Lynn,

I don't know if you want to hear this, but if I were you, I would want to try to connect with my stepmother. What has kept you from doing so?

Also, can you list behaviors that you believe are typical of abusive men? You mentioned drinking and fast driving. Behaviors that are outside the realm of physical and sexual abuse?

Hi Dotsie, I haven't connected with my step-mother because I don't have any affinity for her. I am only curious as to whether or not she is alive. Have you heard of the term "toxic" relationship? To re-connect with her would only be to ensnare myself in a toxic relationship. I think that I would feel an inner prompting if it was right to connect with her. I don't feel so inclined. I do know of a long-lost aunt who still works in public records in the county where my step-mother lived last I knew. I emailed that aunt, telling her who I was, and never got a response. I figured that if it was meant to be, the pieces of the puzzle would more easily come into place. In 1994 I received a call from my step-mother. I was living in California at the time, she in New Jersey, and we had not spoken since we parted ways as described in the book, which was about 1974. My step-mother had contacted members of my family to find me, claiming that I had "come into money." I knew I hadn't "come into money" from my step-mother and/or my deceased father, but I called her as a courtesy. She had lied to members of my family to track me down. She admitted that she lied about the money just to get me to call. I don't have much interest in a woman who harasses others with lies to get my attention. I also see that she doesn't know me very well to think that I could be manipulated by a promise of money. It was a brief conversation, but it was enough for me to know I wanted nothing to do with her. I hope I've answered your interesting question. LLL

The abusive man is all about power and control. Here are some examples of covert behaviors that indicate an abusive character:

Using Intimidation
Making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures
Smashing things, destroying her property
Abusing pets
Displaying weapons

Using Emotional Abuse
Putting her down
Making her feel bad about herself
Calling her names
Making her think she’s crazy
Playing mind games
Humiliating her
Making her feel guilty

Using Isolation
Controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads, where she goes
Limiting her outside involvement
Using jealousy to justify actions

Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming
Making light of the abuse
Not taking her concerns about it seriously
Saying the abuse did not happen
Shifting responsibility for abuse behavior
Saying she caused it

Using Children
Making her feel guilty about children
Using the children to relay messages
Using visitation to harass her
Threatening to take the children away

Using Male Privilege
Treating her like a servant
Making all the big decisions
Acting like the “master of the castle”
Being the one to define men’s & women’s roles

Using Economic Abuse
Preventing her from getting or keeping a job
Making her ask for money
Giving her an allowance
Taking her money
Not letting her know about or have access to family income

Using Coercion & Threats
Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to her her
Threatening to leave her
Threatening to commit suicide
Threatening to report her to welfare
Making her drop charges
Making her do illegal things

Hi all, I think that print-on-demand self-published authors get sub-standard treatment. Here's what happened this week: I read a review in the Denver Post by a writer named Sandy Dallas. She reviewed on a book similar in content to mine by the author Martha Beck, who happens to be a columnist for O (Oprah's) magazine. I contacted Sandy via email and asked her how she decided what books to review. She replied (which is a plus) and said that the books editor of the Denver Post assigns the reviews. I then asked for the name of the editor because I am new to the area. She replied (which is another plus) with the name, but said "Don't bother because he does not assign reviews on the same topic twice AND he never reviews self-published work." That leads me to wonder if the publisher pays the major newspapers to review new works by well-known authors like Martha Beck. What do you think? LLL

Lynn, you are so right about the control. That's what I was going to say and I see that you've listed that first. I found out what 'Master Manipulator' really means. Did you ever find yourself doing things without even being asked? Did you find yourself changing your behavior and lifestyle to accomdate because it was easier to go along than to stand up for yourself and have to *deal* with the attitudes after?

Lynn, That is a very informative list. But I wondered about the the items that begin with "Making her," especially "making her do illegal things."
It seems like those items might give women an excuse to deny responsibility for their own lives and actions. I know many women are victimized, but sometimes the 'victim' role can be both a convenient excuse and a debilitating label.
Just an observation.
smile

I think Lynn's list is indicative of the male's actions - he WANTS to MAKE the woman do his bidding, etc, either through coercion, intimidation, abuse or otherwise. He forces the woman, who might not have the coping skills to resist him. Many, many, many women do not have coping skills and live with learned behavior to submit to the abuse without realizing these relationships are not normal. Until a victim is able to realize their own power, and many never do, or even end up dead if they try to assert themselves. It's an oft-times misunderstood state of affairs and so many people who are not in an abusive relationship find it easy to say that the woman is in control of her own life and action, and it truly might not be the case. If a victim was in control of his or her own life, he or she would most likely NOT be in the abusive relationship and would have taken steps to remove themselves and heal.

