What are your concepts of NORMAL? How do we define NORMAL? I noticed that my book has many references to the word “normal” and the state of being as “normal.” What are your thoughts about NORMAL? The following are some excerpts from the book to help start the discussion.

***As a child, my father disparaged my interests. After reading the encyclopedia’s entries about horses and dogs, I memorized the characteristics of each breed. My father called me a “bookworm” and scolded, “Go outside and play like a normal kid,” implying that I was not normal. Instead of appreciating my intelligence, he was afraid of it. Perhaps he was afraid that I would figure him out for the phony he was. Like counterfeit money, I did not know how deceiving he could be until I was emotionally bankrupt.

My mother had a knack for first-class cooking, using common recipes clipped from the newspaper to make gourmet meals. She would have me set the table with placemats indicating who would sit where. As we ate salad tossed with homemade vinaigrette and lasagna layered with ricotta cheese, we agreed that she was the best cook. The family functioned around food and mealtime made us “normal.”

One Christmas, I observed my family decorating a tree. I wrote: A spell had been cast over the family that made us look like normal. What if I put a decoration in the wrong place? I could shatter “normal” into pieces like a glass ornament that slipped off a branch and fell to the floor.

In college, having an apartment, a course schedule, a backpack, a new bike, and a checking account all seemed so “normal.” Normal seemed like a state of being I ought to achieve, like wearing a costume to a masquerade ball. I felt as if I was merely conforming to society. If I let go of those standards, my perfect normal might lie bare naked, and unwanted by others.

In counseling, I told Karen: “I can’t discern excitement from anxiety because emotions are all the same to me. If a real feeling rears its head, it’s ugly and scary. I don’t even remember what a normal emotion feels like.”
She responds: “Your normal self was altered by abuse.”
I said, “I felt normal only when my consciousness was altered. [by drugs/alcohol] So, what is normal?”

Karen said, “Normal is having the skills to identify, express, and manage your emotions. I’ll help you learn those skills. Keep your commitment to changing your life!”

I’d once thought that reincarnation was required to change my life. Karen was inviting me to embark on a journey in the here and now. I could use my inner resources to reestablish normalcy or invent a new normal in this life. I could call upon my courage reserves to navigate the hurdles and overcome an obstacle course of adverse circumstances.***

Boomer friends, counseling and medication has made me feel normal, and I have no doubts or insecurities about how good normal feels. How about you?

Hi Dianne, I got on a tangent about what is normal. I'm going to do Pilates now to trim my burgeoning buddha belly, and then I'll be back to talk about our bodies and self-esteem! Thanks for the input!

Great posts, Lynn - I finished the book, and all I can say at this point is WOW - not only is it extremely well-written, but it is so honest and real that I felt I could hear you talking.

Your book has inspired a project for me for October, which is Domestic Violence Awareness month,

Domestic Violence Awareness Month
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 18749
Denver, CO 80218-0749
(303) 839-1852
mainoffice@ncadv.org
www.ncadv.org

Along with your book, and two or three others I've got on hand, I'd like to interview all the authors and feature it at Sisters in the Lord and Faithwriters during October.

Is this something you would be interested in?

I'm also still fascinated with your writing/editing process. I try to offer my own clients the same things your initial editors did, and it has proved helpful to both parties.

How hard was it for you to have your manuscript changed?

Lynn,
The word "normal" has always scared me, and it still makes me ache somewhere deep inside my being. I haven't got a clue what "normal" is. From as far back as my memory goes, I've never known what it feels like to feel "normal". And I've never been able to figure out how to get there.

Until my husband managed to convince me, simply by staying long enough, that he loved me and would never leave (substitute "abandon" if you want to), I never truly felt I belonged anywhere. Even with a profound spirituality that has been innately part of me since early childhood, and a profound love for who I believe to be God, there have only been a few rare and glorious moments when I felt I might possibly belong in His presence. It's been my life-long struggle to dare to believe that I do, and so I continue to come into His presence, trusting that if I didn't belong there, He'd somehow find a way to let me know, knowing it wouldn't take much for me to get the message.

Still, the one and only place in the world that I know with certainty I belong is in my husband's arms. And that's it. (BWS is running a close and unprecedented second, though)

"Normal" scares me. It makes me ache. It seems so unattainable and elusive, and yet necessary to be able to function "out there". But just when I think I might be getting closer, the "rules" change and it's another hundred mile trek through the desert or another endless mountain to climb to find anything inside of me that comes close to matching "normal".

