It has often baffled me that if we had been diagnosed with cancer, would we be questioning our faith...would we be asking ourselves if it's our fault, that we got cancer because we didn't pray enough or have enough faith? And yet, depression is also just as legitimate and bona fide an illness, with a confusing and painful combination of chemical imbalance and mangled thinking (which I believe is a SYMPTOM, not the cause of depression and anxiety), and yet we believe that it's our fault, that we didn't pray enough, or have enough faith, and so this is our punishment. I went through that for years, before finally coming to rest on the reality that God is on my side, He loves me unconditionally, and would never inflict pain or suffering on me because I didn't pray well enough or have a strong enough faith. In fact He does everything He can to bring the right people and resources into my life so that I will have everything I need to get through this dark night of the soul.

One of the symptoms of the mangled thinking is that it distorts our perception of things and people, and makes us automatically assume all fault and blame for why we are the way we are, and convinces us to ostracize ourselves as untouchable and unlovable. I don't know all the correct medical jargon, but this is how I prefer to look at it now: we're in the shape we're in because life threw a lot of crap our way and overwhelmed us with more pain than our seratonin levels could handle...that's not our fault...it's a medical condition that needs corrective measurements. But along the way, because of social stigma and negative feedback from everyone around us, we also drown ourselves in a sea of perceived failure, causing an endless recital of self-detrimental blame and guilt. That too needs corrective measurement, some way to untangle all those lies before we can see the truth of who we really are (which is BEAUTIFUL and UNIQUE and PRECIOUS and BELOVED and CAPABLE).

I have to run...I have my first TV interview in 45 minutes! YEEK!

Eagle wrote: "It has often baffled me that if we had been diagnosed with cancer, would we be questioning our faith...would we be asking ourselves if it's our fault, that we got cancer because we didn't pray enough or have enough faith?" Yes, I did. I thought that somehow I had caused breast cancer. When my brother and father fondled me I would wish/pray that I never had breasts. Lo those many years later, I got my wish with mastectomy. I returned to my counselor during cancer, being reassurred that I could not have caused my own cancer because I was ungrateful and/or didn't have enough faith. LLL

Eagle Heart ... you put that so beautifully. Thank you for pointing out that truth. Wow ... I'm still awed by your comments. Thank you so much.

Lynn, thanks for sharing. That must've been a very difficult time for you.

Sometimes I think we are our own worst enemies.

This is an awesome place ... I really feel as if I wouldn't have made it through this day without the care and compassion you all have shown me.

Over here it's about time for bed and I'm in a much better place than earlier today.

You are all beautiful.

Blessings, Francine

Francine, you are not alone. You asked, "I'm just hoping maybe someone else has experienced what I'm going through." Yes, I've been through what you have been through. It was interesting to note that when you felt safe enough, the memories surfaced. I've been through that too. Yeah, the perfectionism was a cover, wasn't it? I am a recovering perfectionist. I was perfect at berating myself with worthless self-talk. I'd be perfect at a job, but I was always perfect at being unemployed, with all the perfect excuses! Yet, once I got a job, I found ways to sabatoge myself because I had such low self esteem. The one thing I knew I could do perfectly was too keep house. You know what? I am more "on top" now that I've fully faced myself and my memories. I'm so sorry for what you experienced as a child, and how it is affecting you now. Just know that you are not alone. In my opinion, you are reacting normally to abnormal conditions of childhood. Love and Light, Lynn

