my Nana, holding my baby sister, Susan. Nana came up to me, smiled and said, "We are where we’re supposed to be. You don’t have to be sad anymore. Don’t cry for us anymore. We are happy and safe here, and we’re right where we’re supposed to be.”

When I awoke, a sense of profound consolation enveloped me, and from that moment on, I had such a strong sense of His presence that this one dream experience would eventually carry me through every mucky detour and every precarious night of my soul.”

[ September 12, 2005, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]