It could be a Jewish thing too! My husband and I nearly divorced over this stepson issue. It got really ugly.

This is what I did. I "trapped" my husband in the car on a trip and told him I wanted to resolve it once and for all, one way or the other, with no accusations, no yelling, no blaming, etc. And so, we talked for two hours straight. I said, "I can't make you mature, I can't make you grow up, I can't make you know that it's okay to be a husband and a father at the same time. The ball is in your court, not mine. You are treating your sons at the same age level as they were when you divorced their mother. You haven't done anyone a favor. It's time for all of you to grow up."

It worked. He's a different man...the same man I fell in love with. He understands that he had put us all in competition against each other with him as the prize. I told him there can only be a competition if people decide to compete and I was stepping out of the arena. And, I have. I have removed myself from it. I will listen when he tells me what his sons have been doing and make a nice comment. I will never say anything against them...I just listen. They have never allowed me to be a part of their world so I decided my real family is my children and grandchildren. I focus on those who really love me and care what happens in my life.

I hope this helps. I know what you're going through.