Hi, I had a response to Ari over in the loss forum, and I wanted to post it here too. Dear Ari, I am going to post a passage from my book because I think it pertains to what you are going through. Not that I have any expertise in dream analysis, but your dream sounds like a serious message to you. My question is: who was in control in the dream? What visualization can you do to take your power back? In this scene from the book I am telling my counselor (Karen) that I was thinking about a friend who had just died.***“I was obsessed with thoughts about him. Why did it take me such a long time to get over his death?”

“You were grieving. Mourning doesn’t come with a stopwatch; it takes time. Grief is a powerful emotion with many layers, like denial, anger, and acceptance. His death represented the other losses inherent in trauma. Focusing on his death allowed you to grieve the loss of your childhood, the loss of protection by parents, the loss of your sense of self.”

“I was grieving accumulated losses that I hadn’t acknowledged before.”

“That sounds about right,” Karen agreed.

Excited by insight, my arms flew up as if participating in a wave at a baseball game. “I just hit on something,” I interrupted.

“What?”

“I couldn’t control Christopher’s death, just like I couldn’t control Heather’s life. I couldn’t even control the loss of my own virginity. So I was also grieving the loss of control.”

“So much in your life was beyond your control. What do you think you could have controlled?”

“My friends,” I realized. “I befriended everyone who seemed to like me, or I did anything to get him or her to like me. It did not matter if I liked them, as long as they showed me some sign of the affection and acceptance I craved.”

“What does that remind you of?”

“My own family. I was used to a family out of control, a family that took control of my body. My so-called friends used me in ways that I was accustomed to, physically and emotionally. It’s like I automatically put myself in harm’s way.”***

Hi. I did signings at the Unity Church of the Rockies the last two Sundays. People ask me "how many books did you sell" like that is a measure of a successful signing. I also consider how many people opened their hearts to share what's been locked inside: secrets of abuse and addiction, even incarceration. Of course, I need to sell books, but I am also there to serve a need to open lines of communication. With that yardstick, it was successful by a mile. How do you measure success?

Lynn,
Since the release of "Eagle" I've only done three book signings, two of them at a United Church that I attended as a young teenager. The first signing was on Saturday, the other after the Sunday service. They had invited me to give the sermon, which was quite a scary venture. I never even mentioned the book, it was all about what a difference this church had made in my life way back then. So many people stayed afterward, we had to have a second signing.

It took about 10-20 minutes to sign each book, because each person there had a memory or story they wanted to tell. I really enjoyed both sessions, especially meeting so many people from my past like that. I didn't sell a whole lot of books, but would definitely deem it a successful weekend. ('tho probably the people at the end of the line who had to wait for all those other people to finish telling their stories might have had a different experience!)

I haven't had the "joy" of a larger book signing gig, but probably would end up preferring the smaller one-on-one sessions where people open up and share their own thoughts.

[ April 24, 2005, 09:57 PM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

Absolutely, Eagle, the small venues are so much more meaningful. I went to an event at Unity in Dallas Texas that presented Deepak Choprah. He is such a popular "guru" with the Unity Church. Afterwards, he signed book after book, long lines, and no one had a chance to really open up to him or each other. Maybe that's what happens to a best selling author, I wouldn't know! But I am like you: I prefer the one-on-one signings that help others to have a chance to share. So many people asked me to "speak" during a sermon that we are setting something up for October, which is National Domestic Violence Awareness month. Give a sermon? Yikes! So you are back from your weekend? I think I must be in Canada today because it is snowing! Love and Light, Lynn

Lynn, It's quite possible that Colorado could get more snow overall than we do here in Ottawa, being in the mountains and all. I remember driving through Colorado in the early 1980's. We took our time, three glorious days. We drove all the way from Loveland, past Denver, right under and along the Rockies, nearly got clipped by low-flying military planes in a parade in Leadville, knuckle-bit our way through Ouray, stayed overnight in Durango, and then drove on to Santa Fe, New Mexico. It was breath-takingly beautiful. We did have a scary mix of rain and snow while driving through Ouray, something that surprised me, it being the end of June. Even though it was over 20 years ago now, those images are forever engraved in my mind...nice refuge to go back to whenever I need a lofty place to rest my restless eagle heart.

Slightly off-topic but wonderful memories.

