Hi everyone, I'm sorry for the momentary absence. I haven't abandoned my post as featured author! I was busy yesterday and this morning with a realtor and lenders since we are trying to buy a house in our new homeland of Colorado. It seems we moved here on a Missouri salary, which gets us only half the house for twice the money in Colorado. So, I will be responding to your interesting posts at this point. Again, I'm sorry for the delay! Love and Light, Lynn

Dear Friends, you have such compassion for the "victims" and awareness of the issues. I am heartened to see the discussion amongst you. Unique, I am so sorry you experienced abuse. You are so right: you don't have to be beaten to be abused, which is why I was glad that the power and control list illustrated covert avenues to abuse. Blaming the victim is a common attitude in our society. The question is often asked "Why didn't she leave" when in fact the question should be "Why didn't he stop." As for justice, a restraining order means NOTHING to an abuser, if the victim can indeed get one. Usually, the abuser has to already have harmed the victim in front of a witness before a restraining order is issued. More in the next window.

[ February 15, 2006, 12:13 AM: Message edited by: Lynnie ]

The first paragraph of the power & control list shows "using intimidation" as an inidcator of abuse. As in illustration of this, for those that read the book, I am convinced that Todd disposed of my bike that night to arrange to give me a ride home, which correlates to destroying property. He also let the revolver be seen when in fact he could have concealed it, which correlates to displaying weapons. And I could feel him watching me, in the restaurant when I was working and when he dropped me off after giving me a ride home. These were subtle messages of letting me know who was in charge. Couple that with the patriarchal culture in which I was raised and it is easy to realize how I could have been vulnerable to abuse.

Hi Lynn - My 2 Cents about Reviews:

Never, ever, ever, should a writer or publisher have to pay to have a book reviewed - that's a conflict of interest. I believe some review sites offer "faster" reviews for a fee - but if they do not put in a disclaimer that the reviewer might not find the book a good read, and the money paid is not a guarantee of a good review, then it is not kosher.

There are several types of reviewers:

1. The sarcastic, hates everything, and lives for creating him/herself a nasty reputation
2. The reviewer who just wants free books
3. The lovey-dovey reviewer who gushes over each book, whether good or bad.
4. The snakes who charge for a review
5. The sincere ones.

My review policy: If I hate your book, I'll tell you so and return it. I prefer to not write a negative review if at all possible, especially for new writers. If I like your book, but see some areas that concern me, I will write the review and hopefully be able to address the concern(s) in an author interview. I don't take money as getting the book is a perk in my eyes. I will publish the review in as many places as will accept it, including Amazon, BookPleasures, Midwest Book Review, Writers Crossing, etc., as well as on my own site. Some books I am assigned to review from sites such as Fiction Addiction, Writers Crossing, Infuze and Christian Book Previews. For those sites, I adhere to their reviewer guidelines and negative reviews can be found there. For established authors, such as Robert Parker and John Sanford, I feel they have an obligation to their readers to meet a certain standard, and I will comment negatively in such cases.

Unfortunately, a lot of the review sites will not accept self-published books because of a premise set early on of bad editing by some of the self-publish houses. And there are a few books out there that should have never been published in the format they were in. Sadly, this could be avoided if more writers were to employ the services of an established editor who can help shape the story into a readable form: keep the plot going forward; keep the Point of View clear; catch simple grammar and punctuation mistakes; suggestions as to where the plot might need more detail or perhaps cut out as it's unnecessary to the story.

Check the credentials of any review site and/or reviewer.

Are they honest?
Do they make a name for themself by being rude and cruel?
Do they work under a conflict of interest (i.e. I'll give you a good review if you pay me).
Read at least one book they have reviewed and evaluate the review for it's content:
1. Is it apparent from the review that the reviewer actually read the book?
2. Is the review written to help a buyer decide whether or not to purchase the book?
3. Does it mention the audience and how the book might be used or by whom it might be enjoyed
4. Does it give information about the author and where more might be found (this sometimes is helpful in giving the reader an idea of the author's credentials)

