Writegirl, would you please tell me what John Denver has to do with your flying adventures? Dotsie, one of the reasons I stopped journalling was because I was afraid of what I might discover about myself. You know the story: I discovered the truth about myself and my family. But that truth, as ugly as it is, led me to my SELF. A good book for your friend to understand the power of journals is "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. LLL

LOL ... Lynn. You see, I love John Denver ... always have and guess I always will. I was saddened by his death and even saddened by the problems he faced in his personal life. But he had such a connection with nature and I really identified with that. Anyway, I have a CD, The Best of John Denver (of course) and I've found that if I clap on headphones and play that CD, I'm more calm and more peaceful. Nature is important to me ... when I was young I could escape from my abuse by going outside and so I have this spiritual connection with nature.

Even though I write, I'm a very visual person. Guess that's why I love photography.

Hugs and blessings, Francine

Hi Francine, I like Denver's music too, although when I was in high school, it wasn't "cool" to like John Denver. My high school was into the Grateful Dead. I agree that nature served as a respite for me too. LLL

Dotise...thanks for the kind words.

As for music, I think it can absolutley be a calming influence.

And yes, that trip inside yourself can be a scary one.

For years I did everything I could to avoid any "quiet time" because I was afraid of where my mind might lead me. But it turns out that I can actually lead my own mind. Who would have thought?

I think one of the biggest revelations for me about recovery from panic was the understanding of the actual process. I always thought I was going to make this grand discovery one day or take this magic pill that would just change everything. No more panic, no more fearful thoughts, that it would all be goine. But that's not how it happened.

The change was slow, sort of like working out, I was developing muscles. Because it's about breaking habits, teaching yourself new ways to respond. And this was hard because I had been responding in a fearful way for my entire life. And making those changes meant going within.

Another interesting note...for me the prospect of going within was much more terrifying than actually doing it.

Jeanne

Jeanne and Julie, I am going to take a chance and post this as I am not sure if it would be getting away from the focus of Boomers. I figure it is worth a try. Here it is.

My grand daughter turned 13 just yesterday. She is a straight A student, has just finished a fictional book, has an award winning poem published and is very outgoing and helpful to everyone. Thats the good part.I sound like I am bragging(maybe I am) but it is important to tell about her strong points before getting to the "weaker " ones?
She lives in Newfoundland, an Island therefore surrounded by water. She won't travel and except for the school bus and car, she is terrified of "other" buses, planes, trains, boats etc. She went to the airport last year to go visit her Dad in Ontario, and refused to get on. She panicked in a bad way. Her Mom didn't force her(good). I asked her to visit me and she said, no, can't fly. I said I will go get you and we will fly together. No, I cannot save her if it crashes, I will be there, but I cannot stop it from crashing. Boats sink, planes crash, trains and buses too.
Yesterday she forced herself on a bus to take a school trip. Same bus, different route. She said Nan, I know it's going to break down....I could have choked someone when I called to wish her Happy Birthday and she JUST GOT IN...the bus broke down (GRRRRRRR)

I live in the US she's in Canada. We are close and speak almost every day. I am going to help her along with Mom . Give me the whole Kit and Kaboodle girls....where do I start, what books, yours too? who can she see. I won't nip it in the bud but it's not too late to start.

Please help guide me. She will be my age some day, and I don't want her to be afraid of much at this age.

I don't want to stray from our boomers fears, so you can PM me if you like.
I am so glad you are here. Why didn't I post sooner?

chick

chick, no need to apologize. This is the perfect place to ask. I'm sure they can give you guidance. Maybe you and your daughter should read The Panic Diaries and see if it's soemthing your granddaughter could handle. It's very lighthearted, not heavy, and it may make her feel like she isn't alone.

Dear Chick,

Dotise is right. Boomers have kids and grandkids too!

Your grandaughter's achievments are not at all surprising. Over-achieving and a highly creative mind seem to go hand-in-hand with the anxiety and panic territory.

The general rule is: if anxiety and fear are disrupting your life, which, for your grandaughter, it would seem it is, then you would want to seek help for her.

However what many good-hearted parents do, is take their child to the doctor and expect him/her to "fix" everything with a pill. But in my experience "just a pill" is not a long term answer. Don't get me wrong, i think for many, medication is a very important part of the remedy,(it was for me) but not on its own.

