JJ I do agree with you and also will add that porn is here to stay...unfortunately!

Katebbca as difficult as it is to remain completely impartial when it concerns your parents and their marital problems, you should try. Be honest with them both and tell them that it hurts you deep in your heart and soul to hear them belittle one another, that you refuse to take sides. Tell them if they insist on trying to include you into their marital problems you won't visit any more...As far as your dad and the porn goes it sounds like thats all he has right now especially being an invalid unable to pursue outside activities. I have no answers for you regarding that, I wish I did. Personally I would steer clear of that as well. It's between him and his conscience....

Thanks for the advice. I know that I shouldn't allow myself to get in the middle. I was critized and controlled by my mother so I can relate to what my Dad is going through. I have asked my mother before not to talk about my Dad. I've explained that it is difficult for me to hear about it. Her response was "oh but it's ok for you to complain about your son's drug problems, but when I have to talk to you about your father you don't want to listen" something like that. My son was a drug addict for years, put me through hell, but I went for counselling and joined a group with other parents of drug addicts. She asked me about him and I told her. I really don't think it's the same thing at all but she won't get it. If I say I don't want to talk about it because it upsets me or whatever, then she will just give me the silent treatment for weeks and say that she can't talk to me and I'm just like my father. It's really a no win situation. I am going to talk less to her though. She calls me every day which is too much. If she doesn't hear from me one day she calls to see why I haven't called. Anyway this post should be in the parent section. I just found it relevent to the topic on men watching porn. Thanks for listening.
Kate

Kate, I believe in setting boundaries in relationships. There was once a topic in our family on which Mom and I totally disagreed. One day I got up my nerve and told her that we obviously disagreed, and the issue was getting in the way of our relationship. I asked if we could please not talk about it any more because when we did, we got nowhere except upset with one another. It felt awkward because I knew she needed to talk about it, but we dropped it. I felt selfish, but it worked. We had other, more pleasant things to talk about that didn't divide us.

I'm sure it will be hard for you to set boundaries at this point, but it might be worth a try. Also, you are wise to tell her to get a life. She needs to have soemthing else to focus on.

The porn issue repulses me. Sorry. This may sound odd, but you gave them the computer right? can you say you need it back? Nevermind, I think that's probably notht e thing to do.

I just offered up prayers for you and your parent's relationship. I am sorry you have to deal with this day in and day out.

I have to say I am not sure I see the difference between women addicted to bodice tearing romance novels and men wanting to look at naked women. I guess since I don't have porn in my house (to my knowledge)that maybe I just haven't walked in those shoes. I can relate to the frustration of not having sex with the idea that a husband would then cruise porn sites.

Well, here is my take on it. If it doesn't nourish a marriage, it's wrong. So, if a wife refuses to have a sexual relationship with her husband and he chooses to get a release from the computer, which one is wrong? Both?

Kate, maybe this is a payback to your mom because of her treatment of your father. Maybe this is the only way he knows to get even, so to speak. Maybe he just go tired of the control and is striking back.

In Florida, the mayor began posting the names in the local newspaper of men (most elderly) who had been arrested for soliciting prostitutes. The incidence of HIV was rising among the elderly and the mayor wanted to warn their wives through this venue. She didn't want the men passing on the HIV to their wives. I guess it's more prevelent than we all realize.

So, I guess my question would be: Which is worse. Searching the Internet looking at pictures or actively seeking sex from a woman on the street? Both wrong but I'd take the Internet sex over in person acts.

I actually thought about the getting back thing. My dad is so sick of my mom controlling his every move that I think he is trying to get back at her.
Anyway I am going to try to talk to her about not talking to me about personal issues. I am almost 50 and still can't be open and honest with my mother and it's time to stop walking on egg shells around her. I will get the silent treatment for sure. She thinks by not talking to me she's hurting me but she's really just hurting herself by behaving this way.
My dad watching porn is something I don't really want to know about and wish I didn't. As for my mom venting on this site, to punish my dad and make him feel bad she refuses to use the computer anymore. Another way that she is hurting herself not my Dad. Cutting off her nose to spite her face. She really doesn't get it.
As for taking back the computer there is no way I can do that as it was a gift and they know I have a computer. He doesn't just look at porn either. He is from Europe and catches up on the news in his birth country.
I guess I'm torn and feel the need to listen as they are older now and won't be around forever. I had alot of resentment towards my Mom for years but now figure I needed to let all that go and except the fact that they did what they knew at the time. I just make a real effort to have boundaries with my children and keep the lines of communication open. I don't want to repeat the pattern as it screwed me up for years.
Kate

Katebcca, sorry to say it but this sounds like one time when someone refusing to speak to you would be a good thing. As far as you father looking at whatever he's looking at, it's his business and as I said earlier it isn't like he can jump up and run out looking for a hooker. Your mom sounds like a real piece of work, shes made herself miserable and wants everyone else to be miserable to...all you can do is love them if even from afar.

Some people thrive on misery. My mom does. Like you, I don't want to know what my dad is doing sexually but during a phone conversation, he just had to tell me how he'd cheated on my mom for years until he got saved. Like I wanted to know that. But, I think he's paid dearly for it ever since. My mother rules the roost and has for many years.

You hate to say it and I hate to think it, but you are spot on.
Kate

OK here's my 2 cents. I view myself as an authority on the subject since I am currently dealing with a divorce with porn at the center core.

My husband was intro'd to porn when he was approx. 13. He found playboy under the seat of his dad's car. They say that viewing porn between the years of 13 and 17 does something to the brain of a young man.

Now after 24 years of marriage the porn--which I had no idea he was doing--had taken control. No longer was viewing women satisfying enough--he had turned to viewing men and children! That is another trap of porn--once you are hooked you have to have more and worse versions to maintain the same effects.

He sacrificed our marriage and our family for porn. Now he sits in a federal jail somewhere waiting for a trial. I am sitting waiting for a court date for divorce. I am without funds, health insurance and retirement savings because of the addiction of porn.

No man-or woman- should EVER consider porn to be a trivial thing it WILL destroy everything it can if given the room to do so.

By the way, for the gal who isn't sure if it's cheating or not. 2 verses from the bible. One states that even if you have THOUGHT about sex with someone else it's cheating. Once the mind is involved the deed is done! Can't find the reference on that one right now.

#2 1 Corinthians 5:6
I am writing to you that you must not associate....is sexually immoral...with such a man do not even eat.

1 Corinthians 5:9 I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people.....

1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality.

There's many more -- these were all on the same page so I jotted them down for you. I wish I could find the one on the thoughts--it's in there, but I can't remember where. Anyway, the bible is clear--it's wrong and very dangerous and destructive.

Knowing what I know now--I would be running to a counselor just as fast as I could and I wouldn't leave till it's all out on the table. Then if there's even one slip-up I'd be leaving.

There's no point is staying with someone who doesn't want you, and fanticizes about a life with someone else--even if they are on paper or a screen. Do we really want ot sell ourselves so short? When you've lost your love, dignity and self-worth, what's left? You no longer like yourself--and no amount of $$ can buy it back.

Sorry I'll get off my soapbox now.....