Hi Eagle, no topic is off topic as far as I am concerned. It took me 30 years to get here. In 1972 when I graduated from high school, the only colleges I applied to were in Colorado. At the time, I lived in Pennsylvania, and I had never been to CO. I guess I was having a premonition of things to come. Fears, family, events, jobs led me to live in 8 states thus far. Finally, this year, it seems the pathways were cleared and I made my way to CO when my husband got a job here. I feel so at home. I'm glad you have fond memories of this great state. Sante Fe in New Mexico is quite the interesting place, too. Oh, I didn't put a note in with my check to you because I was afraid I'd get hung up on what I wanted to say, and not send it off! Love and Light, Lynn

Since this is the final week for me as featured author, I thought I’d bring up the topic of forgiveness. I was so entrenched in shame and self-blame, that forgiving myself for addiction, alcohol, and suicide attempts was unfathomable during the early years of my recovery. Finally, I took responsibility for not only my actions, but also for trying to forgive myself. (Sometimes, we can be our own worst enemies.) Forgiveness is a heavy topic, yet people use the word often. What concepts do you have regarding forgiving yourself? Here is a portion of the book. ****“Yes, we are accountable for our actions,” Karen said. “And you are responsible for what you do now. Still, try to forgive yourself.”
“Forgive myself?”
“Yes. God forgives us before we forgive ourselves.”
“Oh, Karen, that sounds so cliché.”
“The phrase is repeated because it’s true,” she responded.
“How do I forgive myself?”
“Forgive yourself by not condemning who you were and by celebrating who you are becoming.”
“I’m a waitress. I’m getting my real estate license. I’m taking more college courses. What else am I becoming?”
“A survivor. Your sense of self was violated along with your body. Now you’re gaining mastery over trauma and taking control. When you lose your identity as a victim, you gain an identity as a survivor.”
I thought about what it meant to be a survivor. I had overcome adversity and endured dysfunction. I lived through ordeals, faced demons and death, and reconstructed myself. I was a survivor.**** Before the end of the week I’ll try to address forgiving others. Any thoughts? Any other direction you’d like to go in this last week?

Lynn, Forgiving oneself is such a crucial piece of the puzzle. For some unfathomable reason, even when terrible things are being done TO us as children, we tend to internalize it to our own detriment, as if everything that is being done TO us is our fault. It's not the truth, but it's what we believe to be the truth. Somewhere along the way, it begins to dawn on us that we were only children and had no control over what others did to us, and yet those feelings of guilt, shame, fault and worthlessness persist.

It might seem far-fetched, and even counter-productive to consider forgiving ourselves for things we had no say in, for actions we had no control over. But it seems to be such a crucial piece of the healing process. Forgiveness becomes a (the?) way to empower ourselves to move out of the prison of lies that made us think we were too unworthy to become anything of value.

The refusal to forgive actually gives the power to others, perpetuating the lack of control over our own emotions, thereby crippling US, not the person(s) we refuse to forgive. It's only by taking back that power by deliberately choosing to forgive that we're able to move onward and upward into whoever and wherever we now freely choose to become.

Hi Eagle, what you've written is so wise. The lies that were placed upon us became our reality, until light was shed on the real truth of our experience. Thank God for enlightenment! Well said!LLL

Hi all. I am a recovering perfectionist. I missed out on many opportunities because I was afraid that I would not be able to do them perfectly from the start. I gave up on hobbies because I thought I had to be perfect from the beginning, like playing the piano. I had no concept of building skills: I thought one either had a talent, or not, leaving no room for average. In the following paragraphs, I am talking to my counselor Karen about creating goals, but I was too afraid to even try to achieve them. ****“What if I fail?” I asked Karen. I realized that I failed to try anything that I could not do perfectly and all I could do perfectly was clean house. I thought about trying other things but never got around to it. I made a mental note: “To think and think and think about a thing and never to accomplish it at all.” Karen responded by saying, “Use failures as a learning experience and try again. It’s a waste of time to wait to do everything perfectly. In order to grow, it’s necessary to attempt new skills. Let go of the limiting controls of perfectionism! To make mistakes is to be human and everyone makes mistakes.”****Of course, I’ve since learned that trying to do something perfectly is not plausible. I paint, most imperfectly. I write, imperfectly. I live and love, not quite perfect. But I am experiencing life with more fullness because I understand that I do not have to do anything perfectly! I even gave up cleaning house perfectly! What would you do if you knew you did not have to do it perfectly?