Dian, I thought about this experience while driving to painting. I thought about how horrible it is for a mother’s blood to be dripping onto her baby! And for you to have to witness this must have scared you to death. John Bradshaw, who wrote “Coming Home” says that witnessing an act of violence is every bit as traumatic as experiencing the violence yourself. Gosh, Dian, no child (or adult) should ever have to witness such a crime. Yes, many families don’t speak of violence. Many parents hope their children don’t remember violence. But no problem gets solved in silence. Oh, I wondered if the boyfriend became your husband. Glad to know he’s still around. And I agree with your take on sharing. That’s how we learn that we are not alone. Yeah, and who needs the labels?

I’m bringing back the topic of the editing process. Dian, it was not hard to have my manuscript changed by the editors. I’ll say why in a moment. What was hard was when a traditional publisher wanted to consider my book based on me making the change of putting what is the end of Beyond the Tears at the beginning, and vice versa. The publisher read the first three chapters and a synopsis. I was so excited to have a traditional publisher even consider considering my book that I struggled to rewrite according to the request. I spent months trying to make the beginning the end, and I could not accomplish this task. Meanwhile, anyone who read my manuscript liked the treatment of putting what appeared to be the end of my life the beginning of the story. It was too hard to comply with the publisher’s needs, and I dropped the project, and proceeded with my initial version. As for the editing, they did not change my writing style so much; what they did was improve it. I had only two or three disagreements. One of the disagreements, the editor won the point, and in fact I wish I had listened to my own vision. That disagreement is this line at the end of the book: “I was driving on the same streets toward the same motel where I had suffered in suicidal silence two-and-a-half years earlier.” The second (last) editor told me I should put in a time frame for the course of the book. I didn’t want to pin it down to a time frame. Therapy and recovery are evolving processes that cannot be limited to a time frame. Plus, I will always be in some form of “recovery” from my childhood. Some people are candidates for life-long therapy. I did not want people to think that therapy is a short process (although our HMO system pays for only brief counseling.) But she (the editor) insisted it would clarify for the reader, so I put in 2 and a half years, because that is how long I was in therapy with the first Karen before she moved from where we were in Phoenix to Utah. The recovery process in the book took 2 Karens (coincidentally named the same) over 20 years! So, I feel like I misled the reader. I could have left that time frame out. Perhaps if/when a traditional publisher picks up my book (Hay House, are you listening) then I will get to change that. Here’s another example of a changed line in the book: “While I sat in the small waiting room, I watched a distant date palm waving in the breeze. The brownish-green fronds spread over the top, protecting the fruit from the scorching sun.” I had written: “date palm waving in the breeze, its fruit hanging like testicles.” Well, the second editor didn’t like that and asked if I could find another way of describing what I was seeing. But, in the scene, I was in counseling from sexual abuse, and that is exactly what I thought of at that time. Writers: Please listen to your instinct! It is your book! That being said, also listen to the editors, and weigh both. The editors respected most of my creative endeavors, and either reigned them in when I went too far with a metaphor, or drew me out when more clarification was needed. The editors were extremely valuable. What happened though was that I would make changes, and then discover typos in the changes. There are even some typos in the finished product, but then again, I’ve seen textbooks with typos. I’d like to edit for others, like Dian does.

In response to Dotsie’s question, I’d say my most successful marketing strategy is not a strategy at all but plain old word-of-mouth. Of course, I have to be the one to open my mouth first, no small task for a recovering shy person. Jeannette has joined our forum. I was interning as a social worker where she was the supervisor. Toward the finish of my internship, I quietly said, “Oh, by the way, I published a book.” “What do you mean you published a book and you haven’t told us this sooner!” The support I received from that group of women at the YWCA could not have been planned as a strategy. However, I found that presentations with book signings is a successful strategy. That’s how “A Child Called It” and “Chicken Soup for the Soul” became best sellers: presentations, presentations, presentations, again, no small task for a recovering shy girl. It helped that Mark Hanson and Jack Canfield (CSFTS guys) were already motivational speakers who use Convention Centers as venues! As I complained before in another forum, freebies are not worth it: Did you hear me whine that I’ve sent books as donations to non-profits for their lending libraries and I’ve never received a thank you!!! I gave away a book to CASA, and I swear it was my last freebie. On the other hand, Dianne, (I hope you don’t mind) does not do signings after presentations, and she does just fine in sales, right Dianne? So, if someone else has a tried and true marketing strategy, please let us all in on it.

I don't think of my childhood family as being physically violent or abusive. We specialized in verbal and emotional abuse.

I tended to gravitate towards other outcasts, but not abusive or violent ones. A friend of mine says that the outcasts gravitate towards me, because they can sense that I'll accept them for their goodness and not be judgmental. That's probably true. I have some wonderful and loving friends who were labeled weird as children, and came out of dysfunctional families. I guess because I never looked for "normal" or external BS; I just looked at who someone was inside. I look inside someone's heart, which I can see clearly.

I had a brief period in my teens where I tried to be "feminine" and "average" but it always felt like a charade so this phase didn't last long.