So, I would start with her family doctor, who should spend some time with her, then possibly refer her to a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist/psychiatirc social-worker...there are many options here. This person may help her identify the underlying fear for all of her fears, perhaps the fear of death?

In addition, the first book I always recommend to anyone suffering from panic (much to the disappointment of my publisher)is "Hope & Help for your Nerves" by Dr. Claire Weeks. It was written in 1969, but it is an amazing little paperback. In my worst year I actually carried a copy with me. We used it often in the writing of our book.

Since she is such an achiever, she may need help learning to "shut off." Does she get much physical activity? These days psychiatrists are writing prescriptions for work-out schedules for their patients. Exercise is vitally important to the brain. Other quiet activities like meditaion or yoga can be a plus.

It's wonderful and a great first step that she is talking to you about her fears. She is already on the right path.

Good Luck

Jeanne

Jeanne, I am grateful to you for your response and suggestions. I will be back later today to continue this post as I have to leave early this morning. Many thanks.

chick

Jeanne, I'm so glad you mentioned exercise. Exercise is crucial for everyone. Great point.

Chick, if she decides to do therapy please get a recommendation from a parent of another teen. Don't you think that's important? Working with teens is so different than working with adults.

Chick,

I think it's great that you love your granddaughter - that is one of the things that will help her. I would recommend our book (I have a 10-year old friend who read it and came to a book signing.) She is very young and it is important to begin to find her some stable footing so that she can get about in the world. I would recommend going slowly, as in, don't rush into anything. Do some research. It's hard with you in the U.S. and her in Canada, but the web is a very useful tool and I'm sure you can find groups/therapists/ratings for doctors and psychologists who practice in whatever city she lives in. There are many different approaches that an individual practitioner can be inclined to use, so, unfortunately, sometimes you literally do have to shop around.
Many experts recommend a combination of talk therapy and medication, but it all depends on the particular circumstances of the individual and on the conditions that might have given rise to her anxieties and fears.
I assume her parents are divorced? When was that? Did her fears/anxieties change subsequent to that? She sounds like a high-achiever, and if you read backwards in this thread, you'll find a few high achievers in the group. Sometimes (and perhaps frequently), high achievers can be seeking control and an outlet for all the energy that stirs their fears. This can start innocently enough - if I'm working hard on my school work, then I don't have to think about the things I'm afraid of. By itself, it's not a bad thing - as you point out -she has accomplished alot in her young life. She could also have an artistic mind which is often more prone to fears and anxieties (probably because it sees more things and is bright and almost inadvertently open to a wider range of experience and input).
For these and other reasons, I would encourage the slow approach. Reading; letting her know you love her and that she is not alone; and assuring her that there is help for her - that many, many people experience these things and that there are many treatment options.

It is ironic that her fear of the bus breaking down came true - that certainly doesn't help (but in a way it can help - because it teaches a lesson about control). One of the diary entries in the book tells the story of a nurse who went tons of miles out of her way to avoid a bridge, only to find herself at the face of another bridge. I went to Boston (from Chicago) once and I DID NOT, DID NOT, DID NOT WANT TO GO - I was afraid. So I tried to control things - I figured if I went standby, then I'd have a better chance of avoiding some ... destiny (that's the best way I can put it). I kept having to choose which flight and that was difficult and just at the last minute I chose a different flight. I thought I'd exerted enough control to increase my chances of survival. Turns out the plane I chose (and nearly all the ones after it) was stuck on the tarmac/runway, for - I kid you not - 7 hours. I was in the back row in the middle seat. I have flying trouble myself. Of course, you don't know in the begging of a 7 hour wait that it's going to be 7 hours - it was horrible and I didn't think I'd survive it (but of course I did). Had I gotten on my original flight, I would have had a smoothe and uneventful trip to Boston. I have paid other "prices" for extreme avoidance behavior - it seems somehow that the universe is trying to make us chuckle sometimes as it tells us to "let go...."
There's a fine line too between "helping" someone with debilitating fear and, ending up being (to use a very bad term) an enabler. It's all a bunch of fine lines, I think. While it was good that her mother didn't force her on the plane (she's too young for that), it's always good to encourage and support and sometimes insist on "baby steps."
So talk to her mom, find a doctor, find a therapist RECOMMENDATION and find out what their approach is. She might be a good candidate for straightforward cognitive therapy - a kind of behavioral conditioning which teaches you how to get a handle on the churning mind.
Feel free to bounce back with questions and let us know how it's progressing. What a great Nan you are!
-Julie