Sometimes the meetings are harmless, sometimes deep feelings you don't expect come up and if the person is married you really have to deal with these feelings on your own. It was difficult for me to not express them to my former boyfriend but because he was married I felt I could not go there. On my own I did manage to work through them and came out the other side with a much better perspective, it had to be done.
I do understand that we have to grieve the loss. Often times we don't do this and years later it comes back to haunt us and we feel the need to reconnect with the lost love if only to have closure. Thanks for all the nice comments about my situation with my son etc. It has been a very long difficult journey. Facing it on my own has made me stronger. A blessing.

"I hope that one of the ways that you plan to "step out more and try to take care of me" is to continue to come here and find safe respite and listening hearts that care" Thank you Eagleheart, I so appreciate this. It is not often that we can go to a place where we feel safe and not judged.
Another blessing.
Kate

I think this is a good representation of returning to the familiar. The unknown is so scary and there is a connection with someone from the past. It's not like a first date where you have to get to know someone. You have a history and that brings comfort.

Okay, friends, I have a question: is this a test or is it trust? My husband was with me when we met up with my former b.f. and his g.f. (They now have a 3 year old son.) We all went out to dinner a couple of times, and we all got along well. In fact, if we lived close, we would all be friends. Next month, I am going to Vermont to a writer's conference, where b.f. lives. My husband suggested that I have b.f. pick me up at the airport. My husband knows that I do not like to travel solo. He knows that I need reliable and familiar faces to get around. So, I wrote b.f. letter and he (b.f.) agrees that he can pick me up at the airport, and he even asked me if I wanted to stay at his house during the conference. I already paid for the dorm room. Now I am wondering if my husband was testing me, thinking I should say, "No, I don't want b.f. to pick me up," or just trusting me. I think trusting me. My husband is fairly secure, and nothing can or will "happen" between b.f. and I. Kate, yes, sometimes deep feelings can come up that we have to deal with. The question for me was whether or not these feelings were relevant to the here and now or filtered through the lens of the past. I was not able to grieve anything from my childhood until I was in my forties. Seeing b.f. was all about the closure, but it also opened us up to friendship. The main question in When Harry Met Sally was: can women and men be open to just being friends, or do all relationships have to fall into a romantic mode? And if the romantic mode fails, does the entire relationship have to end, or can the parties be friends? The g.f. is 13 or 14 years younger then my ex b.f. and to my knowledge they have not married. He has never been married. I like her very much. Love and Light, Lynn

Smile, I am sorry for your tragic story. We'll be here when you are ready. You know, I was just thinking that my need for closure is not all about romantic relationships. You see, I want to know when my sister with Down syndrome died, for example. Solving the mysteries of my family has been healing for me, and has allowed me to move forward, not backward. Although, I guess there is a danger with lost lovers because of the chemistry that was involved. Oh well, me thinks me thinks too much. LLL

Those are tough questions. I am not sure (not knowing your husband if this was a test) It sounds to me like he trusts you and thinks it might be nice for you to not be totally alone while your away, but that's just my take on it. I think the danger comes in when there is an attraction and both of you are questioning your marriage. People in basically happy marriages would hopefully not go there. Because you were intimate in the past and we all have our memories some feelings may sneak up on you but I think they will be based on past feelings. Then confusion would set in big time.
As far as being friends with the opposite sex, I think it's possible but it takes a certin personality type. I have men friends and at a weak moment I may find them attractive and may look at them differently. Although these feelings never last. I have had a dream about someone I work with and I wake up thinking about them in a different way and actually look at them differently especially if it was a sexual dream although it is usually just for that day. I think we can talk ourselves into anything especially when we are in an unhealthy place. So....yes you can be just friends with the opposite sex/former boyfriend but it's not possible for some people and even if it is, things change, feelings change, you just have to be aware of it and always act with respect, especially if there is a wife in the picture. I was attracted to my ex but could keep a handle on it. The attraction was based on our past relationship, not on the here and now which is what I finally figured out.
If both your marriages are stable there is nothing to be worried about. Just watch out as some feelings may crop up when you least exect them. All marriages are vulnerable to this.
Kate

Hi Kate, thanks for the response. When I got out of the car and walked toward that former b.f. after not seeing him for 27 years, we embraced, and he was trembling. I didn't think I still had that effect on men! I appreciate your response, and that you brought up this topic as food for thought. As you can see, many of us have been in your similar position. There's a lot to learn, isn't there? Love and Light, Lynn

I saw an old boyfriend at a high school reunion years ago. Nothing there for me but his wife was just insanely jealous. It was so stupid. We were sweethearts when we were 15! She really made a fool of herself. I couldn't understand it. Sadly, he died last year but he had divorced her before he died so maybe he got some peace.

I don't even attend reunions for that very reason, old jealous girlfriends and old boyfriends with new weird wives. If they knew how I feel about the average man they certainly wouldn't worry about me for one second. I was a wild and gorgeous thing and had so many boyfriends chasing me and loved every minute of it. My poor mom and dad had weak hearts because on my shinanigins. I was a virgin but built like a trolup and loved to dance and also was a cheerleader. Had only a few girlfriends even then who really knew me, yawn!!

How many of you had old boyfriends that you met again at a reunion, and now the old boyfriends had new BOYfriends? LLL

Good question, lynn. I haven't been to any school reunion from my school because we never had one. Isn't that odd? I'd like to get our class together at least. Maybe when we all retire.
I have a past love who has remained a good friend. We catch up on our news about each other. Neither spouse has a problem with this. We are friends and that's all we want from each other. We don't email or write. When I visit home, we may or may not run in to each other. Small town so it's easy to do. If it happens, we go for coffee and chat for an hour. We missed each other on my last visit.

chick

[ July 21, 2005, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: chickadee ]