I think a few devastating breakdowns and chronic fatigue made me finally give up trying. I can only be me. It's not and never will be "normal", and I'm still as much a misfit as ever, but it's a lot less exhausting being an authentic misfit than trying to keep up the pretense of being normal, whatever that is...still haven't figure it out. I'm interested in hearing other women here speak about it.

Normal is such a scary word. I've always thought normal meant no divorce, no domestic violence, no sexual assault, no child abuse, no alcoholism or co-dependency, and no mental illness. HA! My family and I have all of the above.

I have a friend who grew up in a home that never saw any of those things, until she was 18 - and her parents divorced. None of the other problems rose their ugly heads. I find it nearly impossible to relate to her (or really, it's her relating to me).

At 12, I was the mother in my family while Mom regressed into childhood, but then went on and got a job, so I took over the household chores and childcare. I went on to date the same guy for 4 1/2 years, and he came from a family with all the above problems, including having his father commit suicide in front of him when he was 14

So - neither of us have ever felt normal.

My friend goes on and on about people I knew and how awful their lives were. She considers herself normal. And she considers us "not normal."

But, I have to say, I have a lot more compassion and understanding and willingness to forgive than she does.

So would I wish to be her "normal" or myself, who at the age of 42, now considers myself as "okay," which I guess could be intrepreted as "normal?"

Maybe we shouldn't use the word normal, here. It might send us all into regression )

[ April 14, 2005, 12:00 PM: Message edited by: Dian ]

Hi all, thanks you for these messages. I just got home from a meeting for volunteering for CASA: Court Appointed Special Advocates. I will give you my full attention in the am when my head is not swimming full of CASA, okay? I appreciate your posts! Love and Light, Lynn

I question the whole concept of normal.

Growing up and well into adulthood, everyone -- parents, teachers, friends -- thought I was kind of weird. Strange anti-social girl. Weird, weird, weird. Wasn't like anyone else, and didn't give a crap that I wasn't. Scary. A lot of them thought I was scary.

Truth be told, I thought I was normal and everyone else was really illogical and bizarre. To me, people defining themselves according to other's illogical standards was way too strange to even remotely comprehend. I mean, people who had no idea who they were, were defining themselves according to other people who had no idea who they were? And they called ME weird???

I'm logical, more so than most. I'm way-tres centered. I'm not like anyone else. And I consider myself "normal".

And I still think most everyone else is kinda weird, but I'm mellowing out in my old age and really don't give a crap about that either.

At some level, most of us are normal. At some level, most of us are weird.

I think if we are loving and "functional" according to how we want to function, that should be good enough.

It's all relative, isn't it?

I was almost punished for being pretty. My father made remarks to keep me in my place. My mother made comments about how I thought I was so pretty, blab, blab, blab. I couldn't win. In the end, well, the middle, I had very poor body image because of the things they said to me. Now, I love my body. I love my face. I love my hair. I just love everything that has been given to me. I allowed others downgrading comments to rule my life.

From Dian Moore: Maybe we shouldn't use the word normal, here. It might send us all into regression

I heartily agree! I had a really rough evening after writing my post, and had to talk myself out of "regressing". This morning I've been steeping myself in spiritual music, baked three loaves of banana bread and have been convincing myself I'm beautiful just the way I am. It's working. But I've decided I'm going to remove the word "normal" from my personal vocabulary and never let it tear me down or diminish me again.


From Meredithbead: I think if we are loving and "functional" according to how we want to function, that should be good enough

Amen. It has to be enough that we are who and where we are now...it's all we have here and now. We are the awesome culmination of a wealth of life experience, unique history, and all the wisdom, beliefs and insights that our journey thus far has instilled in us. That IS good enough to make us bona fide and wondrously unique...I'll take that over "normal" any day.

[ April 14, 2005, 12:33 PM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

Lynn, I am sorry that I have not posted anything before now. You have been in my thoughts and we really miss you here at the YWCA. We are so excited about you being the featured author. You know that all of us here love your book and admire the courage and talent you have to write it. We enjoyed your letter and we are in the process of writing a "real" letter to send to you. Take care. We will keep in touch. Love, Jeannette