Way-tres is a slang term. Way is the same as tres, so "mega-way". Way, as in way cool, or way anything; and tres as in tres chic or whatever. I probably made it up years ago.

I tried to be someone different too. Tried to be quiet and all lady-like and it would last maybe 10 minutes! It just isn't me.

Hi Dianne, I was thinking about your message while on my walk today. You have great communication skills, evidenced by your writing and speaking, and on the message boards. What a waste of your skills if you tried to be quiet! We are all much better off because you could not be other than who you are. Bravo! I went to 3 kindergartens in one year. When I look back on that I realized it was so hard to be the new kid 3 times. In the middle kindergarten, the teacher wrote: "Lynn talks a lot, and in a loud voice." My mother laughed, because at the time it was true. Evidently, I had a need to communicate, and the loud voice was developed in order to be heard above my very loud relatives. My mother told me to just "tone it down a bit." Shortly after that, I withdrew into quiet. The women said of Oprah, when she was a child, "That girl sure can talk a lot!" and look at her now!

Hi Meredith, I thought about your post today too. You have your own language what with way-tres! Way cool! The following from BTT was probably my first recognition of "verbal abuse" only of course I did not know it was wrong. ***When I was four years old, I was listening from my room one night while my mother and father tossed insults at each other.
“You’re a lousy excuse for a human being,” I heard my mother say.
“Well, excuse the hell out of me for living,” my father said.
Their phrases flew through the air like a Ping-Pong ball, paddled back and forth over a net. I was like the net, suspended by two poles, waiting to catch and contain the last word. If only they could stop fighting, then they could love each other, love me, and love my brother. They continued their torrent.
“I wish you were dead.”
“I hope you drop dead.”
“I’m gonna kill you if it’s the last thing I do, so help me God.”
“Over my dead body.”
“Get out of my life.”
“You think you can get away with murder, don’t you?”
I was scared to death. While I waited for the fight to end, I held my breath and my pee. *** So, when boyfriends and that man I was married to called me a bitch, I didn't think of it as abusive. I even confess to verbally abusing my current husband, way back when we used to fight. He'd say "EFF U" and I'd say "EFF U back" until we one day looked at each other and said, "What are we doing to each other." We went to a couple of counseling sessions together. We no longer use verbal abuse at any time. A good book on the subject is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. You can Google and get to her web site on the topic, too.

Meredith and Dianne both mentioned lady like and feminine. I heard this on the local news about a new play school: "There are toy planes for the boys and dolls for the girls." What, are we back in the dark ages of socialization? Isn't that sexist? Girls can be pilots! Boys can be stylists! As for feminine, I saw an interesting exchange on Oprah with Lisa Marie Presley and her mother, Priscilla. Lisa said she was "a bull in a china shop" regarding her less than feminine ways as compared to her mother. Lisa & Priscilla had to accept those differences in each other. I was active as a kid, and wanted to be a boy because boys got all the breaks. How I wanted to wear jeans when I was 12! Brooke Shields was doing the Guess jeans ads, and my mother and step f thought that jeans were not "lady-like." I felt like such a fashion misfit, what with bell bottoms and hip huggers on all the other girls. I wear jeans all the time, blue jeans, black jeans, khaki jeans. I think I'll wear jeans in my coffin. When, if ever, is anyone too old to wear jeans?

My husband was verbally abusive from the start -- nag, nag, nag, insult after insult -- just like Mom did, but since I was so used to it, it kinda rolled off my back for years. I just tuned it out. Then we'd get into the scream fests.

As of just a few years ago, I had to learn to physically walk out of the room or the house, sometimes for days at a time, when he started screaming. Walking away is 20x more difficult for me than fighting back. Fighting is so easy. He started the fights as his way of getting attention, so my leaving him alone was the best thing I could've done.

I also started a "verbal abuse chart." I'd mark off his verbal abuses on the calendar. I told him when he got to 100, it was divorce. Absolutely, unequivocably, no looking back. He got up to 20 pretty fast, but when he realized how serious I was, most of it stopped. It's been 4 or 5 months since I've added any marks.

We don't fight much any more. We don't do much of anything really. But it's much less stressful.

Hello Meredith, I appreciate your heart felt post here, and delving into these deeply personal issues. You’re ahead of the verbal abuse game by recognizing that you experienced it with your husband because that it what you were used to. Of course, just because we are used to it doesn’t make it right! I’m sorry to hear that your own mother was insulting to you. I hope your husband is indeed changing, because thus far the burden has been on you to take action by walking out. That you two “don’t do much of anything” is uncomfortable, because in the absence of fighting, one would hope more loving behaviors could be learned. I sensed some tension when you mentioned that you had gone to a bead expo, and you bought supplies for the year, and he didn’t like that you spent the money. It takes an investment in goods to make money! I hope he appreciates your many wonderful talents. If you ever get a chance, check out the book “The Verbally Abusive Relationship.” It is a short but enlightening read. Patricia Evans is an expert on the subject.