Here's another example: Using emotional abuse
I was a college student, fortunate enough to have a trust fund that had been set up by my grandmother. One afternoon Todd had shown up on campus, which was very surprising. How did he know I would exit the psychology building at precisely 12:50 p.m.? I never shared my schedule with him. He looked old and out of place in his cowboy hat and boots among students in rock-concert t-shirts. I was tempted to ignore him as he walked toward me but was afraid he would make a scene. Todd justified that he followed me because, he said, “I think the world of you. I miss you. Let me take you to the sizzler for lunch.”
“I don’t eat meat.”
“There’s your trouble. You need to put some meat on your bones.”
“I need to study.”
“Woman, you think too much.”
“I have tests tomorrow.”
My excuses were irrelevant to him. He made up my mind for me: “you need a change of pace from sticking your nose in that gibberish.” he took my backpack.
He is being the one to define men’s roles as the stronger gender using chivalry to mask power & control. I had grown up with these attitudes.

As for the review side-bar, I would agree, Dianne, that it seems more political than financial. I appreciate your comment and the book suggestion. I'm a do-it-yourselfer, and as such everything is via trial and error. Of course, having women like you and the others on this site has made me feel as though I have support in the publishing arena, and otherwise!

Here's an example of using male privilege: USING MALE PRIVILEGE
Communication from Todd was a series of nagging questions regarding dinner. “What’s for dinner? Is dinner ready? When are you going to get dinner ready? How am I supposed to eat this crap?” I never promised him pasta primavera. Perhaps I could toss poisonous oleander leaves into his salad.
Todd had nothing to give but bossy orders: “Give me a cigarette! Pass me the lighter! Get me a cup of coffee!” He snapped his fingers, “And hurry up, why don’t you?”
When I cooked for Todd, my recipe was runny sauce from a jar dumped over thickets of spaghetti. Once, when I was fed up with Todd calling the meals “pathetic,” I lifted the pot off the stove and threw the boiling pasta at him. My aim was way off, and spaghetti al dente clung to the cabinets. This outburst surprised us both, and he backed off. On my hands and knees, I scraped clumps of sticky, gooey pasta from the kitchen. My specialty in cleaning came in handy in the aftermath of heated arguments, when no more words were spoken to resolve an issue.
IT WENT WITHOUT SAYING THAT IT WAS THE WOMAN’S JOB TO CLEAN UP AFTER AN ARGUMENT

TODD TREATED ME LIKE A SERVANT AND ACTED LIKE THE “MASTER OF THE CASTLE.”
I grew up with these attitudes, so they in no way seemed unusual to me.

Wow, Dian, those are excellent guidelines concerning reviews. That's too bad about self-publishing getting a bad reputation because of poor editing/grammar. I can understand that. Several self-published authors of memoirs regarding abuse have asked me to read/review their books. I have to respond with great appreciation for their willingness to tell their story. However, I have read many that I just didn't want to finish because of flaws and loose ends. I never felt "finished" with my book: I could have self-critiqued till doomsday. However, I had to get to the point where it was time to publish, instead of stalling over perfectionism. On the other hand, I certainly don't care for books that written as a rush job. Unfortunately, some of the major reviewers who by-pass self-publishing are missing some good writing, right? LLL

Yes - a lot of publishers are missing out, which is WHY self-publishing is gaining popularity. Some authors who become successful on the self-published route end up being picked up by a regular publishing house.

It's a shame that more control or guidelines or whatever we can call it wasn't exercised in the beginning of the self-publishing path - it only took a few bad ones to cross out the good ones that are out there.

I try to be open-minded and look at the book, and if it's too awful, I will return it, oftentimes with encouragement that a great story lies underneath the poor writing style. Everyone has a story to tell, but it's the ones that are well-written that get read - even those that are self-published. It may take longer, but word of mouth will sell a self-published book and can make sales successful. If the book is of poor quality - bad spelling, and all the rest - then it's likely the book won't make it far, when it could have if put in the hands of a good editor.

More alarming is that even some of the big publishing houses are no longer using professional editors! This has created a market for freelance editors, but again, the author needs to be careful and check references first. A proofreader is not an editor, and a comprehensive edit includes all that it takes to bring the author's work to it's best presentation, and in the process, the writer learns to write better as well.

In one of the Ted Dekker interviews in Infuze magazine (not mine), he revealed that his first book was completely torn to pieces and he and his editor started from page one and redid the whole manuscript. But it paid off - he's written 11 books in five years and consistently stays on the bestseller list.