I'm going to an AA meeting this afternoon if one meets in town. I think I've been self medicating far too much and when I drink I turn into a totally different person. I would just like to not drink at all. That is a positive step for all three of us, Katie, A, and I.

I went to a salon yesterday after work and got my hair styled and trimmed. (Immediately felt better...) Today I'm getting a manicure and pedicure and letting "wonder man" pay for it.

I told him the night before last that I felt ugly and unattractive. He sat there in silence. I said he could at least say I look pretty or that he thinks I'm attractive. He said you don't look bad for someone whose been going through what you've been going through. I said that was like saying, "You don't sweat much for a fat girl." He sat in silence.

A girlfriend from work and her son and A and I are going to Chuckie Cheese tonight. I have coupons...at least I won't be drinking...

I've been taking A to school and she's been going to the park and to play with other little ones but she doesn't understand why her mommy isn't able to be with her. She told me this morning, "Grammy, you take your bed back home and let my mommy have this bathroom and her bed." That was her way of saying, "I want my mommy not you." I don't want her to think its my fault that mommy isn't here with her, that I'm trying to take mommy's place...I need to consult a child psychologist.

There are a myriad of things I have to do today. Clean house, make calls, organize, but sometime during the day, I want to read my Bible and spend some time with God.

I don't want to lash out at others and take out my frustrations, anger and pain on others. I feel so bad about myself when I do that.

It seems I want Warren's friends to know what a louse I think he is and to agree with me that he is one, but it won't work. Cronies of a feather stick together and the best thing for me to do is find better people to hang out with. They've known him much longer than they've known me, I'm just number 5.

I want to go for a long walk today in nature and breathe and move and soak up the healing sunshine. My heart is broken but that doesn't mean my life which was so graciously given to me by God, has to be also.

Number5, I'm glad yo are thinking of taking care of yourself a little. I hope you land at the AA meeting because you have mentioned a couple times that you don't want to drink any more. Let us know how that goes.

Who watches your grand-daughter when you can't? Do they have a guidance counselor at school. If so, are they aware of what's she's going through?

Once again Number5, how far from you is your daughter incarcerated? Can you visit her? It is important that her daughter knows where she is and is TOLD BY HER MOTHER the reason shes there. This will help get you off the hook and hopefully lesson the confusion on the child. Only this will help her, nothing a psychologist can do or say will help her. She needs to hear it from her mom.

Finally i understand number five, why you call yourself # 5...(i'm a bit slow to put it politely) ..... the fifth wife right ? I think Casey called you Bliss... so Bliss, 'tis time to erase that 'number five' name . Certainly you are much much more than the 'fifth wife'. What? You didn't say that was your total identity did you ?

Anyway, if there are no AA meetings within the next few minutes from where you live, look up 'AA' online. Whether you have a 'drinking problem' or not the 12 step program is a way of life which you may come to treasure .

If you decide the program is for you and if you can get a sponser who is supportive, but not afraid to ask the tough questions (like Chatty has been and done) well that is a sponser you will also treasure .... because obviously when one quits drinking, so many other difficult truths have to faced. Whether they are childhood traumas, financial bedlam, family chaos .....or all of that and more .... so if you head off to a meeting,
remember you will be among friends ....

[ April 01, 2006, 04:30 AM: Message edited by: norma ]

I didn't drink last night at all. I think I've finally accepted my plight and am trying to trust God for our future. GD is fine. She is in a great school and enjoys it very much. I've arranged with other parents to have their children over to play. She has her favorite play activities at home and is really into playing with baby dolls (has about 5...)

A friend of mine is giving her two baby Guenia pigs and she has a Beta fish. I'm continuing her habits of brushing, hand washing, please and thank you, etc. She has her Hot Wheels bike and various yard toys.

We'll be alright. Its just very hard for me right now seeing what I thought was a marriage that would last, falling apart in front of my eyes. I think he is already "courting" number 6. I know I'll be better off, but please understand, it still hurts. I do love him.

Katie is entering an inpatient, drug rehabilitation program on Monday. I've never heard of this before, but its called Second Chance and they actually go to another location within the jail and it is intense.

My prayers are for the success of this program, that she will remain strong and that God will never leave her side.

Hi, norma! Yes, number 5 and fading fast.....Someday someone will think I'm special and will treasure me! Someday...

Bliss (aka #5), it's wonderful news about Katie! I will write her today in love and support.

Sweetie, you need to have a group to support you, whether it's AA or Al-Anon or a co-dependency group, or something! It sounds like you are a "double winner," having both drinking and co-dependency issues. My instinct is that Al-Anon is the place to begin. They suggest 90 meetings in 90 days before you give up on them. The focus will be on YOU as someone mentioned earlier.

You cannot go this alone. I don't mean to blaspheme or disrepsect anyone's religion, but the Bible isn't the only place God speaks. God speaks through ordinary people as well. If you look over the messages from all of us, there is a consistent theme. You need to take care of YOU and you need support (physical, local support) to do it. I usually figure when God sends the message to me through at least 3 people, he is really trying to get something through this thick head of mine! LOL!

Yes, it hurts. It's going to hurt for a while.

If you want someone to think you are special and treasure you, you have to start there yourself. By treasuring yourself you will show others that you are worthy to be treasured.

Please, please, start treasuring that little girl and marvelous woman that is you today. Take the step of blessing yourself with a name that is truly yours, that shows who you are. We are looking forward to meeting you.

Ps. Thank you, Chatty for being so practical. I do plan to take A as soon as they ok us to visit. In this program, we have to make an appointment and she isn't allowed visitors for a week or so while she's going through orientation.

I agree with Casey. You must see your own value before anyone worthy of you, will love you properly. I think men can sense when a woman "needs" someone else to make her feel worthy and loved, and the men with that kind of radar, are not the ones you want!
I just relaized when you said Katie was on the west coast, you meant Florida! Here I thought they sent her to CA...I'm slow.
AA and Al-anon will both serve you well. You will get the love, understanding and support you need from people who will NOT look down on you, as some of your family has done.
Big healing ((HUGS)) for you, Number5, aka Bliss, aka Step1 (how's that for a name?)

So Bliss, you said .. 'someday someone will think i'm special and treasure me' that's true, but will it be a knight in shining armour ? Are we not old enough now to realize such a person exists only in fantasies ? There are kind and gentle men, but they too are as vulnerable as the rest of us .

An essential part of healing is honesty... about our situation, the part we ourselves played in getting here and what we want for today and tomorrow .... Whether through naivety,desperation, or what have you, some of us have made certain decisions which were not too bright ....... and we pay dearly, you said "please understand it still hurts" .... well i guess eh, anyone who is insulted, kicked, ignored, abandoned, rejected by a person they trusted, will hurt in a thousand ways, and begin to doubt their own worth, you then said "i still love him" ..... Bliss, he is helping you financially are you confusing gratitude with love? Are you feeling an obligation 'to love' ... because of this financial need ?

I called him today on my lunch break and he was horrible to me. I made up my mind today that I'm filing for a divorce. I don't deserve to be treated this way and neither does my GD.

He has hurt me for the last time. I don't know where we will go or how I will manage to support the two of us, but I'll figure it out.

I don't need anyone else, norma. Right now I could just use a friend and I don't mean, "use" but would be so nice to feel safe and at peace.