Francine,
Guten tag! I read your post and am sorry to learn of your current struggle and the life-long journey behind it. I can relate to many things you said - especially the change that can come at the onset of a parent's death. I went through (and am still in the middle of going through) a life-altering change that followed on the heels of my mother's death. For those who have certain histories, a mother's death can trigger the unleashing of all sorts of things. It's like, as long as your mother was alive, your subconscious mind had a certain organization and structure (perhaps, in your case, and I'm not a "professional" so it's just my personal sense, but perhaps in your case, the organization was centered around you "not remembering" so that you could protect your mother from knowing - let me know if that makes any sense to you).
I had a couple of questions for you: when did you move to Germany? ARe you still in touch with your doctor in Arizona? You're taking two anti-depressants and an anti-convulsant, right? Have you ever tried a short-acting anti-anxiety med? One you could take at the onset of panic (or in anticipation of a situation, event that might bring on panic), and that would be quick acting and RELIABLE. I'm not sure about mixing the clonazepam with an anti-anxiety med, but it might be something worth asking your doctor about. These shorter acting meds can be taken strictly AS NEEDED and they provide relatively quick relief. Have your panic symptoms increased since you arrived in Germany. Sprechen-sie Deutsch? Haben-sie freunde?
You have very good insight into the motivation that turned you into a perfectionist - it was motivation that came from a world of others who treated you poorly, by which I mean to say that it did not spring from the truth of your inner spirit. What I mean to say is that, had your early life circumstances been different, you might not have become a perfectionist at all. Many people go through their lives completely "motivated" by a reaction to how they were treated as children. And this works for some people. For you, it worked for a while, but then you had more misfortune which toppled the only coping mechanism you'd created. I'm sort of rambling on here, but the point I want to make is that THERE'S A YOU IN THERE SOMEWHERE, A YOU THAT MIGHT NOT YET HAVE HAD A CHANCE TO BE. So I wonder, do you write, do you paint, color, draw; what do you like? what DO YOU LIKE? Think about this and see what comes up.
Finally, regarding thoughts of suicide. I hate to think that this is your only place (although because of that, I'm VERY GLAD YOU'RE HERE) to express these thoughts and concerns. You sound like you have lost hope, or if not lost it, that it rarely flutters in your heart. But you've had so much loss -- you lost the life you knew! And now you're in transition. I'm not trying to give you a pep talk, but I really would urge you to consider your circumstances in a new light: the light of a second chance to become who you were originally meant to be - before the harm scattered you and forced you to diverge from your path. I'm not saying it's easy - not a single piece of it is easy - and it's so hard to see beyond the now, into the future and into the possibilities that it might hold. That's the hope you need to let grow. But first, you have to find a way to manage your anxiety attacks (as they are really nasty little party poopers and very counter-productive to hope). So that's your first job: figure out what you need to do to get better management of your anxiety attacks - call your doc in Arizona, try every technique in the book (any book), reach out to your husband (if you can - and if you can't, then tell him you can't). But most important of all, hold on and let others hold the hope for you for now.
Warm wishes,
Julie

Eagle Heart:

I'm pretty much speechless -- and that's unusual, lol.

I believe there are no accidents in life ... that God orchestrates everything. Obviously, he had a few notes for both of us to listen to yesterday. I'm so glad you were able to handle your interview exactly as you'd prayed. Yes, we can be answers to others' prayers.

I have another author friend who introduced me to something that I used yesterday. She believes that there are times when we are hit by such strong emotions that, while they may be a result of our own issues, they may also be an indication that there is someone else out there who is struggling with the very same issue. And so, whenever she is struggling with something that seems to come out of nowhere, she begins praying for "whomever" may be struggling with something similar. I did the same thing. I asked God to comfort one who might be dealing with anxiety or fear. Now both my friend and I never expect to know who that person is but maybe, just maybe my prayers were for you. Obviously, I had nothing to do with it -- it was God's way of ministering to me and in some way ministering to someone else. It's part of that nudging we sometimes feel. Like thinking of a person whom we haven't thought of in a long time -- a worry about someone we've not been in touch with, etc. -- I've come to learn that when I get these nudgings, I pray for that person. Sometimes I find out that they were struggling with something. Sometimes I don't. But it doesn't matter. It's part of "reaching beyond our pain" to help or pray for others.

Thank you Eagle Heart ... you've blessed me by sharing this.

Blessings, Francine

Lynn and Julie ... I jumped to page 4 without coming to page 3 ... I do that a lot, lol.

Lynn, thank you for sharing how your perfectionism worked ... and letting me know I'm not alone. I think that's one of the hardest things for me ... this feeling of "aloneness."

I'll try to explain that as I answer Julie's questions.

As far as my family ... my biological father died when I was 19 years old. Funny, I cried for one day and then I went right on with my life. Didn't mourn or grieve much. I now know why. In fact, up until the time of my father's death I'd go to bed many nights praying and hoping I'd wake up in the morning from the nightmare of my life. Of course, the idea of abuse was so far "out there" back then (the 60's) that it wasn't even on the radar scope. Retrospectively, I understand now that once he died, I felt safe. He never expressed any love or affection for me and pretty much believed I was a tramp. I think I've come to understand that, although the sexual abuse stopped when I was probably 10 or 11 (only because my cousin moved in with us and I subsequently, in later years, discovered my father was having an affair with her right in our home) -- my father considered me damaged goods. What I learned (subconsciously) was that love equaled sex and thus discovered why sex became very important to me. Anyway, shortly after my father died, I married a man who was just as verbally and emotionally abusive as my father -- gee, I felt right at home. And he withheld sex as punishment.

The first time my mother told me she loved me was when I was 31 years old. She'd moved to AZ and I'd followed (after a divorce) and for 20 years we had a good relationship. I think I didn't feel free to remember because I couldn't face my mother once I knew. My younger sister had tried to talk to my mom about some "issues" and my mother denied everything ... EVERYTHING. It's a family tradition ... denial and secrets. So, it wasn't until after she died that it was safe to remember. It's amazing ... I'd been in counseling off and on, both professional and with my pastors, and ultimately it always came down to the possibility of me being sexually abused. That thought was so foreign and horrifying, I would leave the counselor. That's why, when it finally came up, I knew it was true.