Most times it takes a crisis of some sort to bring in someone outside the storm who can see the reality for what it really is instead of the closed circle between the abuser and the family - wife, children, parents, etc.

Also, the shame of being a victim often prohibits proactive responses and instead takes its place in the wheel of the cycle.

There are few women, or men, who are victims of abuse that have the internal power to overcome the abuser's control on their lives, thus they believe they have no way out or recourse and believe they are being forced to behave in any type behavior "made to do it."

Most victims of abuse are in a mindset of hopelessness and unable to see alternative choices that they are comfortable with. Many have such low self-esteem that they feel they deserve the abuse, and in fact, do not even call it abuse. To them, their life is the way it is and they cannot imagine anything different.

I was an advocate for sexual assult victims for a few years and many of these behaviors, both on the abuser and victim sides are seen by them as commonplace.

Too often, outrage and assertive steps to seek justice and/or safety are only initiated in a case of outside intervention by an agency or an informed acquaintance.

These women have enough problems without being seen as people looking for an excuse to deny responsibility for their own lives and actions. If they knew how to do that in the first place, they most likely wouldn't be in the situation.

I live in the highest rate of domestic violence county in the United States and interact with people who have been abused and are being abused. 9 times out of 10, the ones who relish the victim role are in fact, not victims at all, but like plahing the role in order to get attention and/or services. A true victim is one that is not in control of their life and their chances of being "rehabilitated" are very small.

Without money, support groups, effective law enforcement, shelter, etc., the victim many times must remain a victim. The abuser has control of all the funds, vehicles, locks, and may even have spies imbedded in his group of "friends" to watch for any escape attempt.

If the abuser DOES get incarcerated, his fine is less than that if he were to get caught with an oversized bass fish. No kidding. His jail sentence is either non-existent or only serves to anger him more and he often, in fact, most times, delivers more threats and intimidation from lockup.

Social services does not provide a plan for the abused woman to leave the area, which is necessary to escape the abuser. Family members are often as poor as the abused woman and cannot offer financial assistance either.

And as an added observation - if the victim can ever get the needed treatment and life changes, one is no longer a victim, but a survivor, a label that is empowering.

Lynn, regarding the reviews. As far as I know, there are only four sources that really, truly matter when having your book reviewed. I learned this when The Library Journal reviewed mine. I was so ignorant of the process my publicist had to fill me in on this.

BTW, if any of you want to know more about the entire process and an editor's advice to writers, buy "The Forest for the Trees" by Betsy Lerner. One of the best books on the subject that I've come across.

I believe that reviews may be political more than money being exchanged but I could be wrong. I do know that my publisher never paid anyone to review my book and it still got reviewed.

On another note, I completely understand you not wanting to pull your stepmother back into your life. I wonder what she really wanted?

Dian,
Thank you for filling in for Lynn there and explaining how someone can *make* someone else do things. People who know me, know I don't put up with much. I'm agressive and strong, yet I was abused, too. I'd like to say, too, that you don't have to be beaten to be abused. Good manipulators can get you to do things without saying a word!! Isolated? After a few rounds of the sniffs, the snorts, the grunts, the sighs, the 'why do you want to run off over there? you just got home,' blah, blah, blah; and the silent treatment as punishment for not *doing* whatever it was they wanted you to do, you learn to anticipate because the ugliness, the downright ugliness of behavior that you have to live with is WORSE than the isolation. It becomes SELF isolation for self defense. It's crazy and it sounds really crazy to someone who hasn't lived it. I knew better. I knew what it was, saw it for what it was and recognized it, but was still semi-powerless to get out of it -- until -- Like you said, sometimes it's an outside motivating force that precipitates the change -- a sort of "last straw" so to speak. What bugs me most is a statement like this . . . and this was a quote from our local sheriff (whom I do actually admire, BUT..) he said, "...She waited too long to get out..." She waited...like she was wrong and stuck around til she got murdered. She was the bloody victim but it pointed the blame back at her like it was her fault she got murdered!! He didn't know then and he may not know now, and we, her friends, can only surmise after the fact, but threats to not only her, but her family were very real and frightening, I'm sure. None of us can know 100% why she didn't bail sooner, but to blame her for 'waiting too long' is ridiculous and societies'attitudes will never change as long as people keep blaming the victim. I don't mean to rant - but if a person hasn't seen it up close and personal - it IS hard to understand - that's also what makes it so difficult for victims and helps the abusers to get away with it. That behavior is almost unfathomable to *normal* people.

Now imagine those things happening to a child. Or to a young girl. Or a young woman with no one to turn to and no support system to ask questions of. If her family is part of the problem, who is she going to turn to? Scary, isn't it?