As far as doctors go ... while I'm still in touch with my doctor in AZ, my insurance prohibits me from seeing a doctor there and a doctor here -- has to be one or the other. I'm fortunate in a way ... I have some heart problems, otherwise I wouldn't be seeing a military doctor but would've been forced to see a German doctor. I did that once, regarding some of those neurological issues that were a result of my stroke and it wasn't a pleasant experience. I may try to see the military doctor ... who really is a wonderful man, just not very familiar with psychological issues, and see if he might have a suggestion on something that can help with the panic/anxiety attacks. By the way, the clonazepam was substituted for alprazolam because the military decided that only a psychiatrist could prescribe alprazolam ... but I'm not eligible to see a military psychiatrist.

The other thing that happens is that when the anxiety is really bad, I fall. It usually starts with balance problems ... I sort of "list" to the left. This happened prior to my stroke (diagnosed as a "stress-induced" stroke). If it continues, then I will suddenly, with no warning, just fall to the floor. I feel as if I have no balance whatsoever and unless I'm by a chair or a table, I just fall to the floor. I've had lots of test because of that and some other things like numbness in my hands and fingers ... had one of the top neurologists both in AZ and in Germany look for a possible diagnosis of MS but while the symptoms are similar, they don't believe it is MS. Of course, they don't know what it is either. Quite frustrating. Along with that as the stress and anxiety increase, my short term memory decreases, I get double or blurred vision, and my speaking becomes thick ... it's as if I'm drunk. (Figured I'd tell it all although I certainly don't expect a diagnosis, Julie. Heck, the doctors have been trying to figure all this out for years, i.e., the possibility of MS, etc.)

Coming to Germany on a permanent basis was something I hadn't planned on doing. My marriage was in BIG trouble and my husband and I thought the time apart might be good for us. LOL. As soon as he left all I wanted to do was be with him. I'd originally planned on coming over here every couple of months and then returning to AZ every couple of months. Leaving my daughter, and particularly my two grandkids (whom I've been close to since they were born) was devastating. And the first couple of months were horrible. But I also saw a change in my marriage. To be honest, the panic attacks were worse in AZ ... my daughter and grandkids came to live with me because I was such a mess (falling a lot, etc.) (took me several months to actually move to Germany). Anyway, things continued to get better but recently (the last three months) the panic and anxiety have begun to periodically overwhelm me. Not sure why.

And I don't speak German nor do I have any real friends here. But then, I don't have any close friends anywhere. When I've had close friendships with women they've ended up badly ... almost a replay from when I was in school. And most women I've tried to be friends with have minimized some of my issues when I shared them and kind of "pooh poohed" them away. I guess that's why I feel as if I've found something special here.

My greatest love is writing. And I suppose you will be surprised when I tell you my first book (contemporary suspense) is soon to be released (end of July). I write for an online ezine and a quarterly magazine -- travel columns, where I can use my second love -- photography. You'd think I'd be on cloud nine, huh? I expect the galley proofs any day and then I'll be involved in marketing the book.

I also have the opportunity to see some of Europe and have been to Poland, France, Venice, and Ireland. I love it ... as long as I'm with my husband. Sometimes it can be overwhelming and I have those balance and falling problems I talked about. Still, I truly love the opportunity to be here.

I'll check with my doctor here about some medication and maybe I can arrange to talk to a chaplain. They are trained to do some counselling and so that may help me get through the next 9 months before I return to AZ permanently.

I truly believe I've found hope here ... and your response, as well as others, brings me to tears ... to think that people I've never met, haven't even had a chance to know ... have extended their time in reading my rather lengthy posts AND have taken the time to respond.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Blessings, Francine

Hi All, Francine wrote:
"I believe there are no accidents in life ... that God orchestrates everything. there are times when we are hit by such strong emotions that, while they may be a result of our own issues, they may also be an indication that there is someone else out there who is struggling with the very same issue. "
I believe that. I used to be very private, to the point of being shy and tongue-tied. I used to think I was anti-social, but now there is a term which is "social phobia." I was always afraid of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, so I said nothing. I censored myself to the point of silence. I was thinking about how self-revealing I am these days. Yesterday I was telling myself to shut up because I am too revealing! What I realized is that it is no longer about me, but what can I do for another? I may never know if there is someone else struggling with a subject I speak about, but if there is, I at least can let her know she is not alone. Thanks for putting this into words. You actually helped me with what I was asking myself yesterday! Love and Light, Lynn

Hi Lynn,

Thanks for letting me know how what I wrote helped.

I believe that's why a site like this is so vital to those who struggle with some of these issues. I think we tend to minimize our problems and rather than express them, we internalize them.

I am in awe of you and the other women who have been so generous with your care, kind words, and courage. Thank you.

Blessings, Francine